moving on
It's not going to happen.
I hate using the word 'never', because I doubt I'll ever fully close the door, and I have a history of not closing the door when it comes to situations like these...but I've been doing a lot of soul searching about this circumstance and I can't see myself keeping this up long term.
I'm beating my head against the wall...putting myself and my heart in harms way...and getting less and less out of it. For Christ's sake, she's 'hanging out' with the same guy she stayed out until 5 am the other night again tomorrow. Do I need any larger sign that she's just not that into me? I can't get her to stay out past 11, and here she is watching sunrises with some dude she works with. Yeah...don't have to tell me twice.
Of course, she's playing these cards so soon after I've come out saying I'll support her in her quest to go to school out west. I swear to God that I get fucked over any time I| try and help someone I care about. I attempt to go the extra mile, to be a good friend, and hopefully show said person I am, or can be an important person in their lives...and instead of it putting me in a better position, I end up getting the short end of the stick time after time. I get it...I'm not supposed to 'get' anything out of offering to help a friend...but come on, when it's a girl you like, and you constantly bend over backwards to show how great a guy you are, you kind of, in the back of your mind, hope said girl finally comes around and throws you a bone or two...even if its simply a genuine thank you from time to time. But all I get are hints and cryptic talk about her cool new guy friend who she's doing all the stuff I've suggested we do in the past. It's devastatingly unfair...if a bit funny at the same time.
So instead of continuing to pine for this girl hopelessly, and constantly put myself in a position to be walked on like some sort of coat in the road...I'm pulling back. I'll still be there to help. I'll still offer to drive when it's convenient. But I can't be the doormat anymore. I can't be at her beck and call. I'm learning that it just doesn't work. It never has, but I thought maybe it'd be different with her. Maybe we were two wayward souls who could just be ourselves and we'd find each other. Apparently not.
I don't make this pronouncement easily. I know I've gone back on this type of declaration before. I know it also comes off as bitter and pithy after I only recently said it was my intention to be a good friend 'no matter what' and that 10% was better than nothing. Well, I still don't want nothing...but honestly, 10% just isn't good enough.
So it's time to move on. I'm working a ton, and reading a lot in whatever free time I find, so I'll just put my head down and work through it. If she texts, maybe I'll respond promptly. Maybe I'll find myself doing something else. I'm not going to be a prick about it...that's not the intention...but I need to create some distance...some lines on the field of play that mark what's fair and what's foul. She's had it far too good recently, and now she's just rubbing my nose in it...just a little. That's not what I signed on for. Not even close.
I hate using the word 'never', because I doubt I'll ever fully close the door, and I have a history of not closing the door when it comes to situations like these...but I've been doing a lot of soul searching about this circumstance and I can't see myself keeping this up long term.
I'm beating my head against the wall...putting myself and my heart in harms way...and getting less and less out of it. For Christ's sake, she's 'hanging out' with the same guy she stayed out until 5 am the other night again tomorrow. Do I need any larger sign that she's just not that into me? I can't get her to stay out past 11, and here she is watching sunrises with some dude she works with. Yeah...don't have to tell me twice.
Of course, she's playing these cards so soon after I've come out saying I'll support her in her quest to go to school out west. I swear to God that I get fucked over any time I| try and help someone I care about. I attempt to go the extra mile, to be a good friend, and hopefully show said person I am, or can be an important person in their lives...and instead of it putting me in a better position, I end up getting the short end of the stick time after time. I get it...I'm not supposed to 'get' anything out of offering to help a friend...but come on, when it's a girl you like, and you constantly bend over backwards to show how great a guy you are, you kind of, in the back of your mind, hope said girl finally comes around and throws you a bone or two...even if its simply a genuine thank you from time to time. But all I get are hints and cryptic talk about her cool new guy friend who she's doing all the stuff I've suggested we do in the past. It's devastatingly unfair...if a bit funny at the same time.
So instead of continuing to pine for this girl hopelessly, and constantly put myself in a position to be walked on like some sort of coat in the road...I'm pulling back. I'll still be there to help. I'll still offer to drive when it's convenient. But I can't be the doormat anymore. I can't be at her beck and call. I'm learning that it just doesn't work. It never has, but I thought maybe it'd be different with her. Maybe we were two wayward souls who could just be ourselves and we'd find each other. Apparently not.
I don't make this pronouncement easily. I know I've gone back on this type of declaration before. I know it also comes off as bitter and pithy after I only recently said it was my intention to be a good friend 'no matter what' and that 10% was better than nothing. Well, I still don't want nothing...but honestly, 10% just isn't good enough.
So it's time to move on. I'm working a ton, and reading a lot in whatever free time I find, so I'll just put my head down and work through it. If she texts, maybe I'll respond promptly. Maybe I'll find myself doing something else. I'm not going to be a prick about it...that's not the intention...but I need to create some distance...some lines on the field of play that mark what's fair and what's foul. She's had it far too good recently, and now she's just rubbing my nose in it...just a little. That's not what I signed on for. Not even close.
posted by neil at 2:45 AM
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