into the desert

photo by ~ unknown

ugly language

I'm sitting here trying to find a round about way to say how much of an ass-hole I feel sometimes...but its probably easiest if I just come out and say it.

I'm an ass-hole!

I really am. Not all the time. In fact, a good 80-90% of the time, I'm a nice guy...to your face and behind your back. I don't talk bad about people unless they've done something bad to me...and even then, its not the behind-the-back variety...they know. But sometimes, out in public, or at work, I turn into a bitter pill of a person. I'm tired, I've had a hard day...and someone just does something.

Today was a difficult day, and right before it was over...with about 45 minutes to go...in walks the final problem for the day. I could sense it. I did everything I could to avoid a confrontation...but for whatever reason, the ass-hole Neil stepped up and started getting loud...and started talking...saying stuff that, well, I wouldn't normally say...yes, it was under my breath, but still loud enough that maybe, just maybe, it was overheard. After that, it was looks and more muttering into my collar...and then jumping in with attitude right at the end. As I stood there, holding the door...I felt a tinge of relief, but a larger wave of regret. Why couldn't I have been nice for those last 40 minutes? Why didn't I just step outside and grab some air? Maybe I just had to do it...to get it off my chest? Still...its been happening a lot more lately, and in my line of work, its just not good sportsmanship...I need to be the bigger man.

I guess I'm just really worn down, and a little jumpy. Big meeting tomorrow. Early.

I'm just bummed out that, despite what was a miserable day, I found a way to make it feel even worse...dragging this home with me...knowing full well I'm not the kind of guy to just 'let this go' so easy.

Lesson learned?

straw house

I’m trying to stay the course on this one. Long term. Baby steps.

Some days are harder than others. I think the best way to describe what I’m trying to do right now is ‘hold it together’…because it feels like at any moment, any piece of me could break off and fall away and cause a total collapse. My insides are going crazy. Its like my heart and my brain are being split into multiple units...like cells dividing...ripping and tearing...all now working overtime on a different problem/situation. I'm hurting. But if I can hold it together, maybe the parts will start to fuse back together...better and stronger than before.

Fuck.

I’m just clutching at straws right now, trying to keep myself positive. Fuck. I hate that I’m still counting on someone else to come into my life and help me help myself. How did I become such a hopeless romantic? How did all these years of heartache and pain not result in my throwing in the towel years ago? I can't do it anymore. Its just too much.

Now I'm just tired. So fucking tired. I hate that I sound like a broken record...and that this blog has been reduced to...this...you'd think one of these days I'd read something that I've posted for the 1000th time and it would sink in and I'd get it. I hate that I can’t break the cycles that keep me going down, down, down…only to start all over again at the top.

click

There's always a tinge of regret when I post some of the more 'internal' thoughts on this blog...I honestly don't know what the hell I'm talking about some of the time...just weird, sad shit...but for the most part, even if I've looked back on something I've written and seen it as lame or sad or pathetic, it lets me look at it from another perspective...lets me look at myself from a different vantage point...and learn something.

The previous post to this one has been on my mind for most of the day. I woke up thinking about what I wrote...how I was going to 'face the day'...and it all seemed so pointless. I know myself too well to believe I have any control over anything that does or doesn't happen to me...or goes on in this fucked up head of mine...or in this deathtrap of a heart...so I've got to just chill a bit and go with the flow like I'm always talking about and just...whatever. So when I came on here and read what magdalena had posted...well...it really was what I needed to hear. It was like the best hug I've gotten in years!

I'm glad I said it. And I'm glad she said it. And if you don't agree...well...fair enough...but I doubt it'll change my mind. At least...not today. For someone like me, its the little things that really mean a lot...a sign here...a feeling there...I don't want much, really I don't...but a little genuine re-inforcement can be a huge deal to a someone so shut off as I am. Problem is that praise and encouragement can usually feel manufactured to someone tuned in to being so jaded...or sometimes it just feels like it comes with a price tag attached...to be continued. But then sometimes, the words carry a weight...and it hits you right here...it just clicks. Someone got you.

It may just be today...but right now, I don't feel like an idiot...and I've got more than one person to thank for that...so if you've ever left a comment on here...thanks for the support!