death of a friend

I got some sad news today. A friend of mine from high school passed away after a battle with leukemia on Sunday...and I had no idea. Because I don’t hang out with anyone that I knew in high school, there really was no way for me to know…but still, to hear that a friend who was one of the first ‘new friends’ I made in Grade 9, and someone who I always kind of looked up to has passed away…it hit me right in the heart. Hard.

I must have been dazed for a good 5 minutes as I tried to comprehend the idea that he was no longer with us. And I'm still kind of sick in my stomach. 29 years old...and he's gone.

It also got me thinking about why I’ve avoided these old friends of mine for so long. Sure, high school was a long time ago, and I’m sure many of my old friends have changed in ways I can’t imagine…and I never really felt like 'one of the boys' so it was easy for me to 'move on'...but still…Ryan was a really good friend…he was one of the ‘cool guys’ at my high school, one of those laid back, friendly guys who would go out of his way to make sure I felt ‘included’ whenever we hung out. Early on...there were 4 of us who would hang out at lunch and after school...and I always felt like the ‘loser’ of the group…the one guy who wasn’t as cool as the others…but he always made me feel like I belonged…but would give me a hard time about it too...like he knew I was insecure...but he did it with a smile...he was just a real good guy that way. Everyone liked him. Honestly, I can't think of anyone who had beef with the guy. I remember many times at house parties, he was the guy that would always make sure that if you were driving you weren’t drunk. You could always count on him to come up to you at the part to make sure you were ‘ok’.

And I think that’s what bothers me. The fact that I didn’t get a chance to see if he was ‘ok’. If it were me who was sick...he would have found a way to see me. He’s also the second friend from high school who’s battled leukemia…the first pulled through and beat it…so when I heard that he had passed away, I at first thought it was my other friend and someone had just got the name wrong. Either way…very sad news…but hearing his name really hit me hard...probably because it was so out of the blue.

So D....buddy…I know it’s a little late…but for what its worth, you were a really good guy and good human being…and I'm really going to miss you. Your friendship during high school meant a lot to me at the time, and even now, I look back on those years and am able to put the bad shit aside because of all the good times, many of which we got to share together. You were a good man and a good friend…and you will most certainly be missed by a lot of people.

This one hurts...