like?
I've got to stop turning up here when things aren't going so well. I am completely and utterly at war with myself. I am my own worst enemy. I fear the worst, and then somehow subliminally will it to happen. I won't get the job. She's bored. This spark of inspiration won't last. My habits are so ingrown now, even if I do end up breaking them, I'll still reach for them like an amputee reaching for a lost limb. I'm an misery addict.
Mania.
Rampaging thoughts and desires. Pure and wide. Then flat and dead. Like a cold rock hitting the floor with a thud. No bounce back. Perched in my chair, I can't even bring myself to enjoy what I have. Watch a movie, play a game, listen to some music. What for? Distraction? Temporary. Some days I just want to crawl into bed, hide under the covers, and fall asleep for a month. But I can't. My legs get twitchy and I've got to get up. For money.
I'm paying my bills somehow. I'm on the cusp of a new job, a new career. But it feels both within reach, and out of reach. I can't even be honest and up front. I'm shrinking when I should be growing. How is this happening again? Haven't I learned anything? This was always going to be the tough part. The transition to something new. Something else. I'm over the past, but for some reason, I'm frozen. Doubt. Shame. Pain.
The world is ugly and uninviting. People shuffle around with their heads down and their minds on themselves. Chivalry is a dead idea. Honesty is a fault. How anyone looks at the world that awaits us and thinks they should have kids is irresponsible and selfish. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. If you're going to have kids, you better be willing to chip in and try and right the ship...not just for you and them, but for everyone. Posting cutesy pictures on facebook is not chipping in. Honestly, when did my generation fold and become our parents? Did we really buy all that 'Greatest Generation' bullshit? Job, house, wife, fence, pool, yard, 60" plasma? Why? What the fuck for?
Slaves.
I almost convinced myself its what I wanted too. To be respectable. To be responsible. Lies. Makes me want to puke.
Mania.
Rampaging thoughts and desires. Pure and wide. Then flat and dead. Like a cold rock hitting the floor with a thud. No bounce back. Perched in my chair, I can't even bring myself to enjoy what I have. Watch a movie, play a game, listen to some music. What for? Distraction? Temporary. Some days I just want to crawl into bed, hide under the covers, and fall asleep for a month. But I can't. My legs get twitchy and I've got to get up. For money.
I'm paying my bills somehow. I'm on the cusp of a new job, a new career. But it feels both within reach, and out of reach. I can't even be honest and up front. I'm shrinking when I should be growing. How is this happening again? Haven't I learned anything? This was always going to be the tough part. The transition to something new. Something else. I'm over the past, but for some reason, I'm frozen. Doubt. Shame. Pain.
The world is ugly and uninviting. People shuffle around with their heads down and their minds on themselves. Chivalry is a dead idea. Honesty is a fault. How anyone looks at the world that awaits us and thinks they should have kids is irresponsible and selfish. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. If you're going to have kids, you better be willing to chip in and try and right the ship...not just for you and them, but for everyone. Posting cutesy pictures on facebook is not chipping in. Honestly, when did my generation fold and become our parents? Did we really buy all that 'Greatest Generation' bullshit? Job, house, wife, fence, pool, yard, 60" plasma? Why? What the fuck for?
Slaves.
I almost convinced myself its what I wanted too. To be respectable. To be responsible. Lies. Makes me want to puke.
posted by neil at 11:31 PM
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