truth hits

I didn’t realize it had been almost 3 weeks since my last post. I guess that’s just how used to ignoring this space I got. I was skeptical when I started blogging again about just how long I’d keep it up…I’m starting to show why.

I’m trying everything I can to try and shine a little light on my life so I can figure out what the heck I’m doing, and how the heck I can change it. It’s not working. I’m not working. I’m literally embarrassed of myself. I got a little stomach flu last week and it triggered a 5-day long ‘sad puppy’ routine that I’m still stuck in. Hearing peers talk about $800,000 houses can do that do a broke dude.

I’m not jealous. I’m not. Disappointed that I haven’t got that? Sure. But I stand by who I am and the choices I made. They may not have turned out the way I wanted them too, but I made them for the right reasons…I think. But that old bitterness/superiority that I felt because I was doing it my way and they were selling out to the system…yeah, that’s pretty much gone now. Superiority isn’t the right word, or maybe it is, but when I was younger I at least felt like my choices were going to mean something substantial…and I’m not talking money…but something I could hang my hat on at least and say ‘yeah, taking the high road got me here!’ Something I could be proud of. Something to make me feel like I'd grown up. Instead, I feel like a fool.

Why did I try to swim upstream? It doesn’t work.