Orange is the New Black

“I knew that I would have to be brave. Not foolhardy, not in love with risk and danger, not making ridiculous exhibitions of myself to prove that I wasn't terrified--really genuinely brave. Brave enough to be quiet when quiet was called for, brave enough to observe before flinging myself into something, brave enough to not abandon my true self when someone else wanted to seduce or force me in a direction I didn't want to go, brave enough to stand my ground quietly.”

shattered

insect heads

Straight ahead.  Eyes forward.  Don't flinch.  Listen, smile and nod.  20 minutes in the car, and I don't think we made eye contact until right before she got out.  Think of something else.  Think of something else.  

It's none of my business.  I don't want to know.  It's your life.  I'm happy for you.  Good luck with everything.  I'm sure you'll do well.  It's been nice to know you.

I wish sometimes I had the courage to talk to a professional about what I'm dealing with and how I deal with it.  I'm sure I'm like all the other patients who think their troubles are unique to them and them alone...only to learn that there's a proven, uniform way to properly deal and join the ranks of the well adjusted.  I'm about 80% well adjusted.  The rest is a shadowy corner filled with complex webs of emotions and memories and delayed reactions to life's unending conga line of surprises.  It's a fucking mess, that 20%.  

Most of the time, I'm fine.  Fine as fine can be.  Move along, there's nothing to see here.  Sure, I don't like to talk...and I wear a pretty serious face most (if not all) of the time...but I'm a good guy.  I try.  But when the darkness slips it's icy glove over my existence...and fills me with goosebumps and stiff joints and shaky legs...and my stomach gets twisted into soft knots...then I'm not fine.  

About as far from fine as can be.

doubt

Not a great feeling, coming to this sort of realization.  Like easing yourself into a cold bath.  Kind of makes your stomach feel woozy.  But it's all around me right now.  There is no escape.  Home brings with it other 'issues' and distractions. I'm a little jumpy at home right now.

I've got a stacked week schedule wise ahead of me, so hopefully sleep will take care of itself and I can keep the motor running for a long stretch.  I need it.  But I'll need to focus.  Stay consistent.

It has to start somewhere.

zzz

Drumming a strange beat.  Like my heart is pumping fast but the rest of me is sorta slow-motion.  The TV is loud and quiet at the same time.  I'm still buzzing from just getting off work...but then again, I wasn't really buzzing at work today at all.  Tired.  Tired.