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I wish I didn't care as much as I do. Sometimes it burns too hot. I just want to find that easiness that I knew when I was young. Then again, looking back, nothing was ever as easy as I'd like to remember it. You had fewer cares, fewer responsibilities, but that didn't make the ones you had seem any less important. 'My parents are going to KILL me!' you'd say, after getting a D in Grade 5 Geography. It felt like the end of the world. Or stumbling home drunk at 16 to find your father up watching TV. 'I'm busted for sure…' you'd think to yourself…images of the horrific brutality you thought you'd be subject to within seconds of encountering him dancing in your head as you turned the door knob. But you get through it…and stumble upstairs…you think you fooled him, but really, he remembers being 16 and sees a little more of himself in you that night…so he lets it slide.
But now…these days…there are just too many responsibilities…to much 'junk' to carry around…and it makes the joy really hard to find. I know I'm not looking in the right places…but to be fair, I have looked pretty much everywhere over the years. I've done my best to broaden my horizons, face my demons and admit my weaknesses in the hopes that I could overcome them, and to be the best person I can be. But it still isn't good enough. It just isn't.
I've become the person I am partially because of the experiences I've had…but sometimes its as if the whole world is yelling 'up' and I hear 'down'…or when I watch two magnets repelling each other with just enough force to keep them from touching…I can so relate to that! Things were going so well…and then…not so much.
I just wish I knew what to do next. Work is going to keep me very busy for the foreseeable future, yay for that (I guess)......but if I've learned anything in the past 6 weeks its that I need to find a way to get away from it when the day is done…a new hobby or some kind of outlet for my 'stuff'…


"Don't think of words when you stop but to see picture better." ~ Jack Kerouac