Thursday, May 31, 2007

A Bakers Dozen (Go)

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”" ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.” ~ W.C. Fields

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” ~ Samuel Beckett

“Determination gives you the resolve to keep going in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you.” ~ Denis Waitley

“A failure establishes only this, that our determination to succeed was not strong enough.” ~ Christian Nevell

“A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.” ~ Colin Powell

The truest wisdom is a resolute determination” ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

“Little by little does the trick.” ~ Aesop

“I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end.” ~ Larry Bird

“Men are made stronger on realization that the helping hand they need is at the end of their own arm.” ~ Sidney J. Phillips

“He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

“The only things in life you regret, are the risks that you didn't take.” ~ Anonymous

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~ Maria Robinson

Monday, May 28, 2007

Pulled Over

Well…I broke my speeding ticket cherry today. Driving to work this morning, I was munching on a blueberry muffin making the turn off an off-ramp when I looked up and spotted a police cruiser about 20 feet from me. I looked down…saw I was doing 80…realized the limit for this tiny strip of road (another 300 yards or so) was 60…and just stared ahead hoping that he hadn’t nabbed me.

Sure enough…he had.

Lucky for me, my good manners, apparent respect for cops and ''aw shucks' attitude must have won over Mr. Officer (“I’m sorry sir…I was eating my breakfast on my way to work...I'm not a speeder”) and he bumped my ticket down to a 70 in a 60 (that’s right…10 GD km/h over the limit friends) and sent me on my way. I knew I was guilty, even if it was in a notoriously cheesy place where the speed limit dips down to 60 from 80, before going back up to 80 further down the road...so there was no point in fighting it. I was just in the wrong spot at the wrong time…eating a muffin.

Now, I know what your thinking…after all the tar and bile I’ve been swimming in the past few weeks, this event had the ability to send me reeling…I could have thrown my arms up in despair, cursed the heavens and just lost it. But you know what, I was determined NOT to let this get my week off to a bad start. ‘Its only $40 bucks’ I said to myself…

‘It could have been worse…he could have been a dick…my registration could have been old…fuck it, everyone gets a speeding ticket at one time or another…’

And you know what? Despite the ticket, I made it through the day without too much trouble and was able to keep a fairly genuine smile etched across my face the entire day. I’m going to have a good week this week…no matter what!
Life isn’t going to get to me…not this week…not this time…

Sunday, May 27, 2007

With The High Beams On

I had to work late last night. Really late. After dropping off one of my colleagues at his house at 3:50 am…I began the quiet, solitary drive back to my apartment some 20 minutes away. It had been raining during parts of the evening so the roads were slick and black. After a balmy couple of days, a slight chill had entered the air, causing steam to rise from the patches in the asphalt where the sun had left its warm mark hours earlier. With my high beams illuminating the scene, it looked like upside down rain as the mist rose up into the darkness, forming dozens of mini storm clouds right before me. I love that feeling on a cool, quiet evening when it feels like I’m the only person awake for miles…when the moonlight is just right and I’m in that state of tiredness where I’m not drowsy, but ‘dazed’. If only I could capture that feeling and carry it around with me in my pocket for those moments during the day when it feels like I’m being covered in an avalanche of people. I spend a lot of time by myself…sometimes by choice…occasionally not…and its precisely these moments when I’m alone…be it for only 10 minutes, an entire hour…or simply a blink of the eye…that I live for. I know there are much bigger and better things to be had in this life…but when you feel like your always coming up short, always on the losing end, you learn to snatch whatever victory you can wherever you can…no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Sometimes, its all I have.

As it stands, I’ve been going through a really rough patch recently. I’ve got a pretty good handle on what it is that’s troubling me so much…a volatile mixture of career and personal uncertainty, with a dash of heartache is polluting my heart and mind and has been off and on for some time now. Usually the ride is an up and down affair…never up for too long…never down long either…but this last trench seems like it was dug out of the Grand Canyon. I’m still waiting for the nose to start pointing up again. This tired despair has rendered me void of almost all creativity and interest in virtually anything whatsoever. Thus no blog. For the past week or so I’ve been like a zombie…dragging my half conscious carcass around with me wherever I go. However, that’s not the worst part…the worst part is the energy I expend putting on a brave (and friendly) face at work. I’m not naturally a cheerful, happy person, (this much is clear by now, right?) but I’ve always seen my job as a challenge…an opportunity for me to ‘grow’ as a person…become more personable…more approachable…a challenge I was up for. And while I have surprised myself with my ability to navigate my way through a never-ending carousel of personalities…the toll it takes on my soul cannot be ignored. I fear eventually I just won’t be able to wear the mask anymore…the façade will crumble and the curtain pulled back to reveal the real me…the frustrated, angry, fed up underachiever who can’t seem to catch a break no matter what he tries. He wouldn't last 2 days.

All I can do is try. Put my best foot forward, be as true to myself as I can, and hope that light bulb goes off soon…cause sometimes it gets awfully dark in here…even with the high beams on.


Thursday, May 24, 2007

Message In A Bottle

Nothing to report. Life is very scattered right now. Drafted to sit on jury for Police Inquiry in June…2 weeks no pay…my civic duty they say. Money is running low, sprits ok. Problems at work. Uncertainty at home. Fast friends of winter have become fading friends of summer. A shame…they were special. Constantly tired, hungry (broke) and lost…but I’m trying my best to hold my head up high, smile when I can and remind myself that nothing in this life is ever promised…and that things could always be worse. All the best J...I’m really psyched for you!

“How people treat you is their karma;
how you react is yours.” ~ Wayne Dyer

Letters From Iwo Jima

"Do what is right because it's right."


****

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

It’s Only Temporary…

Friday, May 11, 2007

The Fountain

"It's all done except the last chapter. I want you to help me.
Finish it..."


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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The Adventures of Cat & Ghost

Sunday, May 06, 2007

speaking through song

You can learn a lot about a person by the type of music they listen too. It’s been my experience that two people who like the same music usually have a lot more in common than just music. I remember when I was younger, I used to love sitting down with my CD collection and making mix tapes…this was before MP3’s and burning CD’s…the process was a delicate mixture of feeling, timing and patience. When I made a tape, depending on who it was for, I would often subconsciously try to say something by the songs and artists that I chose. I would take painstaking time to ‘build’ a layered rive rof music, maybe quiet at first…transitioning to a more chaotic feel…before winding things down. Often, the tapes were for me…a sort of personal history of my evolving tastes in music…the soundtrack of my life at that particular moment in time. I’ve made tapes for other people too, girls I was seeing or interested in seeing usually, but they never seemed to produce the resonance and response I intended. Was it them…or was it me?
Going back and listening to these tapes often brings back a flood of memories and feelings…like going back for a few brief moments and remembering the shy, introverted, unsure kid I was when I was 15, 16, 18 years old. Sometimes its painful…sometimes it brings a smile to my face that I can’t wipe away…and sometimes…
My mix tape days, it would seem, are over. The tape deck in my stereo doesn’t work anymore…and finding cassette tapes can be a real chore in this, the 21st century. I’ve dabbled here and there with burning CD’s…but its just not the same. However, thanks to blogging and other internet community sites, I’m still able to use music to say things that I am either too embarrassed, afraid or just can’t say with my own words. It may be less direct and a little cryptic…but sometimes I find that a particular song can really spell out how I’m feeling…so long as the people listening are really tuned in. Most people, unfortunately, aren’t. A song to say how much I care…a song to say how empty I feel…a song to say where I want to go…a song to ask why? There’s a song for every feeling…and a feeling for every song.
I’m not sure how many other people can use music like this…or choose to…but they’re out there…I’ve heard it with my own two ears. Sometimes a song can lift you up 1000 feet into the air…or crush you with the weight of an aircraft carrier. You can use music to tell someone to come closer…or to back away.
For some of us…music (and art) IS life.


Music is your own experience, your own thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. They teach you there's a boundary line to music. But, man, there's no boundary line to art.” ~ Charlie Parker

Music should never be harmless.” ~ Robbie Robertson

Music is the vernacular of the human soul.” ~ Geoffrey Latham

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Robin Hood

"Faint hearts never won fair lady."


*****

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

My F$%@!*# Back

That’s right…another guy complaining about back pain…get in line, right? As someone who has dealt with back problems on and off for most of my adult life (I'm 6”4) I can say that its one of those afflictions that, while specifically located in the small of the back, affects virtually everything you do. It slows you down…makes it difficult to move…and when your job requires you to be on your feet for 9 hours a day in constant motion…well, it makes for a very uncomfortable day. Basically, back pain can be very debilitating and is (almost) enough to bring a grown man to tears.

My back started acting up a few days ago after the longest time with little to no trouble. I’m pretty sure the combination of stress, poor diet and sleeping on the couch is responsible for my back turning into a twisted up phone chord. I’ve been popping the Tylenol to numb the pain, stretching, twisting and cracking my back 3…4…5 times a day trying to relieve the stress…but the relief is only temporary. Also, the constant drug use needed to fight the pain has resulted in me being groggy and crabby when I wake up in the morning…and for a good couple of hours afterwards. I was feeling so shitty this particular morning that I almost blew off work again…but I sucked it up, went in, and while the pain was pretty bad, I was kind of glad to be ‘doing something’ other than sitting on my couch and feeling sorry for myself. Like I said in my last post…its been a rough week or so.

So to all of you out there suffering with back pain…who know the feeling of a spine shaved down to the width of a toothpick…I feel your pain!

And then some…


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Pink Lemonade Icebergs

Didn’t sleep a wink last night. Just can’t sleep. However, if not for this bout of insomnia, I would have missed one incredible sunrise this morning. Pink lemonade. That’s what the sky looked like…pink clouds on a near-clear background. You know that pink lemonade from concentrate you buy in cans for $.45…and you know how when you add water to it and start mixing it up, it takes a while for all the ice to dissolve…that’s what the sky looked like about 2 minutes before the sun broke over the horizon. Floating icebergs of pink lemonade.

Yesterday was a rough, rough day. The culmination of a rough few days in fact…I could feel this day coming a mile away...it was unavoidable, but that didn’t make it any easier to deal with…hell, I’m STILL dealing with it.

One big long now…and it goes…

'Hare' Metal