smoke

My fire, drive and passion is missing.  It rises up everyone once in a while, filling me with an overflowing feeling of energy, but it doesn't last.  What to do?  Where do I focus what's left?  As much as I resist, I really do want to hop back on the treadmill and get moving in the right direction...whatever that is.  I'm bored of myself and my misery.  Its old and stale.  But I don't have a believable peak to reach for.  A summit to aspire to.  I draw a blank when I close my eyes tight and dream.

I'm lazy, but not in the traditional definition of the word.  Rusty gears and low on oil I am.  Stuck in the mud. Exhausted.  It all applies, but there's more.  There's something at my core that stops me.  Makes me think about it instead of just doing it.  And I always find a way to convince myself its not worth it.  Not worth the trouble.  Not worth the conflict.  Not worth the uncomfortable feeling of potential failure.  If I'm ever going to be successful...whatever that is...I need to overcome those feelings.  Push through them.  Climb over them.  Break them down and sweep them into the garbage.  I've been trying to, in my own way, for the past 15 years.  I can't remember what it feels like to be truly happy.  Full.  Content.

I blame myself.  And that's the worst part.