home safe
I made it. That, my friends…was tough. I'm still buzzing actually…the echo of an empty gas tank. There will be no 6 am bedtime tonight…but sitting here, after such a week…I really don't know what to think about it actually…
Part of me is proud…despite my faults and the mistakes I made over the course of the week…and there were a few…I can look back on it and know that I really did try my best. Sometimes it may not seem it to look at me…but when it comes to life, I really do give it all I've got. Some days…its not much. I'll be the first one to admit that I'm guilty of some laziness and hesitancy in my past…and my present…traits that somehow crept in over the years and sank their way into my skin…like tiny leeches. Subconscious even…you don't notice it happening…probably because your drunk and/or stoned most of your late adolecence and early adulthood…a gradual slide into the ooze. A general malaise. A pale life complexion. Like a pair of wet socks you can't take off. And its been smothering me for too long now…but right now, now now, all I want to do and all I'm trying to do is celebrate this little tiny moment and hope I keep making them.
I'm trying…
Modesty and respect forces me to bite my tongue when it comes to certain feelings…putting a ceiling on this, and other moments like it…but I can say with certainty that my faith in my fellow man still resembles a severely cracked windshield…and I'm still terribly isolated from the feelings of connectedness and community that seem to be everywhere around me in the people and faces I see in the crowd…I'm lucky to know the few souls that I feel like I do…each one possessing a special spark within that dazzles the eye. I don't have a lot of friends…at all…and while sometimes I get it and see why this is…other times…I really baffles me. I'm different…but am I really that different? Am I really standing here in the wrong room like an idiot…waiting for something or someone that's never going to come? Am I that guy…the lone wolf? And not in the cool, biker dude who competes on the arm wrestling circuit kind of lone wolf…or the guy who plays by his own rules, drives a sports car with only 1 other seat, and brakes for nobody kind of lone wolf…but in the shivering creature traveling across the plains, far from the pack kind of lone wolf. Its not as if I don't get along with people fine…I can be charming and polite…clear and articulate…a good guy...but something isn't connecting. Its something they see...but its also something I see…or, more accurately, its something that I don't see when I look at most people that stops me…thing is, I'm not entirely sure I'm right to be looking for it. Maybe I've set the bar way too high, and priced myself out of the market? Only man standing?
OK, now we're getting into a whole other cane of worms that, at 2:44 am, after a long 18 hour day, I really don't feel like opening.
Right now…in this moment…I can smile. I did good. Not great. But good.
And here I am…celebrating good.
Typical.
I'm going to bed.
photo from sustainabilitythoughts.org
Part of me is proud…despite my faults and the mistakes I made over the course of the week…and there were a few…I can look back on it and know that I really did try my best. Sometimes it may not seem it to look at me…but when it comes to life, I really do give it all I've got. Some days…its not much. I'll be the first one to admit that I'm guilty of some laziness and hesitancy in my past…and my present…traits that somehow crept in over the years and sank their way into my skin…like tiny leeches. Subconscious even…you don't notice it happening…probably because your drunk and/or stoned most of your late adolecence and early adulthood…a gradual slide into the ooze. A general malaise. A pale life complexion. Like a pair of wet socks you can't take off. And its been smothering me for too long now…but right now, now now, all I want to do and all I'm trying to do is celebrate this little tiny moment and hope I keep making them.
I'm trying…
Modesty and respect forces me to bite my tongue when it comes to certain feelings…putting a ceiling on this, and other moments like it…but I can say with certainty that my faith in my fellow man still resembles a severely cracked windshield…and I'm still terribly isolated from the feelings of connectedness and community that seem to be everywhere around me in the people and faces I see in the crowd…I'm lucky to know the few souls that I feel like I do…each one possessing a special spark within that dazzles the eye. I don't have a lot of friends…at all…and while sometimes I get it and see why this is…other times…I really baffles me. I'm different…but am I really that different? Am I really standing here in the wrong room like an idiot…waiting for something or someone that's never going to come? Am I that guy…the lone wolf? And not in the cool, biker dude who competes on the arm wrestling circuit kind of lone wolf…or the guy who plays by his own rules, drives a sports car with only 1 other seat, and brakes for nobody kind of lone wolf…but in the shivering creature traveling across the plains, far from the pack kind of lone wolf. Its not as if I don't get along with people fine…I can be charming and polite…clear and articulate…a good guy...but something isn't connecting. Its something they see...but its also something I see…or, more accurately, its something that I don't see when I look at most people that stops me…thing is, I'm not entirely sure I'm right to be looking for it. Maybe I've set the bar way too high, and priced myself out of the market? Only man standing?
OK, now we're getting into a whole other cane of worms that, at 2:44 am, after a long 18 hour day, I really don't feel like opening.
Right now…in this moment…I can smile. I did good. Not great. But good.
And here I am…celebrating good.
Typical.
I'm going to bed.
photo from sustainabilitythoughts.org
posted by neil at 4:07 AM
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