ugly language
I'm sitting here trying to find a round about way to say how much of an ass-hole I feel sometimes...but its probably easiest if I just come out and say it.
I'm an ass-hole!
I really am. Not all the time. In fact, a good 80-90% of the time, I'm a nice guy...to your face and behind your back. I don't talk bad about people unless they've done something bad to me...and even then, its not the behind-the-back variety...they know. But sometimes, out in public, or at work, I turn into a bitter pill of a person. I'm tired, I've had a hard day...and someone just does something.
Today was a difficult day, and right before it was over...with about 45 minutes to go...in walks the final problem for the day. I could sense it. I did everything I could to avoid a confrontation...but for whatever reason, the ass-hole Neil stepped up and started getting loud...and started talking...saying stuff that, well, I wouldn't normally say...yes, it was under my breath, but still loud enough that maybe, just maybe, it was overheard. After that, it was looks and more muttering into my collar...and then jumping in with attitude right at the end. As I stood there, holding the door...I felt a tinge of relief, but a larger wave of regret. Why couldn't I have been nice for those last 40 minutes? Why didn't I just step outside and grab some air? Maybe I just had to do it...to get it off my chest? Still...its been happening a lot more lately, and in my line of work, its just not good sportsmanship...I need to be the bigger man.
I guess I'm just really worn down, and a little jumpy. Big meeting tomorrow. Early.
I'm just bummed out that, despite what was a miserable day, I found a way to make it feel even worse...dragging this home with me...knowing full well I'm not the kind of guy to just 'let this go' so easy.
Lesson learned?
I'm an ass-hole!
I really am. Not all the time. In fact, a good 80-90% of the time, I'm a nice guy...to your face and behind your back. I don't talk bad about people unless they've done something bad to me...and even then, its not the behind-the-back variety...they know. But sometimes, out in public, or at work, I turn into a bitter pill of a person. I'm tired, I've had a hard day...and someone just does something.
Today was a difficult day, and right before it was over...with about 45 minutes to go...in walks the final problem for the day. I could sense it. I did everything I could to avoid a confrontation...but for whatever reason, the ass-hole Neil stepped up and started getting loud...and started talking...saying stuff that, well, I wouldn't normally say...yes, it was under my breath, but still loud enough that maybe, just maybe, it was overheard. After that, it was looks and more muttering into my collar...and then jumping in with attitude right at the end. As I stood there, holding the door...I felt a tinge of relief, but a larger wave of regret. Why couldn't I have been nice for those last 40 minutes? Why didn't I just step outside and grab some air? Maybe I just had to do it...to get it off my chest? Still...its been happening a lot more lately, and in my line of work, its just not good sportsmanship...I need to be the bigger man.
I guess I'm just really worn down, and a little jumpy. Big meeting tomorrow. Early.
I'm just bummed out that, despite what was a miserable day, I found a way to make it feel even worse...dragging this home with me...knowing full well I'm not the kind of guy to just 'let this go' so easy.
Lesson learned?
posted by neil at 12:53 AM
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