good/bad

I know if I was to look back at my posts over the years, I would find that I've used the term 'rollercoaster' more than a handful of times to describe my emotional state from one day to the next...or one hour to the next.  For some reason, I just can't seem to maintain a positive, content state of being for more than a few hours without having something (usually internal...usually all in my head) bring me back down.  It's awful.  I spend so much energy trying to distract myself from falling into the whirlpool of despair and doubt that even when I'm truly happy, or have a chance to be, I've got one eye on the black cloud that is 'somewhere' overhead.  

I've been spending a lot of time lately trying to determine the root cause of this overriding sense of doom that has soaked into the pores of my being, and I'm embarrassed to say that the dominant trigger is sex, intimacy, and my lack thereof. Further analysis has opened my eyes to the fact that I'm devastatingly stuck in a cycle of negativity when it comes to relationships that acts as a cause-and-effect trap I can't escape.  Sure, I could attempt to play the field, playing Russian Roulette with random women I meet at the usual hunting grounds...or venture into other tried-and-true methods for meeting other like-minded singles.  However, the truth of the matter is I feel as if I'm beyond help when it comes to finding the sort of connection I so desperately want.  I've been fucked over, rejected, strung along and kept at arms length so many times now that I just can't believe that I'll ever find someone who I can truly click with who clicks back.  

Have I given up?  Almost.

Every so often, I'll catch a glance or make eye contact with someone and I'll get that feeling that there's something there...but I'm so switched off and defensive that I try everything in my power to find a reason why I'm just imagining things.  I'll close myself off, cross my arms, put my head down and attempt to forget just how lonely I get sometimes so as not to put myself in the precarious position where I might get hurt...again.  It's no way to live life...this I know...but like an abused animal, the road to rehabilitation is one I'll need assistance finding, let alone walking down.  And let's be honest, who has time for that?

And so I search and search for more empty hobbies and distractions in order to take my mind off my many hurts and sorrows.  My loneliness shoved somewhere deep inside and pressed down so as not to get in the way of the day to day.  Work.  Bills.  Meals.  Sleep.  But it's always there, just under the surface, ready to cover me like a black tarp when I least can afford another sleepless night or rotten day.

I really, really, really don't want to be hurt again.  Avoidance is the only way.  But it only works some of the time.

too loud

Visual noise. Audible noise. Noise in my head. Noise in my heart. Noise in the apartment next to mine. Noise outside my window. Noise at work. It's everywhere. 

I just want peace and quiet. I just want calm. Where can I go? Do I literally have to plug foam into my ears, bury myself under 5 pounds of sheets and bed covers and try and drown it all out?  It still doesn't do the job completely. Drugs? Heavy drugs? Booze?

It just makes me angry. Makes me frustrated. Makes me want to grab a big fucking stick and confront all this noise head on.  Quit banging on the walls! Quit honking your goddamn horn! Quit playing games! Quit calling me! Quit yelling your argument right in front of me! Shut the fuck up!

I can't take this anymore.

various

Why is my computer so slow right now?  It's 1:30 in the morning, I'm not downloading anything and 90% of my side of the world is fast asleep?  What is wrong with you internet?  I just want to listen to some music, type some words, think about shit and not have be interrupted by pauses and a whirring mainframe.  

Please.

I feel like I'm turning into something right now.  Not right this second, but over the past couple of weeks I've felt myself morphing into something different.  My body and mind are tired, and in that tired haze I've found myself feeling a new reality.  I don't exactly know what this new reality is...or if it's real at all...but it's different.  There's a calm washing over me.  There are bursts of rage and frustration and exhaustion, but it's like I've got my hands on the controls and I can turn the dial at will right now.  Like a release valve that I can open and close to vent the bad vibes and thoughts that build up and course through my arteries.

I'm giving credit for some of this to some great movies I've watched over the past few days.  I've also been working a ton.  I've also started to come to grips with the fact that the love I thought I had was and is totally one sided.  Was more than is at this point.  Any attempt to repair or rebuild of salvage that love would be futile and I know that now.  Well, I've always kind of known it...I guess I'm only now fully embracing this fact.  I'm facing the wall of hurt instead of turning away and trying not to look at it.  Staring at it.  I'm not mad.  Upset, sure, but not mad.  And even saying I'm upset is a bit of a overstatement.  While I'd hardly say I'm over it, I'm getting there.  Maybe.  But in attempting to get there, I've found myself a clearing of calm that I'm right now standing in.  Staring out into a vast open field of dreams and clouds and thoughts that are now uncluttered and void of the overpowering fog of love that had me lost in a haze of half truths and make believe.  It wasn't total fantasy...there are very real feelings on both sides...mostly on mine, but now that I'm no longer doing all the cooking, things have settled down to a controllable boil instead of whatever it was I've been immersed in for the past couple of years.  Years.  Fucking years.  Terrible.

I have just enough energy to give of myself in little doses.  I've always spread myself too thin...or kept it bottled up inside for a rainy day...or a bright sunny one...but right now I feel as if, like that rage exhaust valve, I've got much more control over who and what I give my energy to.  I'm not lost in the helpless dog-chasing-his-tail treadmill I've been running on trying to win over someone who didn't want to be won.  Trying to impress someone who was already impressed, but not impressed enough...and never will be.  It's devastating...don't get me wrong...I still have moments of feeling totally crushed and helpless...but I squeeze it out and turn it off and move onto the next day.  Maybe its because I'm so busy and I just don't have the time or energy to spare right now?  I'd like to think that I'm moving on with my life, but I think that may be giving myself a little too much credit at this point.  I do that sometimes and then find myself unguarded and exposed to another whipping.  So I won't get too high and comfortable in my new body.  Not yet anyway.

I'm going to be on my own a lot over the next few weeks.  By choice and circumstance.  But it's what I need right now.  That being said, I've had more lunch and dinner invites over the past couple of weeks than I've had in the past couple of years.  Seriously.  It's strange.  Maybe I'm giving off some kind of vibe that's telling the people around me that I'm finally opening myself up to change.  To newness.  I'm not closed off and sure of my narrow path anymore.  I'm maybe ready to make new friends?  Again, probably a bit of an overstatement...because I still, in all honesty, can't stand being around people...but I'm trying harder right now, even if I am feeling more exhausted than I have in a long time.  

I've been through the ringer.  October and November were terrible, terrible months.  But it had to happen.  And so it did.  And now I'm coming out the other side of it all.  What I can't do is allow myself to fall back into the old reality again.  Dreaming those dreams.  Feeling those feelings.  I've got to turn the page and close that chapter and use this blank space to start a new one.  

Maybe I can this time?

Inspired.  Positive.  Uncluttered.  Free.  Detached.

She doesn't understand.  It's not her fault.  She's immature.  That's not her fault either.  She's supposed to be.  It's what I liked about her.  It's what I like about her.  Just not as much as I did before.  Now there's a certain negative quality attached to that immaturity that I overlooked and set aside because I loved her so much.  It didn't matter.  It was such a small part of the whole package.  But maybe it wasn't so small?  Maybe it was the elephant in the room.  The thing standing in the way.  That's letting me off the hook a little too much, because I know a lot of it was me...but maybe it's not quite as one sided as I led myself to believe.  I am likable.

I still can't sleep though.  It's getting worse.  Which makes me more worried.  It eats up pieces of energy I don't have to spare on a nightly/daily basis.  But maybe it's this tired, exhausted state that's allowing me to think and feel and see what I'm seeing right now?  Maybe this is all for a reason?

If anything, I've always held onto the notion that things happen for a reason.  It's been like a life-jacket I've worn in case of emergency.  A chute to be pulled when needed.  But the thing about it is that it's just there.

And therein lies the contradiction.  I haven't felt this in control in a long time, yet I also feel totally out of control.  Hands on the valve while hands off the wheel.

Life is fucked up like that, isn't it?