testing, testing
Today is a big day for me. In reality, I probably shouldn't be hyping myself up, or raising expectations too high...but nevertheless I've had this date circled since I set it. You see, last weekend I took my female friend, the one who I've got feelings for, out for a friendly dinner/movie date. It didn't start well, but after an initial speed bump, we got to talking, or she got to talking, and it came pouring out. She had been accepted the the school she had applied to, the one on the other side of the country. She wanted to tell me face to face, as she had all the friends she had told thus far. She wanted to gauge my honest, initial reaction as much as she wanted advice as to what she should do. While this is something she's been talking about for a while, it's also a huge move and would not only move her far, far away from her family, but would put her at odds with her parents. They want her to finish the program that she's in. She hasn't told them that she's been accepted. She has the next 8-12 months to do that, but nevertheless, she wanted to know what I thought and how I felt.
As always, I was supportive and congratulated her. I told her I was always confident she was going to get in, and that I was sure she was nervous and scared, but that she had to do what she felt was best for her. I told her I was equal parts thrilled for her, and devastated that I'd be losing her to distance...but that I would support her in whatever she decided to do, and help where I could. I meant it. There is a part of me that really doesn't want her to go...that feels as if maybe this whole thing was more out of an idealized desire to live out west than her going after something she truly wanted to do for the rest of her life. I believe in her, and her ability to succeed in whatever she puts her heart, mind and soul into...so I have little doubt she could be successful on her new career path. But I can also see her change her mind, like she has in the past, and find out it wasn't really for her, and that she wants to come home. She's only a couple of years away from getting her degree in her current area of study, and there's a bit of doubt that she might be better off just finishing that program and then reevaluating upon its completion. But she also doesn't want to be in school forever...and seems pretty certain she'll be miserable spending another year or two in her current program. It's a very tough call...and one I'm extremely hesitant to advise on too much because I don't want to steer her in the wrong direction simply out of personal bias or selfishness. What I want to do is help her see her options, and simply be a good friend and be there when she decides what she wants to do...no matter what that is.
However, the idea that she may only be in my life for another year before moving across the country has added a sense of urgency and...resolve...that if she's ever going to be anything more than a friend, I need to pull myself together and act accordingly. It's why I asked her to have dinner with me again so quickly. It's why I've been watching relationship self-help videos and reading positive thinking literature in my spare time. It's why I'm so nervous about saying the wrong thing, or acting on the wrong impulse out of fear that I'll scare her off, and influence her big decision in a way I really, really don't want to do. You can understand my dilemma?
But more than that, I just want to have a good time in her company, and show her a good time. Show her a side of me that I maybe haven't shown before. Or shown properly. How I can be a friend, but also more than a friend, and how the two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. Show her how fun it is to spend time with me. Show her how much we have in common. And ultimately, show her how much I like her and how, even if I only have 12 more months, I want to try and explore what a relationship with her might be like. Pose some bigger questions and see what the answers are?
So tomorrow is a big day. I've got to be very careful not to come on too strong, but also I've got to make some kind of move. Do I grab her hand at the end of the night and tell her how I still feel? Or do I just enjoy our friendship and her company for what it is and not go ruining it by making an awkward move? I'm hoping my gut and my heart will work in unison tomorrow and lead me accordingly. Hopefully she'll send me a clear signal or two about what she is, and isn't down for. Our relationship is truly on the cusp...but it feels as if one small misstep could be disastrous...and if I've learned anything over the past month or so, it's that having her in my life is more important than having her in my life 'that way'.
Hopefully I'm my best self...we have a good time...the conversation is deep, fun and effortless...and the unfolding of the night is natural and takes care of itself.
As always, I was supportive and congratulated her. I told her I was always confident she was going to get in, and that I was sure she was nervous and scared, but that she had to do what she felt was best for her. I told her I was equal parts thrilled for her, and devastated that I'd be losing her to distance...but that I would support her in whatever she decided to do, and help where I could. I meant it. There is a part of me that really doesn't want her to go...that feels as if maybe this whole thing was more out of an idealized desire to live out west than her going after something she truly wanted to do for the rest of her life. I believe in her, and her ability to succeed in whatever she puts her heart, mind and soul into...so I have little doubt she could be successful on her new career path. But I can also see her change her mind, like she has in the past, and find out it wasn't really for her, and that she wants to come home. She's only a couple of years away from getting her degree in her current area of study, and there's a bit of doubt that she might be better off just finishing that program and then reevaluating upon its completion. But she also doesn't want to be in school forever...and seems pretty certain she'll be miserable spending another year or two in her current program. It's a very tough call...and one I'm extremely hesitant to advise on too much because I don't want to steer her in the wrong direction simply out of personal bias or selfishness. What I want to do is help her see her options, and simply be a good friend and be there when she decides what she wants to do...no matter what that is.
However, the idea that she may only be in my life for another year before moving across the country has added a sense of urgency and...resolve...that if she's ever going to be anything more than a friend, I need to pull myself together and act accordingly. It's why I asked her to have dinner with me again so quickly. It's why I've been watching relationship self-help videos and reading positive thinking literature in my spare time. It's why I'm so nervous about saying the wrong thing, or acting on the wrong impulse out of fear that I'll scare her off, and influence her big decision in a way I really, really don't want to do. You can understand my dilemma?
But more than that, I just want to have a good time in her company, and show her a good time. Show her a side of me that I maybe haven't shown before. Or shown properly. How I can be a friend, but also more than a friend, and how the two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. Show her how fun it is to spend time with me. Show her how much we have in common. And ultimately, show her how much I like her and how, even if I only have 12 more months, I want to try and explore what a relationship with her might be like. Pose some bigger questions and see what the answers are?
So tomorrow is a big day. I've got to be very careful not to come on too strong, but also I've got to make some kind of move. Do I grab her hand at the end of the night and tell her how I still feel? Or do I just enjoy our friendship and her company for what it is and not go ruining it by making an awkward move? I'm hoping my gut and my heart will work in unison tomorrow and lead me accordingly. Hopefully she'll send me a clear signal or two about what she is, and isn't down for. Our relationship is truly on the cusp...but it feels as if one small misstep could be disastrous...and if I've learned anything over the past month or so, it's that having her in my life is more important than having her in my life 'that way'.
Hopefully I'm my best self...we have a good time...the conversation is deep, fun and effortless...and the unfolding of the night is natural and takes care of itself.
posted by neil at 2:29 AM
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