last go around
Sometimes I really question whether or not I’ll ever find what I’m looking for. Maybe what I’m looking for doesn’t really exist 'out there'? The fact that I can’t even put into words what exactly it is I’m looking for…maybe there’s a reason for that?
Or maybe I haven't really been looking at all...maybe I've just been running. I really don't know what I've been running from all this time...most of my life it felt like I was moving towards something...I never really knew what exactly, but it all seemed like it was leading to something...and while others had a name for what they were moving towards...I never really figured that part out. And still to this day, I just don't understand...
I really am a fool.
Or maybe I haven't really been looking at all...maybe I've just been running. I really don't know what I've been running from all this time...most of my life it felt like I was moving towards something...I never really knew what exactly, but it all seemed like it was leading to something...and while others had a name for what they were moving towards...I never really figured that part out. And still to this day, I just don't understand...
I really am a fool.
posted by neil at 2:34 AM
9 Comments:
Well, firstly, how does not knowing make you a fool? I'd venture to say not many people know what they are looking for, some may stumble on it, some claim they know because they do yoga and drink smoothies or have revalations from Oprah's book club.
Nobody really knows.
Having kids or a big job or even a soulmate doesn't make you figure it out.
We're all fools then.
I don't know magdalena...I'd guess that more people know what they 'want' vs. those who don't...and at least those who don't have kids/families/partners/...which is a little more than 'something' in my opinion.
I feel foolish because 'I' feel like a fool sometimes for the choices I make. If you don't know what your looking for either...that's one thing...but to say we're all fools because I feel like a fool...that's not really what I was trying to say.
BUT...the human race as a whole is pretty messed up if you ask me...but that's a whole other can of worms. Maybe Oprah will get to that one someday...
=)
...then again...
I feel foolish because I make choices based on my belief that by making the right choices in life, for me, based on this 'thing' I'm after...that somehow things will work out for the best...but here I am, at 29, and I feel as if I've got nothing to show for it.
And as much as I like to say society is messed up...or that people can be idiots...I have to look in the mirror every day and live with the fact that so far...I haven't really done anything.
And that's why I feel like a fool.
(well...one reason at least...)
you are a gentle soul, that is all you need to be.
thanks anonymous…but being a ‘gentle soul’ isn’t enough…it never has been…and as hard as I’ve tried to make it work for me, it probably never will be…
Once you think you've found what you're looking for, it always changes, whether through your own shifting desires, or through outside influences. I firmly believe that we all die still chasing that "thing" we're looking for...what we think will make us whole. But it's intangible, elusive and ever-changing. I guess the point is to keep looking, as maddening as that can be, because otherwise, we'd just be big, empty souls with no sense of purpose at all.
I know there's probably a lot of truth to what your saying Alexandra...but I really think Buddhism got it right with 'desire is the root of all suffering' therefore 'man must cease to desire to avoid suffering'.
end of story.
so why bother looking for anything at all?
Well, my limited experience in studying Buddhism last semester tells me that one doesn't just disconnect and then there's nothing. Even if you're picking the root of asceticism and have disconnected from everything, you still have the goal of walking around and knocking on doors to ask for offers of food. May seem like a minimal goal, but it still requires interaction with others and the proffering of oneself as an example of sorts. I dunno, I can't pull myself completely out of the game to avoid all suffering--I guess I have too much hope, or I'm just a glutton for punishment. It's a hard road, though, for sure.
I hear what your saying Alexandra...and in a way you're right...but for me, right now, its the game that's killing me from the inside out...and as much as I'd love to fit in and 'find my niche'...I just don't feel like there's really any point for someone like me until such a time where I'm at peace with who I am and what I am...and even then...I've felt like an outsider for so long that its nearly impossible for me to imagine a time where I'll feel what it means to be 'together'.
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