Wednesday, January 23, 2013

hurt breath

I got a phone call this morning that instantly turned my mood from calm and collected to nervous and anxious.  I knew I was in a jam.  I'm attempting to turn my life in another, more professional direction, and had an interview with an insurance company regarding getting a start in the industry.  It went pretty well.  I'm not 100% ready to take this step, but I'm more than halfway there...I'm actually most of the way there, but there are still hurdles.  It marks, for me, the end of 'this' person.  The guy who stays up until 3:00 am philosophizing and watching re-runs of The Simpsons.  The guy who continues to have fading dreams of one day directing a film and perusing artistic goals and endeavours over getting a career and earning 'real' money.

The world beat me down.  And I just stood there and took it.  I tried, but I didn't really try.  I was never nose deep in my convictions to ever jump all the way.  I've done a lot of wading.  I've done even more watching.  From my earliest days my parents have said that I always stood off to the side and watched.  It took a long time, and usually coercion, for me to eventually join in.  I don't know what was different from the ages of about 8 to 14, but for a while I was at the front of the pack.  Looking back, I think it had a lot more to do with the fact that I was the tallest, the fastest and the loudest kid in my classes for most of my Elementary days than any other variable, but I was also a pretty sharp kid too, and was a leader.  As soon as High School sunk in, I changed.  I became a shrinking violet, and health issues combined with an already battered self esteem totally derailed me.  I still had my old group of friends, but even we were drifting apart as God, girls and grades all got in the way.  I also made new friends, and formed new bonds with people who made me feel like I was at the front of the pack again.  Of course, it wasn't the same...and those friendships eventually faded faster than previous ones had.  University was more of the same, only condensed all in one year.  I bounced around groups and cliques all year, never really fitting in anywhere, until I got spit out onto the road along with a couple other guys and we became friends.  It lasted 4 years, and I still consider them more brothers than friends for the times we shared, living together for the last 2.  I'm the third wheel of the group, but I also felt like I belonged...well, as much as I ever have, really.  I've made a few good friends in the years since school, but honestly, I just don't have the time or patience anymore.

How horrible is that?

I hate everything!  I don't care!  Things are only getting worse all over!  How the hell am I supposed to stay positive, and think positive, and strive for that retirement that I'll never get to enjoy?  I may never own my own house.  I honestly didn't even think that was an option when I was 15.  Or 20.  I'm probably never going to be a father.  I doubt I'll get married.  What am I doing here?  And don't tell me its to help other people, cause as much as I'd like to believe that, that's kind of what I've been doing my entire life, and it doesn't light me up inside.  Its partly to blame for why I'm here.  I am just not ambitious.  I try and stare off into my future, to see perhaps a hint of what it is I'm after...and its always the same.  Blank.  I'm not kidding, since I stopped being a kid, I have honestly had no clue what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do.  Part of it was me not wanting to choose...but it was also not being able to choose.  I'm pretty good at a lot of things.  But I've never been great at anything.  I've been very good...soccer player, track and field athlete, politician, journalist, boss, friend...but never great.  No, that's not true...I was a great video store clerk.  But that vocation doesn't exist anymore.  Anyway, if there was something I knew I could be great at...well...I'd probably pick that path at this point...but I still feel like I lost.  Like I'm walking away with the consolation prize.

I honestly hate everything I've said here tonight.  I don't know what this is?

Friday, January 11, 2013

swim

I had it going there for a while.  I really did.  And then I slipped.  And slipped again.

Yesterday was a good day, full of promise and positive feelings.  Then I got lazy and fell into routine.  Despite my best efforts.  I really am torn in half over letting go.  That half that still wants to stick themselves in the sand knows full well its not going to be able to do that much longer.  Circumstance has placed me squarely in the path of change, and if I don't take advantage...if I let this chance pass by while I stare at the ground...maybe I need to really fuck something up before I'll admit defeat and move on from this aimless quest?  I'm not unhappy for having made the trek...and ultimately what I've learned will, hopefully, prove useful in the future...but I just can't seem to find the right balance to allow myself to wander around life like a drifter who doesn't drift.  Detached but present.  Passionate but calm.

I'm a pretty tough guy.  I may not look it, but I am.  But I wish I was tougher emotionally.  I wish I had that thing that used to push me on when I didn't want to.  I wish I didn't want to as much as I do.  My better self peaked through yesterday for a brief moment.  I like that guy.  But he's not happy either and he knows it.

This is normally where the whirlpool really grabs hold and I go down, down, down.

Not this year.