comedown
There's just too much tension. And not the good kind. The exciting kind. We're talking the damp, awkward tension that lingers at the end of the night when both parties are ready to go home but don't know how to say it. When there's nothing left to be said.
Ours is a professional relationship. We're friends, but any hope of it being anything more than that is simply pipe dreaming at this point. I can feel it. She's too much into her life as it is. Too many friends. Too many things she wants to do that don't include me. I'm the help. The reliable friend. The one she can ask questions of, request rides from, and occasionally go out for coffee or a movie and not feel obligated that it go any farther than that. I can't say I'm thrilled with this, but as I've made pretty clear previously, the alternative is far more painful and awful...so I'll make do.
The drive home today was the first time there's been an awkward silence between us in...well...ever? I was tired. She was tired. She was making plans to meet up with someone else...someone new I'm guessing...and I was just the driver. Part of me thinks it was done in front of me on purpose. A 'not so fast' moment for me to chew on. Am I giving her more credit than she deserves? Maybe. But I'm not stupid. I see and feel things other don't. Sometimes things that aren't there...but more often than not they exist.
I'm not going to let this embitter me. I'm not going to fall off the wagon I've been on because of one 15 minute drive. I'm bigger and better than that now. But it is food for thought. Maybe I do need to play the field a little more? Maybe there are other fish better suited for this kahuna?
I don't blame her. She's made it pretty clear in the past that we're friends and that's it. Maybe I just read the signals wrong? Maybe there were not signals at all? Nevertheless, she not mine. She doesn't owe me anything and I need to remember that. I do this because I care and because she, ultimately, make me feel good when I'm around her. Makes me feel useful. Makes me feel like a good person...a good friend.
It's not me, it's her.
Ours is a professional relationship. We're friends, but any hope of it being anything more than that is simply pipe dreaming at this point. I can feel it. She's too much into her life as it is. Too many friends. Too many things she wants to do that don't include me. I'm the help. The reliable friend. The one she can ask questions of, request rides from, and occasionally go out for coffee or a movie and not feel obligated that it go any farther than that. I can't say I'm thrilled with this, but as I've made pretty clear previously, the alternative is far more painful and awful...so I'll make do.
The drive home today was the first time there's been an awkward silence between us in...well...ever? I was tired. She was tired. She was making plans to meet up with someone else...someone new I'm guessing...and I was just the driver. Part of me thinks it was done in front of me on purpose. A 'not so fast' moment for me to chew on. Am I giving her more credit than she deserves? Maybe. But I'm not stupid. I see and feel things other don't. Sometimes things that aren't there...but more often than not they exist.
I'm not going to let this embitter me. I'm not going to fall off the wagon I've been on because of one 15 minute drive. I'm bigger and better than that now. But it is food for thought. Maybe I do need to play the field a little more? Maybe there are other fish better suited for this kahuna?
I don't blame her. She's made it pretty clear in the past that we're friends and that's it. Maybe I just read the signals wrong? Maybe there were not signals at all? Nevertheless, she not mine. She doesn't owe me anything and I need to remember that. I do this because I care and because she, ultimately, make me feel good when I'm around her. Makes me feel useful. Makes me feel like a good person...a good friend.
It's not me, it's her.
posted by neil at 12:30 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home