run for your life

I’m losing. I’m losing the game of life…and I’m losing little bits of myself all over the place. Perhaps these are the pieces that need to go? I’m getting old…and its time to lose the clutter of adolescence…

But now it feels like I’ve got nothing to hold on to. Nothing to tell me which way is up…which way I was pointed in the first place? That kid is dying…and so is the world his eyes saw. I look around now and all I see is empty…and I’m on my own. Growing up, left alone is all I ever wanted to be…I never knew why…but I always knew I would figure it out on my own. I had a vivid imagination, a good track record when it came to figuring things out, and I was quite comfortable on my own. I believed. I enjoyed my ‘crews’ over the years…and had a lot of fun with a lot of different friends (a lot fewer than you probably...but I've had some good ones...)…but I’ve always been a loner. I understood in my late teens that I would need help along the way…and accepted it (sometimes) when it was offered, and was always thankful for it…but because ‘something’ was calling me away…and I trusted something about myself…what that was I have no idea...my head, my heart, or some wild pipe dream…I just kept going.

But now everything is becoming a little less clear…where once barriers stood, now stand brick walls…and I don’t trust myself I like I used to. How can I? All these mistakes…all the failures…they all seem magnified...like everything else has peeled off to the side and become background noise…and all I can hear is the sound of my own voice…

“Now what are you going to do?”

And I don’t have an answer…and I can’t think of where to look for it either…