Reality sets in...
Now I don’t ever pretend to know what’s going on in this body of mine…my head, heart and soul all seem to work off their own grids…totally separate from each other…never synchronized. I’ve also learned that for no good reason at all, one or all of them will suddenly, without warning, start flashing red. I don’t know why this is…its just the way I’m wired I guess. I know I refer to roller-coasters a lot in my blogs…because really, it’s the only way I know how to articulate what is going on. There will be ups, there will be downs…and after a few go arounds on the track, I can pretty much pinpoint the next climb and the next drop with my eyes closed. Right now…I’m in mid drop.
I’ve tried a number of things over the years to try and get a better handle on why I am the way I am…booze, drugs, meditation, literature, opening up to friends, closing myself off completely and going it alone…and while I’ve had limited success (I’m still here aren’t I?)…on the whole I’ve decided that it really is kind of pointless to try and attempt to figure out ‘why’ (especially right now) and just try and make the best hand with the cards that I’ve been dealt. I really want to know ‘why’…and will continue to seek it out…but I’m starting to think I’m not going to like the answer and might be better off not worrying about it so much.
Sometimes I wake up and find for some odd reason I’ve got a couple of aces in my hand and I know its going to be a good day/week…the cards are just there. Other times, all I can do is stare at the 2’s and 5’s filling my palm and hope that the dealer is kinder the next game. Right now…my hand is full of junk…
I’ve been told that I need to be the enactor of my own change…and not just by my buddy J…that I need to put down the cards, shuffle them up real good and get back in the game…maybe even start playing a whole new game…and while in theory it sounds like a viable option, and comes from a good place, the truth of the matter is that’s pretty much all I’ve been doing the past few months…hell, the last year or so even. I’ve been trying to change so much I don’t know up from down anymore. I’m still me…but I’ve been twisted and turned in so many directions that I really can’t be sure at what I’m looking at anymore. I’ve been putting myself in situations that I’m not normally comfortable with, thrown caution to the wind and moved out on my own, I’ve offered to take on more ‘work’ at work, socialized with friends who I might normally be too shy to hang with…and even attempted to make new ones…and while its all helped me broaden my horizons, I still find myself wresting with the same doubts, the same issues and same failures that I always have. You can try and pluck the boy out of his problems…
So to the loyal few who continue to read this maze of fear, loathing, joy, pain, paranoia and hope, I am genuinely apologetic if my blog does sometimes seem like nothing more than a weeping wall for all my beefs…a half full (or empty) jar of tears. Catch me a good day and I swear I’m a very pleasant, some would even say moderately funny person…I listen intently, I offer my sincerest wisdom and wit when asked (and sometimes even if I haven’t been asked) and want nothing but the best for my friends and those I care about…big and small…far and wide…and will sacrifice my own wants in order to fulfill a friends without giving it much thought. Hopefully some of that sentiment is able to seep through the cracks of this black monolith of text that continues to grow higher and higher as the days and weeks pass. If not…well…anybody got any bright ideas as to how I can lighten this fucker up?
Cheers for reading!
I’ve tried a number of things over the years to try and get a better handle on why I am the way I am…booze, drugs, meditation, literature, opening up to friends, closing myself off completely and going it alone…and while I’ve had limited success (I’m still here aren’t I?)…on the whole I’ve decided that it really is kind of pointless to try and attempt to figure out ‘why’ (especially right now) and just try and make the best hand with the cards that I’ve been dealt. I really want to know ‘why’…and will continue to seek it out…but I’m starting to think I’m not going to like the answer and might be better off not worrying about it so much.
Sometimes I wake up and find for some odd reason I’ve got a couple of aces in my hand and I know its going to be a good day/week…the cards are just there. Other times, all I can do is stare at the 2’s and 5’s filling my palm and hope that the dealer is kinder the next game. Right now…my hand is full of junk…
I’ve been told that I need to be the enactor of my own change…and not just by my buddy J…that I need to put down the cards, shuffle them up real good and get back in the game…maybe even start playing a whole new game…and while in theory it sounds like a viable option, and comes from a good place, the truth of the matter is that’s pretty much all I’ve been doing the past few months…hell, the last year or so even. I’ve been trying to change so much I don’t know up from down anymore. I’m still me…but I’ve been twisted and turned in so many directions that I really can’t be sure at what I’m looking at anymore. I’ve been putting myself in situations that I’m not normally comfortable with, thrown caution to the wind and moved out on my own, I’ve offered to take on more ‘work’ at work, socialized with friends who I might normally be too shy to hang with…and even attempted to make new ones…and while its all helped me broaden my horizons, I still find myself wresting with the same doubts, the same issues and same failures that I always have. You can try and pluck the boy out of his problems…
So to the loyal few who continue to read this maze of fear, loathing, joy, pain, paranoia and hope, I am genuinely apologetic if my blog does sometimes seem like nothing more than a weeping wall for all my beefs…a half full (or empty) jar of tears. Catch me a good day and I swear I’m a very pleasant, some would even say moderately funny person…I listen intently, I offer my sincerest wisdom and wit when asked (and sometimes even if I haven’t been asked) and want nothing but the best for my friends and those I care about…big and small…far and wide…and will sacrifice my own wants in order to fulfill a friends without giving it much thought. Hopefully some of that sentiment is able to seep through the cracks of this black monolith of text that continues to grow higher and higher as the days and weeks pass. If not…well…anybody got any bright ideas as to how I can lighten this fucker up?
Cheers for reading!
posted by neil at 9:30 PM
2 Comments:
I don't know how much time you spend outside, but that seems to be helping me overcome some issues. I hate it outside,too. Bugs, dirt, heat, and the most awful humidity. But somehow when I go outside at dusk and see the bigger picture, it has a way of reminding me how small my problems really are. We forget that we have connections to much bigger things other than just the daily grind.
Actually Magdalena, that's a good idea. In my old place, I used to go outside most nights to just sit and stare at the stars...and found it helped, but ever since the move, I've not been doing that. So...I think I'll take some time tonight to take in the night sky. Cheers!
Post a Comment
<< Home