curiouser and curiouser

I wish I wasn't as angry as I am.  I wish I could sit still more often.  I wish I would let the movies take me away more often...like they used to.  I wish I could afford to keep it warmer in my apartment.  I wish I didn't peak through the blinds as often as I do.  I wish I had more faith.  I wish I didn't take things to heart like I do.  I wish I wasn't so Goddamn emotional.  I wish I cared about myself as much as I care about the people around me.  I wish I wasn't so desperate sometimes.  I wish I could stop hiding from the world.  I wish I was  stronger.  I wish I wasn't so envious of people I don't even know.  I wish I could fall asleep when I wanted to.  I wish I could believe that my parents are proud of the person I've become.  I wish I could accept their help without feeling so guilty.  I wish I learned how to play the guitar.  I wish I was a better friend to my friends.  I wish I had tried harder when I was younger.

I'm not such a bad person.  I just don't fit in.  Conversation makes me uncomfortable.  I don't like it when people are wrong.  I don't like it when people hate things.  And then I look in the mirror and wonder how I've made it this far beating myself up the way I have for as long as I have.  Nobody is perfect.  I know this.  But it doesn't take.  People are good at their core.  The world makes them nasty.  It makes them angry.  It makes them loud.  They just want to be heard.  Want to be a part.  To feel like they belong.  They don't mean to upset the silence.  The calm of the evening.

I need to remember this more.  I'm good.