ajar
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
It's 'peck' right? Not sure I've ever heard that word used outside of Peter Piper's picking preferences? Remember how when you were kids you'd hear stuff like this and think it was hilarious? Trying to get a friend to twist his tongue, and laughing when he ultimately found himself with a mouthful of gibberish. The fact that I don't find stuff like that funny anymore, I think, says something about me. No, that's a lie...I do find stuff like that funny still...I think the point I'm trying to make is I'm not actively seeking out that 'funny' anymore. I certainly didn't take life as a 'joke' growing up, but me and my friends were always trying to outdo the other, you were trying to make each other laugh. Now, I almost feel 'too old' to be having that kind of fun. Its sad and absurd really, but deep down I know its something holding me back from really enjoying the things I enjoy. Fully embracing my inner geek. Money is certainly an obstacle as well, and maybe subconsciously I'm pulling a Buddha and trying to rid myself of my desires so as not to fall victim to the envy and jealousy I'd otherwise feel for not owning that Blu Ray player? Probably not, but still...the fact that I can't go out and buy something just because it appeals to me is a problem. Its a problem I share with pretty much everyone on the planet, save the super rich, but still...I fall into that group of 'underachievers' who really does have to make the choice between rent and full cupboards...at least right now I do...so I'm speaking from at least some experience on what its really like to struggle. I'll also freely admit that I'm a big part of the problem...and until I decide what it is I want, I ain't going nowhere but sideways.
And if I'm not careful...sideways if I'm lucky.
I honestly do not intend to come on here to feel sorry for myself. I write...type...whatever...whenever the mood strikes. That's usually late at night when I'm avoiding another night of poor sleep and the promise of another day. See, that right there...'promise of a new day'...what the fuck is that? Of course I'm happy to be given everyday I get! Sure, my life's a bit problematic right now, but I think more than anything that's something that really bothers me about me. I know life is tough. I know people have it tougher than me. I know people who have it tougher than me. I just feel like I'm wasting my time trying to find my role. Trying to find this stride that so many of my peers and former classmates have found. I want to believe that the best truly is yet to come...and I honestly think that's the spark that kept me going all those years in school, and even the past decade or so. As hard on myself as I am, and have been, I was willing to give myself the fact that I still had 'potential'. And serious potential at that. But those goosebumps don't hit me anymore. My heart only beats fast now when I'm panicking. I thrived under pressure. It's always done a number on me emotionally, but it's brought out the best in me for years and years, going back to early childhood. But now? Its as if my greatest weapon has been turned against me. Now I avoid those situations instead of blindly searching them out like a dog searches out a scent. I don't have sports anymore either. I was good at that too.
I'm still good at stuff. I take a pretty good picture. I'm creative. I've got pretty stellar taste in 'what's hot' and can spot a trend well before its 'caught on'. I have skills I guess is what I'm trying to say. Its how I best use those skills is what I'm having the problem with. That...and my general dislike for this the way the world is today.
As for what driving me now? Hard to say. I obviously want to avoid total failure as a person. So there's that. I like having a home, a roof over my head. I do like having a job to go to, even if I feel like an unnecessary 3rd wheel sometimes. Again, that's bullshit, cause I bring a lot to that place...but I'm also seriously underachieving as well.
Maybe tomorrow will be the start of something great? I just think its a little unfair that I get stuck waking up with my own worst enemy every morning.
It's 'peck' right? Not sure I've ever heard that word used outside of Peter Piper's picking preferences? Remember how when you were kids you'd hear stuff like this and think it was hilarious? Trying to get a friend to twist his tongue, and laughing when he ultimately found himself with a mouthful of gibberish. The fact that I don't find stuff like that funny anymore, I think, says something about me. No, that's a lie...I do find stuff like that funny still...I think the point I'm trying to make is I'm not actively seeking out that 'funny' anymore. I certainly didn't take life as a 'joke' growing up, but me and my friends were always trying to outdo the other, you were trying to make each other laugh. Now, I almost feel 'too old' to be having that kind of fun. Its sad and absurd really, but deep down I know its something holding me back from really enjoying the things I enjoy. Fully embracing my inner geek. Money is certainly an obstacle as well, and maybe subconsciously I'm pulling a Buddha and trying to rid myself of my desires so as not to fall victim to the envy and jealousy I'd otherwise feel for not owning that Blu Ray player? Probably not, but still...the fact that I can't go out and buy something just because it appeals to me is a problem. Its a problem I share with pretty much everyone on the planet, save the super rich, but still...I fall into that group of 'underachievers' who really does have to make the choice between rent and full cupboards...at least right now I do...so I'm speaking from at least some experience on what its really like to struggle. I'll also freely admit that I'm a big part of the problem...and until I decide what it is I want, I ain't going nowhere but sideways.
And if I'm not careful...sideways if I'm lucky.
I honestly do not intend to come on here to feel sorry for myself. I write...type...whatever...whenever the mood strikes. That's usually late at night when I'm avoiding another night of poor sleep and the promise of another day. See, that right there...'promise of a new day'...what the fuck is that? Of course I'm happy to be given everyday I get! Sure, my life's a bit problematic right now, but I think more than anything that's something that really bothers me about me. I know life is tough. I know people have it tougher than me. I know people who have it tougher than me. I just feel like I'm wasting my time trying to find my role. Trying to find this stride that so many of my peers and former classmates have found. I want to believe that the best truly is yet to come...and I honestly think that's the spark that kept me going all those years in school, and even the past decade or so. As hard on myself as I am, and have been, I was willing to give myself the fact that I still had 'potential'. And serious potential at that. But those goosebumps don't hit me anymore. My heart only beats fast now when I'm panicking. I thrived under pressure. It's always done a number on me emotionally, but it's brought out the best in me for years and years, going back to early childhood. But now? Its as if my greatest weapon has been turned against me. Now I avoid those situations instead of blindly searching them out like a dog searches out a scent. I don't have sports anymore either. I was good at that too.
I'm still good at stuff. I take a pretty good picture. I'm creative. I've got pretty stellar taste in 'what's hot' and can spot a trend well before its 'caught on'. I have skills I guess is what I'm trying to say. Its how I best use those skills is what I'm having the problem with. That...and my general dislike for this the way the world is today.
As for what driving me now? Hard to say. I obviously want to avoid total failure as a person. So there's that. I like having a home, a roof over my head. I do like having a job to go to, even if I feel like an unnecessary 3rd wheel sometimes. Again, that's bullshit, cause I bring a lot to that place...but I'm also seriously underachieving as well.
Maybe tomorrow will be the start of something great? I just think its a little unfair that I get stuck waking up with my own worst enemy every morning.
posted by neil at 1:40 AM
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