puzzled piece
Why do I keep lying to myself? I’m not who I think. I’m strong, but too weak for it to matter. I’m hardworking, but also lazy. I’m enlightened, but hopelessly lost. I’m kind and sweet and loving…but there’s never anybody around.
When I get something in my head or my heart…I’m off and running…full tilt. That is, until I realize that whatever it is keeps getting farther and farther away…and then I have to slow down…slow down…slow down…until I’m standing still again. Exhausted. Empty. Defeated.
Everyday is an adventure here in Neil’s nightmareland…where the sun shines, but there’s no warmth…where everything looks normal and alive and the wind still blows…but its all made out of plastic and has that smell of cleanliness...factory direct new car smell. Nature stripped bare…then dipped in latex. Numb to the touch. And so it goes…
So how do I change my fortune…and build myself back up in this crazy world? How do you reach down into the well one more time when it’s so dark?
Or am I the crazy one?
I pass a grizzly dude in a wheelchair on the sidewalk…or some cripple trying desperately to make it across the street before the light goes green…or some poor old man waiting for the bus in minus 10 degree weather while I’m cursing being stuck in traffic in my very own car…or some old girl talking to me on the elevator about how she saved $.70 on orange juice and how important that probably is to her…and I just want to punch myself really hard in the face. Like…really hard! Why can’t I make it work? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I get on track? Everyone else keeps trying…living for today with a mind on tomorrow…why is it so hard for me? I’ve been given tools…maybe not all of them…and maybe some completely useless ones, ones that might have been handy back in the 20’s or 30’s or something…but I just can’t seem to put it together and make me work.
If life is a puzzle…I’m the odd piece out…the one that got dropped in the wrong box. I don’t fit anywhere with anything. And my edges are getting worn out and frayed from trying.
When I get something in my head or my heart…I’m off and running…full tilt. That is, until I realize that whatever it is keeps getting farther and farther away…and then I have to slow down…slow down…slow down…until I’m standing still again. Exhausted. Empty. Defeated.
Everyday is an adventure here in Neil’s nightmareland…where the sun shines, but there’s no warmth…where everything looks normal and alive and the wind still blows…but its all made out of plastic and has that smell of cleanliness...factory direct new car smell. Nature stripped bare…then dipped in latex. Numb to the touch. And so it goes…
So how do I change my fortune…and build myself back up in this crazy world? How do you reach down into the well one more time when it’s so dark?
Or am I the crazy one?
I pass a grizzly dude in a wheelchair on the sidewalk…or some cripple trying desperately to make it across the street before the light goes green…or some poor old man waiting for the bus in minus 10 degree weather while I’m cursing being stuck in traffic in my very own car…or some old girl talking to me on the elevator about how she saved $.70 on orange juice and how important that probably is to her…and I just want to punch myself really hard in the face. Like…really hard! Why can’t I make it work? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I get on track? Everyone else keeps trying…living for today with a mind on tomorrow…why is it so hard for me? I’ve been given tools…maybe not all of them…and maybe some completely useless ones, ones that might have been handy back in the 20’s or 30’s or something…but I just can’t seem to put it together and make me work.
If life is a puzzle…I’m the odd piece out…the one that got dropped in the wrong box. I don’t fit anywhere with anything. And my edges are getting worn out and frayed from trying.
posted by neil at 6:41 PM
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