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I should just go to bed. I should just let this day go and forget this is real. Just a weird, fucked up day is all. But I can’t just let it go. Not my style. So I make it worse. I dig out the corners a little more…stomp down the shit a little more…always room for more.
Now I’m the puppet master who just doesn’t have the will to keep the puppets dancing…but does it anyway. Because its his job. Because its his life. Because he’s a ‘nice’ guy. Because he knows what he is and what he isn’t.
I hate myself for this right now. Even more so tomorrow when I read it in the light of day and have to look at myself in the mirror and think to myself ‘what the fuck are you doing Neil?’ and want to drive my face right through the glass. Instead I’ll hop in the shower and try and have a good day despite myself. I never really saw myself as a loser before…not inside...if there was a loser test, I’m sure I’d score pretty high, but tests lie sometimes...but now what it really means for me is starting to sink in. I see it at work everyday of my life. I feel it around the house. Like a cold slap in the face when I start daydreaming. I feel it in my bones like I used to feel about what could be. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore.
What the fuck?
Now I’m the puppet master who just doesn’t have the will to keep the puppets dancing…but does it anyway. Because its his job. Because its his life. Because he’s a ‘nice’ guy. Because he knows what he is and what he isn’t.
I hate myself for this right now. Even more so tomorrow when I read it in the light of day and have to look at myself in the mirror and think to myself ‘what the fuck are you doing Neil?’ and want to drive my face right through the glass. Instead I’ll hop in the shower and try and have a good day despite myself. I never really saw myself as a loser before…not inside...if there was a loser test, I’m sure I’d score pretty high, but tests lie sometimes...but now what it really means for me is starting to sink in. I see it at work everyday of my life. I feel it around the house. Like a cold slap in the face when I start daydreaming. I feel it in my bones like I used to feel about what could be. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore.
What the fuck?
posted by neil at 3:34 AM
2 Comments:
A must read for writers with a sensitive and intelligent heart:
Dr. Mary Pipher Writing to Change the World.
A review:
http://terrys-talkingtomyself.blogspot.com/2007/11/dr-mary-pipher-writing-to-change-world.html
c.s. lewis said something like
what you see and hear depends where you are standing
http://oneminutebookreviews.wordpress.com/2007/04/16/famous-pulitzer-losers-%E2%80%93-10-great-novels-that-didn%E2%80%99t-win-the-fiction-prize-and-which-books-beat-them/
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