Friday, July 31, 2009

not too late?

"My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come" ~ Jeff Buckley from 'Lover, You Should Have Come Over'

It's over. This last 'episode' is the final straw. The time has come to bury this mess once and for all. My heart can't take it anymore. I'll just have to do without and be done with it. I've made it this far on my own, so what's the rest of my life? For some reason I've never seen myself as an old man, so I can't see me still here at 50...and then it'll really be over. The few of you who read this will either a) chalk this up as another 'line that will be crossed' or b) see it as pathetic and sad that I'm 'giving up on all that life has to offer'.

Meh.

I've seen what life has to offer...I may not have looked under every rock, but I've turned over enough in my time to know that I should have found something by now. Not even a sniff. Oh sure...I've created some interesting situations with a combination of my imagination, some creative thinking and a trickle of pity (from them or me)...but in the end...zero. Could I have extended myself a little more? Tried a little harder? Cast a wider net? Sure...by why should I have to become someone I'm not comfortable being to find someone I want to be comfortable with? And I have reached out...don't tell me I haven't gone out on my share of limbs...only to have my hand slapped away time and again. My record doesn't lie.

Of course, there is that little voice (I can hear him right now) saying 'Oh, Neil...who are you trying to fool...you're lovesick heart will find someone else who'll make it perk up and start humming again...so stop your crying', but I'm good at shutting that stuff out if I really want to, its only because of a weak moment that I opened the door even a crack in the first place...because for quite a while, I was content being alone...so I want to shut the door and lock it up this time.

You tell yourself your not going to meet anyone...that your life is different. But you meet someone despite yourself. You convince yourself there's no chance...only to have hope slip in the crack in the door you 'accidently' left open. You know you're in trouble. Soon, the haze fades and it becomes all too clear that you're going to lose them...not that you even had them in the first place. And it hurts. Bad. But because your heart is open and raw, even though you don't want to, you meet someone else...she helps you forget. She makes you smile whenever she's around. But then you tell yourself 'it would never work.' And then she tells you 'it'll never work'. But it starts to work. Its in the way she looks at you. The way she talks to you. Her body is speaks a language that her lips avoid. But despite all this, one day, you lose her anyway because, well, you're a nice guy. Easy to talk to. All that crap. And no matter how 'amazing' or 'special' you are, there's someone else. There's always someone else. Someone who makes them feel the way you do about them. And that's it. And now your heart is really bruised and tender...and just wants to put in a box and left the fuck alone forever.

Welcome to my life.

'Its never over"

Thursday, July 30, 2009

to the brink

audience of one
one hour at a time
sleepwalking my nightmares away
is this really happening?



lost cat ~ not mine

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

what is it?

How can one day be so miserable, so dark and full of feelings of dread and doubt...and the next be so full of good cheer and positive thoughts? I had a terrible, sleepless night last night...and was forced awake early for work after maybe 3 good hours of sleep...and it was like everything was putting a smile on my face. Cute dogs. Cute babies. Nice people. Even the difficult ones didn't get to me. I made an effort right from the start, and it paid off nicely...but the same thoughts that would usually bring me down, weren't working like the usually do. I was seeing the bright side of life today.

So how come I can't do that everyday? How come some days, I carry around this weight with me that feels like its dragging me through ground? Its like a shadow I can't shake...making my life cold and dank...and then today its gone. Nothing changed...yet everything changed. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring...but I REALLY don't know...and that's what kills me the most. If I could somehow prepare, you know, get a little early warning or something...I'm sure I could manage a little better than I do.

But those days when waking up feels like breaking out of a cell, and facing the trials of the day makes you a little sick inside...and the doubt, and all those other feelings that aren't sitting well start mixing and churning away inside your brain...and this can go on for days...

I've had far too many of those kind of days the past few months...and not enough of the ones like today. I ain't asking for shit anymore, cause I never get what I want...but if there's something I can do to keep more of these coming my way, I'll do it. I'm eating leftovers tonight...might help?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

twit

Life.
Its not just me, I know.
But it seems that way sometimes.
Like this night is dark.

To be so close.
But who am I to complain?
So it hurts to feel the way I do?
All the time?

Too much?
Its not just me.
Its not just me, I know.
And then I remember how it's always felt.
And then I remember how it makes me not want to feel anymore.
I remember.
And then my brain starts thinking about how my brain is always thinking.
And then my brain starts thinking I'm not doing this right.

And then my brain starts thinking about putting my head through that wall.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

smile

"If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, and if this heavently, world-transfiguring drug were of such a kind that we could wake up next morning with a clear head and an undamaged constitution -- then, it seems to me, all our problems (and not merely the one small problem of discovering a novel pleasure) would be wholly solved and earth would become paradise." ~ Aldous Huxley


Dash Snow

Thursday, July 23, 2009

a sign


Dash Snow
I had just turned 15 when Kurt Cobain killed himself, and it became a defining moment in my life…consciously and unconsciously.

It took a long time to reconcile what it all meant. All those golden memories and dreams of childhood having black paint poured over them...so covered they didn’t feel like mine anymore…replaced with a numb void. It was all a bit too much I suppose...and slowly, I became a different person.

And so here I find myself…15 years later…having failed in my quest to fill that void...and its like I'm looking at a mirror catching a 15 year old reflection.
So what's next?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Dash Snow

I’m not an artist. Maybe on the inside...but to say I’ve accomplished anything of artistic value would be a lie. I do have dreams though. And ideas. But for now that’s all they are...

Now, as you might have guessed from the miniscule list of links on the right side of this page, I likes what I likes and don’t stray too far from that center point. I’ll poke my head out the car window to look, but ultimately I’m the guy who stays in the car when it comes to my comfort zone. New York Magazine is one of my favourite, if not my favourite, website. I get a taste of what its really like to live in the coolest city on Earth, without the dread I'd really feel if I actually lived there. The city is too much for me, and New York is THE city...so I wager it'd eat me for breakfast and shit me out by lunch! I get an American point of view that isn't CNN or USA Today (thank God), in the form (the written word) that I prefer, from a host of intelligent, critical thinking New Yorkers who really love their city. And they cover Art and Culture better than almost anywhere else.

Which is how I came to know Dash Snow. His story is pretty art cliché. And maybe he was just another manufactured, trust fund art phenom used to prop up the New York Art scene during a boring spell back in 2007. Hell, I wasn't even a fan of most of his 'stuff'...just a few pictures. But I always thought there was something there. When New York Magazine did a piece on him a couple of years ago, it was like 'how can this guy not turn into a star?' Sure it was a puff piece, and the people he was hanging around seemed like real slimeballs, but I took a liking to Dash anyway. I felt like I could relate in some strange, sad way to what this guy was doing, even though I knew virtually nothing about him…and from what I did know, we probably had little to nothing in common. Well, maybe we had a little in common...but he seemed like the kind of guy I wouldn't be friends with.

But despite all that, something clicked. Maybe he was living the life I always wanted to live but was too chicken to. Wild and crazy. Tons of bad drugs. No limits. I'm the chicken who gets half way across the road and then goes back. Again and again. He wasn't. Even if he was a rich kid. Maybe I just thought he was cool. He looked cool. Whatever it was, I stayed interested. Kept my eyes open for more Dash sightings. Kept coming back. I've posted a few of his polaroids on my blog in the time since that first article.

Then today I take a trip to NY Magazine after a crazy week on the homefront and see his name again. Dash Snow piece pulled from an exhibit. Interesting. I clicked the link and read on.

Died on Monday. 27. Heroin OD. Young Daughter. And so on...

And so it goes...


1981-2009

lines in the sand

I’m trying real hard. The time is now. For once I want it to be for real. I want to stay on track. I've got a plan and I'm sticking to it.

But I don’t believe. Not really.

Something will happen. It always does. I know I’ve got to think positive…to shove those negative thoughts right out of my head…but life is so cruel to me sometimes. What did I do?


And then my chest sinks in and my legs get thinner and my eyes drop to the ground.

Nothing, Nowhere, Never.


How do you put all that behind you?

to be?

"My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute." ~ Ayn Rand

Saturday, July 18, 2009

if it ain't got no swing

The mood swings have been vicious recently. 48 hours ago I was scraping my shins on the bottom…dark walls of just…well…it had felt like I had lost. Game over.

But I dragged my sorry ass into work, put on my best game face, and got through it. And then…mere minutes after the final whistle had gone, the funny games began. Sure, it ended up being all in my head…like I knew it was…like I always know…but I still didn’t believe. I was convinced of the opposite. Some cruel joke being played on me. Lies and deceit. All that jazz.

No…just me again, playing tricks.

But before I knew the truth, before my questions had been answered, I woke up on the right side of the bed this morning and put on that game face again, only this time, the smile was real. And it was coming from the inside too. Why…I have no idea. Resignation? Psychotic detachment? Did the funny games of the night before somehow prepare me, force me to bottom out so I could rise again? Or was I just having a good day...even I have those every once in a while!

No matter what was going on today...it was nice. I had a real spring in my step that, well, if it came from where I think it may have come from...I owe someone a big thanks!

It really is all about attitude.

And confidence…can’t forget about confidence.

Now that its over, and the sun is going down, I can feel the shadows calling once again.

Friday, July 17, 2009

the only one who thinks this way

I know I'm not...but...when it feels like it, it sucks me under...like I'm holding my breath. Recent events, with my best interests in mind probably, have pretty much left me knocked out...but still standing. I'm am totally at the mercy of the moment right now, and am liable to either snap, crackle or pop at any time...I am on edge.

And its only going to get worse...that's the thing. But in a good way...or at least, that's how I'm supposed to look at it, right? This is what responsibilty is all about...taking on more shit, while your shit keeps piling up in the corner...that's all there is to the messed up game. Cause when it comes to the good stuff...I don't even want to think about the good stuff anymore...I've got to learn to do without.

Seriously.

Life is suffering.
The root of suffering is desire.
Desire results in suffering.
If you don't want to suffer...don't desire.

That's me from now on.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

so I went bowling

game 1: 134 (won)
game 2: 145 (lost)
game 3: 126 (won)
game 4: 146 (won)

not that life's a competition or anything...


fork

I’m lost. Stuck at a fork in the road. Left or right? Or do I turn and go backwards…again?

Thank you for the words of encouragement and advice…its has helped. Something good will come from this, but it feels like I’m carrying around a vest of iron…and it weighs a ton. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. I’m looking for a way, but all I see is my reflection.

I’m running out of ideas.

But it was so close, I could feel it again...whatever it is…like the faint smell of bacon on a Sunday morning when you wake up…or that feeling you get when you know your opponents next move…those moments in life when its like you've reached a checkpoint...like passing GO in Monopoly...but it is real? Was it ever real? Or have I gotten so good at convincing myself this path is for me that I ignore all warning signs, no matter how in-your-face-loser obvious? How do I trust myself?

I’ve been slowly coming to grips with the fact that do have a love/hate relationship with myself for years. Its probably the reason for everything. Part of it isn’t me, but the part of it that is, I’ve been trying to identify and eliminate for…anyway, its taken a lot of work, but I’ve got them cornered, and things are getting ugly. You know what they say about a cornered animal…well, multiply that by about 10…and I’m fighting on more than one front…I guess we all are…but right now, I’m IN it. Neck deep.

I think I want to sit down.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

far between

"Those were good mornings, when the sun was hot and the air was quick and promising, when the Real Business seemed right on the verge of happening and I felt that If I went just a little faster I might overtake that bright and fleeting thing that was always just ahead of me."



from 'The Rum Diary' by Hunter S. Thompson

Saturday, July 04, 2009

up all night


photo by ~ not me

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

lucky ones


Happy Birthday Canada!