amber alert
I don't feel whole these days. I'm scattered...all over the place...and I can't seem to zero in on anything for any length of time. I just can't focus! I'd say its ADD, which I'm pretty sure I do have, but it feels worse that that...like extra ADD or something. It feels like I'm running on 70% power all the time. You know how when your sick, you just can't concentrate...or how when your tired you just don't think the same way you do when your fresh? Yeah...I'm about as far from fresh as a rotten apple.
Maybe its because I'm being pulled in so many directions right now? Maybe its because until a couple of days ago, I was fighting a battle with the guy downstairs and my landlord so I could actually live in my own apartment? Maybe its because I've been living in two different places, driving two different cars, working two different jobs? Maybe its because I'm trying to make everyone happy...which is literally impossible? Maybe its because when one thing goes right, another thing seems to wrong right away. Like my car breaking down the day I learned the jerk downstairs was moving out, for example. Or how when I finally got my car back today, fixed and good to go, I got a ticket for running a yellow light 10 minutes after paying the bill...that's right...I went through a yellow light and got pulled over...all because some girl decided to start walking on the yellow and I had to honk my horn to remind her that it wasn't red yet! I'm past the point of thinking its bad luck or bad karma or whatever...this is just more of the same bullshit I've had to put up with the past 15 years...and its all my fault.
That's right, I said it, its all my fault. We all have bad luck, we all have bad days...so my luck isn't any worse than anyone elses...and if it is, its probably because I did something to deserve it.
That's how I get out of bed in the morning now. My life is shit because of something I did, or didn't do...and I have nobody to blame but myself...even if it does seem like I can't catch a break (worth being happy about) to save my life!
Maybe its because I'm being pulled in so many directions right now? Maybe its because until a couple of days ago, I was fighting a battle with the guy downstairs and my landlord so I could actually live in my own apartment? Maybe its because I've been living in two different places, driving two different cars, working two different jobs? Maybe its because I'm trying to make everyone happy...which is literally impossible? Maybe its because when one thing goes right, another thing seems to wrong right away. Like my car breaking down the day I learned the jerk downstairs was moving out, for example. Or how when I finally got my car back today, fixed and good to go, I got a ticket for running a yellow light 10 minutes after paying the bill...that's right...I went through a yellow light and got pulled over...all because some girl decided to start walking on the yellow and I had to honk my horn to remind her that it wasn't red yet! I'm past the point of thinking its bad luck or bad karma or whatever...this is just more of the same bullshit I've had to put up with the past 15 years...and its all my fault.
That's right, I said it, its all my fault. We all have bad luck, we all have bad days...so my luck isn't any worse than anyone elses...and if it is, its probably because I did something to deserve it.
That's how I get out of bed in the morning now. My life is shit because of something I did, or didn't do...and I have nobody to blame but myself...even if it does seem like I can't catch a break (worth being happy about) to save my life!
posted by neil at 11:50 PM
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