Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Animal Farm

“His answer to every problem, every setback was “I will work harder!” —which he had adopted as his personal motto.”

Sunday, October 27, 2013

open letter

Dear me,

So how are you holding up?  Heard about the unpleasantness and other assorted atrocities and thought I'd just check in.  So you finally got the confirmation that you'd been dreading, huh?  Finally had the official stamp put on your passport?  Honestly, you knew it was going to happen.  You hung on way too long, you know that, and there were probably a couple of cracks in the window you didn't climb through...but in the end, this is the way it was always going to go down.  

If I were you, I'd just bury yourself in work and other activities...maybe now you can start working out...join a gym or something?  What about all those books you keep saying your going to get to?  Not to mention that 'story' you've been working on for the last decade.  Maybe it's time you actually took some time to get that down on virtual paper?  Point is, this isn't the end of the world.  I know you loved this girl...and have for a long time...but she's kept you at arms length this long for a reason.  She's just not into you that way.  I'm sure you wouldn't let yourself get mixed up with a manipulative girl who just uses you and draws you in when it suits her, only to push you away when you get the 'wrong' idea.  I really don't think she's that type.  But the longer you keep punishing yourself by thinking about what could have been, or what should have been, the longer you'll be unhappy and stuck.  You need to move on bro.

As far as work goes, what's happening with that idea for a store you had?  Did the bank loan or grant come through?  You still working with those two dudes?  How's that going?  If you're still earning minimum wage after two years maybe you ought to think about speaking up?  You're 34 dude, you can't live off $10.25 the rest of your life.

Anyway, pick your sorry ass up off the mat, and get busy being the man you want to be.  You don't need a girl on your arm (or in your bed) to start crossing off some of those long term goals you've always had for yourself.  Trust me, put all this shit behind you, focus on what you enjoy doing and what makes you happy and you'll forget about all this nonsense in no time.  Just remember that it can't all be about work.  I know you, you'll push too hard and burn yourself out in quick time if you don't take a day here or there to recharge.  If you need to cut back at the store, do it.  Speak up.  You know damn well that they'll just keep feeding you through the meat grinder if you don't stand up for yourself.  You're a valuable commodity...a work horse...and they'll ride you till you fall over if you're not careful.  Hopefully things at the new gig are going well.  Did I hear you got promoted already?  If so, maybe that will make it easier to shift your focus...and better illuminate where your future bread will be buttered?

Chin up Bucko,

You

PS:  How are the folks doing?

Monday, October 21, 2013

code blue

Shut the main reactor down.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

e

I honestly don't know where I'm finding the will to keep going.  I'm on an endless treadmill of physical and mental exhaustion that only seems to be getting tougher every new day.  I wake up a little more tired, a little more weary each morning...and yet I push through the tired eyes and legs and soul.  Work is brutal right now.  My only saving grace is that I like my jobs and that I'm good at them.  That being said, today was my first day after my promotion at one of them, and the added pressure and responsibility was more than I imagined.  Nothing I can't handle long term...but in the now, the way I'm feeling..it's going to be a tough road for the next few weeks.  Lots to remember, lots more to do...I fear I may have bitten off a bit more than I can chew right now.  

And that's to say nothing about my emotion state and the daily torture I'm putting myself through there.  I promised you and myself that I'd stop talking about it...but that hasn't stopped the daily thoughts and imagined movie-like visions I've been having from torturing me further.  I've made promises I shouldn't have...and being a mad of my word...and a glutton for punishment...I'm now stuck.  Stuck playing the derided friend.  The afterthought.  Hearing her talk about him...constantly...makes it impossible not to imagine what's going on between the two of them.  It's fucking awful.  But I made this bed, and I've got to lie in it.  What her mother, who I've chatted with a few times, and her father must think of me...the spot I've carved out for myself...the way I instantly volunteer my time...I'm one step away from total embarrassment.  At this point, it has nothing to do with impressing her.  That part of the dance is over.  It was a long time ago, only I'm just getting the memo.  Now, it's a matter of loyalty...of not being a suck about it.  And yet here I am...a twisted ball of misery and nerves.  

Today was a hard day.  I don't understand how people work 7 days a week...2 or 3 jobs...out of necessity.  I'm getting a taste of it...a taste...and I'm ready to fall over.  How they do it day after day after day?  I'm guessing family gets them through.  Love.  Devotion.  The dream of a better life just around the corner.  Next month and then I can slow it down a bit.  Only there is no light at the end of that mine shaft, because we're facing the wrong way.  We're going down, not up.  Deeper.

More than anything, I want to make it through this to prove to myself I've got the guts, and the will to do it.  That I can tough it out where I might have quit before.  That I somehow deserve what I'm getting for years of taking the easy road.

I'm running on empty in more ways than one right now.  Let's see how far the needle goes?

Friday, October 18, 2013

question & answer

Question: Sorry to put this on you but I have an honest question about depression an suicide. Isn't it completely possible for it to be a alternative for someone. Can't there be someone out there who genuinely is tired and doesn't want to continue. I know there is beauty and wonderful things in this world. There are things to look forward to. There will be more pain but also more laughter. But what if I'm not interested?

Answer: well… well first off, i’d say, seek professional help immediately. because i am wildly unqualified to answer your question with anything but experience. and first off, my experience says, if you are in such a deep and dark place where you say things like this to total strangers on the internet, you need to be in contact with someone that can help you start to heal.

second, i’d say… you’re wrong. i’d say the things any of us don’t know, especially about tomorrow, could blanket every grain of sand on every beach of the world with bullshit. And to simply assume you are done tomorrow because you are done today is a mistake. a factual mistake, an error, a critical miscalculation.

i’d say, read Tad Friend’s piece JUMPERS in which he seeks and finds and talks to people that jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge — and lived. And they all say the same variations this: “I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable—except for having just jumped.”

And know that this piece has kept me in my seat on more than a couple dark nights.

And i’d say — i’d say i felt that way before too, and i was wrong.

And then i’d tell you something i don’t even think my wife knows. this happend years before we met — shit, more than a decade — and it’s not   the first time i came close to suicide was on a thanksgiving night. i’d eaten well and then as the house shut down i went into the bathroom, drew a bath as hot as i could manage to stand, and climbed into the tub with a razor  blade.

As i started to cut, as the corner touched my skin and that jolt of pain fired into my head, i stopped and thought — y’know, last chance. Are you SURE?

And i was tired. I sounded like you, that i knew there’d be ups again and downs but i was just so fucking TIRED i couldn’t stand the thought of having to get there. I felt this… this never-ending crush of days that were grey and tepid but for some reason i was supposed to greet each one with a smile. the constant pressure of having to keep my shit in all the time was just exhausting.

I wondered, then — well, is there anything you’re curious about. Anything you want to see play out. And i thought of a comic i was reading and i’d not figured out the end of the current storyline. And i realized I had curiosity. And that was the hook i’d hang my hat on. that by wanting to see how something played out I wasn’t really ready. That little sprout of a thing poking up through all that black earth kept me around a little longer.

I realized then that it had been so long since i’d laughed. I was numbed out and shut down and just… i missed laughing. maybe if i laughed a little i could get moving again. so i’d wait for my comic to conclude, try to find a few laughs, and then reevaluate.

So I’m in the bathtub and i got this real sharp-ass razor, right? And i look down and there’s all my bits floating in the water like they do and i thought okay, let’s get funny and i got to work.

I shaved off exactly half my pubic hair vertically. The end result was a ‘fro of pubes that looked like a Chia Pet that only half-worked. I started to laugh as I did it. And every time i’d piss, looking down made me laugh.

Because JESUS what a nightmare.

Shortly thereafter I got very heavily into Chuck Jones and Tex Avery. Way less chafing and way more funny.

jesus. i was still in high school at the time. dig if you will a picture of the chubby weirdo that was always giggling at his dick in the bathroom. that was me.

And then I guess I’d tell you about Dave, who did the same thing as me a few years later, only DIDN’T have my hilarious Chia Dick strategy in mind and got the razor in and up. And as he started to bleed out “Brown Eyed Girl” came on the radio and he realized he’d never get to hear that again so, in a bloody comedy of errors — I swear to god this is true — he got out of the tub, tried to get dressed the best he could, went downstairs calling for help only to find his family gone, went out to his car, and drove to doug’s house only to find doug not home and so, then, finally, he blacked out from blood loss sitting there in his car, playing a van morrison CD on repeat, until, by luck, Doug’s mom came home and found him.

Fucking Van Morrison, y’know?

A song, a comic, something dumb, something small. From that seed can come everything else, I swear to god.

I guess last I’d say… I’d say that, look — if you reached out to me for an answer, than I have to reach back out to you and insist you hear it.  Because it means, what, you know me? My work? You read my stuff and thought, well, fuck, if anyone would know why I shouldn’t end my life, if anyone alive is QUALIFIED TO SAVE ME it’s the guy that had britney spears punch a bear? okay — okay, then, so as THAT GUY I’m saying: Get help. Now, today, tonight, whenever — get to a phone and find a doctor that can try to help you heal, that can try to recolorize your world again, that can help you start caring again. All you need is that one tiny thing, that speck, that little grain of sand. the World Series, AVENGERS 2, Tina Fey’s new show, the first issue of PRETTY DEADLY, some slice of the world you’ve never seen, some drink you love, who the fuck will love your dog like you do if you’re gone, what if jabrams KILLS it on the new STAR WARS, the hell are you doing for Halloween, you ever feed a dolphin with your bare hand? because i have and I am fucking telling you IT IS A THING TO EXPERIENCE and oh god WHAT FUCKING FONT WILL STARBUCKS USE ON THE CHRISTMAS DRINK SLEEVES THIS YEAR — i don’t care what or how dumb but i promise you somewhere in your life is that one fleck of dust that can help start you on the road back. That’s all it takes. One fucking mote, drifting through your head.

And because you asked me I am answering you because i know, motherfucker, i know, i know, i know the hole you are fucking in because I was there myself and if you look hard you can still see my writing on those walls and if you stare long enough i swear to god it’s pointing to up 

{Courtesy of comic book writer Matt Fraction's blog http://mattfraction.com/}

Friday, October 11, 2013

no going back

That's it.

The turmoil and heartache has finally reached it's inevitable climax...signals have been read, insinuations delivered, and closure found.  The new boy won.  Not that I'm surprised, but the way it all went down...her using my own words that I used to describe how I feel about her to describe how she feels about him was the icing on the cake.  The final nail in my proverbial coffin.  Lately, he's all she's been talking about.  Thankfully, he seems to be trying to hold himself to the standard I've set and is now taking on all of the former duties I was generously volunteering for.  Between food and gas and miscellaneous I'll save a small fortune...not to mention the time commitment.  I'm sure I'll still be called upon when the new guy is unavailable for whatever reason...but my desire to be there for her no matter what has already faded considerably.  Yes, I'm bitter.  Yes, I'm jealous.  But it's not a white hot rage or a complete rejection of our friendship I'm feeling...more just a shrug of the shoulders and the words 'it is what it is' repeating over and over in my head.  I'll get over her.  Working together won't make it easy, but to be honest, I'm intrigued by the challenge.  We can be friends and colleague, but that special 'bond' that we shared...that I spent so much energy cultivating...is no longer my concern.  I'll treat her like everyone else.  No better, no worse.  We'll share a laugh, I'll engage her in conversations about the things she likes to discuss...but that bond that I've felt that's tied me to her needs to be broken, and I'm committed to doing it.  It's not spite, or anger...I'm doing it to save myself the pain I inflict on myself when I get shunted to the side.  The other person has their life to get on with, and all the power to her, but I've got mine too...and in order for me to pick up my broken heart and move on, this is what I need to do.

And it is broken.  Not as bad as it's been in the past...maybe because I've had time to see the train coming for a while...but that empty feeling I have isn't because I'm hungry.

Hopefully this is the last I write on the matter.  It may not be, but I'm feeling somewhat at peace with the severed chord dangling off my body...like it's about time I did it, and it'll only get better from here on out.

I do hope the new guy cares about her as much as I do, and treats her as well as I did.  If so, I really don't have anything to be upset with her about.  Attraction is a two way street, and unfortunately for me, she never saw what I saw.  It is what it is.