seeing stars

Today was a hard day.  I'm not going to feel good about today for a long time.  I really don't know if I should have gotten up to say something?  I regret that I didn't, but it's possible I may have felt the same way if I had.  The ugly side of my broken family showed up.  Emotions were very, very high.  It was uncomfortable.  It was also sad.  It makes me sad to know that there are those kind of hard feelings that not even the death of a loved one can help reconcile.  Something that has seemingly gotten progressively worse over the years, not better.  All because of a misunderstanding.  A case of broken telephone that was left untended for, fuck, 20-25 years?  More?  A bitterness that was kept hidden from me until my late teens, save for a little curiosity about an always absent/busy relative.

And now, when it should all be over and water under the bride...instead it is the end, and goodbye to that part of my family, and my life.  How terrible.

I loved my Aunt and Uncle very much.  They were always good to me, and I think, I was always good to them.  I took them for granted the same as any kids/teens do...but it was always a special occasion when we saw them.  I think, of everyone, I saw them the least...for a while I was avoiding them.  Not because I didn't like them, but because I was embarrassed of what I had become...or what I hadn't become.  That I'm not successful professionally is my greatest shame when it comes to my family.  My Uncle was always rooting for me, but like a father I felt like he was judging me, and was disappointed that I hadn't done more with my life.  Knowing his story, and how he made himself...I feel really fucking small right now.

So now this is about me, and how I haven't done jack in my life.  Fuck that.

Maybe it's about how lost I am right now, and how I'm losing the things that have kept me tethered to my life.  My reality is taking some serious hits right now.  I'm dazed.