head down

Time just doesn't stop.  Three days off gone, just like that.  In the blink of an eye.  A meal here, a meal there...some time wasted here...and low and behold it's late and I've got things to do and places to be tomorrow.  It was nice while it lasted.

It wasn't the total unplug that I'd been looking for, but, what are you going to do?

Back to the grindstone.

thaw

I overreact.  I'm a man of massive ebbs and flows.  Highs and lows.  Drastic.  Sudden.  Rolling.

Can I find a way to actually practice what I preach to myself?  Finally?  A clearing of debts, a cleaning of closets.  Out with the old.  The past.  The was.

Was.

I worked hard today.  Had to be sharp.  Was.

It sucks how every day is the same, yet every day is different.  Everyday.  How can I be so stuck in the middle like that?

No more middle.

I want out.

settle down

Sadness.  That's what I feel.  That's what I felt on the ride home.  The second I saw her, I was smacked in the face.  I actually felt something else.  I didn't like the feeling, and what it meant...but it was different.  And at this point, I'll take different.

I don't like what she is turning into.  But it's her life, and who am I?  Just a friend.  It doesn't preclude me from being honest with her, but at this point, it's not my place.  And, quite frankly, this isn't too far out of her wheelhouse, not the giant leap I'd be more troubled by.  I'm looking out for her still, she's just outgrown me.

I had a very interesting conversation at work today with someone who seems to tip back and forth on my radar for people to take seriously, and people to ignore.  He's a man of strong opinion, and strong voice.  Religion and Capitalism were pretty much the main themes we touched on and danced around, but some stuff about solitude and finding one's own path towards enlightenment came up and hit close to home.  I haven't been able to have a whole lot of Faith based discussions with people lately, as I tend to want to avoid the kind of hysteria they sometimes generate, but I'm glad I was there to get the ball rolling on that one.  Sometimes a little outside perspective that jives with what you yourself are already following adds a little resolve.  If only for a minute.

One day at a time.

Whatever. 

spam

I made some mistakes tonight.  Nothing major, just a couple of little things.  It's kind of bugging me.  I'm a bit of a perfectionist.  I say a bit of one because if I was a perfectionist, I'd be very, very upset with myself.  Fifteen year hate more like it.  

I want to always try, but sometimes it really hurts.

I can honestly say that I don't care about things that I used to care about.  Some of my most intense passions and pastimes are now just things I glance at in passing.  Emotionally, I'm just not as invested, and I can't fake it.  Part of me is thinking that this is just a natural extension of growing up and growing older.  The innocence and curiousness of childhood and adolecence...and young adulthood...is being replaced by a knowing wisdom...and growing malaise.  I've probably talked about this before years ago, but I was told to stop dreaming a while back...a good 8-10 years...and it shocked me at the time, but really, it was sound advice.  Maybe not altogether, but eliminating the kind of reckless dreaming that I've been guilty of over the past decade sooner can only help some other poor schmuck who can't seem to get out of his own way before its too late.

"I am what I am.  Most motherfuckers don't give a damn."

There's still a part of me still fighting for her.  Tough S.O.B. just doesn't know when to give up.  It's only a matter of time now.

All things considered, I do alright, but I need to find more energy somewhere.  Better diet, better sleep, more exercise...I got to do it.  I still feel pretty healthy, but I'd be pretty stupid if I didn't at least start taking aging a bit more seriously now that I'm getting there.

Nothing to watch.  Not into anything right now.  I guess I could watch 'American Hustle'?

It's best not to look too far down the line...cause it's a scary sight.  I've had a couple of flashes and I didn't really like what I saw.  Nightmares is how I would describe them.  I guess I'm destined to take it one day at a time.

At this point, I think I'd be able to handle moving out into the woods and never speaking to another human being again.

I thought a woman was outside groaning in agony last night.  It was just a cat in heat.  Horrible sounds.

Took a chance for $40 today.  I'll let you know if it pays off.

It's amazing to me how divided I am between wanting everyone to like me, and not wanting to have to talk to anyone at all, ever.  Maybe I resent myself for putting myself in positions I don't want to be in because I want to make friends?  Really?

Batman is the best.

Is there any way to unplug?

good day

Yeah.

bad

Inside Llewyn Davis

I ended up putting putting this on last night after about 4 beers and was pleasantly surprised by how much I not only enjoyed the Coen's latest film, but how not depressing it was.  Don't get me wrong, it was still kind of a downer movie, and doesn't exactly end on a high note...but it wasn't the total bummer I was expecting it to be.  I'm no musician...I'm a struggling would-be-writer who has some of the same attachments to authenticity and honesty that Llewyn does in the film...and while his journey is certainly painful and heartbreaking, it's also kind of heroic and...well...real.  I've known people like Llewyn.  Part smug...part oblivious...part holier-than-thou...but at their core, they're just honest people trying to find their place.  They have something to share, something they're passionate about, but can't quite find the right stage and audience.  They connect with a few...but not enough...and invariably end up packing it in and taking a job with a marketing firm, or working for their Dad...occasionally reliving their brief moments of bliss with the few who remember and with whom they actually connected.  

I look forward to watching this film again soon.  There's something strangely affirming about it for me.  Not only that, but as a piece of film-making, it's pretty incredible.  How it was passed over when Academy Award Nominations were being handed out is beyond me.  Oscar Issac is absolutely brilliant...and the fact that he actually played and sang...stunning performance.  The brothers Coen deserved a writing and directing nod too...though who'd get bumped to make room for them I don't know.  The cinematography...set design...musical score/direction was also great.  

If anything, the Coen Brothers really do know how to make truly human films...even if they are a bit odd and slightly highbrow.  I highly recommend this film.

St. Patrick's Day

I'm waiting for some chicken nuggets to cook so I thought I'd jump on here and see what comes out.  I'm on my way to getting drunk and fed, alone, but happy.  I decided against going out with 'the group' tonight because, well, in my mind it was a lose-lose situation.  I had a strong feeling that I was merely being invited because of guilt, and a little bit of 'look at me'.  It might have been fun, and a part of me really wanted to turn the other cheek, be the bigger man, and show just how much I don't really care that I was obviously being used as a pawn in her game.  I had visions of sitting across a table from her and her boy, cuddling and kissing and making sweet faces...him with his arm around her waist...and as much as I wanted to go just so I could pretend like I didn't give a shit, I knew deep down that it was going to kill me to see that...and would result in a number of sleepless nights and angst and all that other shit that goes along with a broken heart.  

So I'm staying home.  I'm going to drink some beers, eat some chicken, watch a movie, and just try and not think about what could have been.  I had it all planned out just in case I went.  I was going to be the consumate 'too cool for this shit' guy...I was going to pretend like it didn't bother me in the least...I was going to avoid eye contact and talk to everyone there but her and him...but deep down I knew that the fallout from an evening out with them was going to have a serious ripple effect on my continuted progress...so I decided to pull the 'I'm good, have fun' card and just avoid the whole situation.  Let's be honest, St. Patrick's Day is one of the busiest drinking days of the year...so my gut told me that it was going to be a packed bar...we were going to have to wait for a table (if we even got in) and it was going to be full of drunk (or on their way to being drunk) people, all preening and showing off and being loud...and frankly, I just don't dig that kind of scene.  It would have been cool to have a night out with some work colleagues, and the chance to get to know a couple of them outside of work was intriguing and made me curious...but in the end, just the idea of having to watch the two of them 'be a couple' together just fucked with my head too much.  I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it...and what to do...but I decided that I'd see how I felt when I woke up and if I was up for it, I'd go and kick this nights ass like a someone who didn't give a shit.

But I do give a shit.

Does that make me a coward?  Maybe.  But I think not going ends up being my best play.  I don't end up looking like the jilted lover, cause there was a distinct possibility that that was going to happen...I don't end up leaving early because I can feel myself being the wet blanket/fifth wheel of the group...I don't have to worry about having too much to drink and how the hell I'm going to get home...I can just sit back, enjoy a 6 pack and some tasty nuggets in the comfort of my own apartment, and hear about it all next time I'm working.  Or not.  Honestly, I'd be just fine if nobody speaks of this night to me and I continue creating more and more distance between us to the point where she's just another work colleague and her private/social life is just that...hers.

Don't get me wrong...there's a tinge of sadness because, well, this is me totally giving up and there's a piece of me that really doesn't want to...but the writing is on the wall...I'm on the outside looking in, and tonight would have only re-inforced that.  Sure, I may have had a good time, a few laughs, and impressed with my maturity and charm...but I'm still not ready for all that yet...so avoidance is the best course of action in this case.  Will there be other times?  Maybe.  Do I care?  Not really.  The more I think about it, August can't come soon enough.  She'll be long gone, starting her new life on the other side of the country...I won't have to see her anymore...and I can find my new comfort zone and reality and embrace it and live it.  

At the end of the day, I know I'm still not over her...and it may be a long, long, long time before I can honestly say that I am...but I'm getting there.  I really am.  The pull isn't as strong.  The longing not as powerful.  The memories and feelings are fading.  It's equal parts encouraging and terribly sad.  Kind of like my life right now.

feedback

"Looking back through the chapters of your life searching for a storyline."

I don't listen to as much music as I used to.  Before I became a film fanatic, way back when, I devoured music like a hungry boa constrictor.  All hours of the day, before school, during school, after school, late at night...whenever.  MuchMusic was it as far as TV.  I used to scurry on home and push a tape into the VCR and sit there with my hand on rec/play/pause and put together mix tapes...ready and willing to listen to the same song over and over again.  Dudes with long hair and guitars and ripped and frayed clothes.  It was the soundtrack of my youth, and to this day when I hear certain songs I am transported to a time and place and mindset that I can't get to otherwise.

Crunchy, noisy guitars...lots of feedback...loud, crashing drums...thick, bouncy bass lines...anger, frustration, melody, screaming bloody fucking murder.  Teenage angst never felt so good.  It was like opening up a valve in my chest and letting it all pour in and out of me like black, syrupy water.  We here in Canada were doubly blessed that we not only got the best from America, but we had tons and tons of great homegrown bands.  Sloan, rusty, Transistor Sound & Lighting Co., Limblifter, Headstones, Thrush Hermit, Matt Mays, Hayden, Treble Charger, The Watchmen, The Tragically Hip, The Tea Party, Big Wreck...and all those smaller bands that had one or two really kick ass songs that put them at or near the top of the mountain for a minute.  That's not to mention bands like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Weezer, Stone Temple Pilots, Smashing Pumpkins, Beck, Rage Against the Machine, Radiohead, Sonic Youth, Blind Melon, Tripping Daisy...among others. There was just so much good music.  Granted, I'm biased towards early/mid 90's stuff...and maybe I just remember it differently...but man were we spoiled.

I was surfing around the internet a few nights ago and stumbled upon a video for Tinfoil by Limblifter.  A few hours later, I had rolled through about 20 different now 'classic' videos...and man didn't I feel 14 again for a brief, wonderful moment.

There have been a few bands since then...The White Stripes spring to mind...but really, after I left school in '02, and found myself in the rap game full time, I lost touch with the music fanatic that was the teenage me.  I still turn to those bands and songs when I need a lift.

Today was a good day.  I woke up feeling like shit...super tired from restless night and about 6 hours of sleep.  The water pressure was gone thanks to some water pipe work going outside, I got an unwanted text from her asking for a midnight ride home, there was no food to be found in the fridge and I was already late for work.  It was looking bleak.  But I rolled into work, grabbed some yummy beef patties on the way, and despite a hectic, busy day at the office, I found myself gaining not losing energy as the day went on.  The place was buzzing with activity, and I was at the top of my game...or something close to it...and that midnight ride turned into a 10pm one.  Things fell into place, I was able to get out on time, and got there in time to pick her up.  She was full of a wicked cold and it was radiating off her like germ warfare, but for whatever reason the vibe in the car was buoyant and we had a good conversation about work and kids sneaking into R rated movies.  I dropped her off, but not before she invited me out to a St. Patrick's Day pub crawl with her and her boy and a bunch of work colleagues which surprisingly didn't strike me as a terrible idea.  I might even go and have a beer or three.

And now I'm sitting here listening to some old tunes, filling my ears with beautiful noise and feeling alright.

I'm going to try and ride this wave until it breaks.

space

I don't really understand how I'm feeling right now.  Today was exhausting.  We got pummeled by a late winter storm that completely turned the city upside down from how it looked and felt just 24 hours ago.  I was at work at 9 am, which might not sound all that terrible for all your normal working stiffs, but for someone who consistently works until 1 or 2 am, and doesn't get to sleep before 4 (if I'm lucky), getting up at quarter to 8 and having to be on the ball for 9 hours was a bit of a challenge.  I made it through alright...though I was definitely flagging by mid afternoon.  But of course, instead of easing myself into a relaxing evening and turning in at a reasonable hour, I'm sitting here at 3 in the morning and can feel myself in for another long night.  

Not so much because I've got things on my mind...my mind is actually mush right now, and I'm not thinking a whole lot...but something is keeping me up.  I just wish I could put my finger on it.

I think the whole crashing wave scenario has passed...and now I'm floating face down in the water trying to find the surface.  The worst feels like it's passed...but not having a plan, a way forward is...unsettling.

After finally watching the final episode of the fantastic HBO show True Detective last night, I feel an even greater kinship with the character of Rust Cohle...his journey from dark to light.  We don't share a lot...but there's something deep inside me that I'm wresting with that I witnessed in this fictional character that is haunting me right now.  The fact that I actually kind of look like Rust, long hair and all, is a funny, if eerie coincidence.  Things just have a way of speaking to me when I need or want them to...and this show, this character, and his journey spoke to me in a way that I haven't felt in a long, long time.  It easily now ranks right up there with The Wire as one of my all-time favourite television shows ever...yet I'm almost happy it was only 8 episodes.  It's like it would have been too much if we got any more...or had to wait for another season.  The journey was incredible, but I'm glad and content that it's over.  

I don't know how else to explain it.  But I look at the picture below and I see me.  Fucking scary sight it is.  A man lost, tired, haunted...alone.  I don't feel like I'm at the end of my rope...I don't feel like I'm quite ready to tie anything off...but I do feel like I'm at a critical juncture...and I have no clue which way I'm going to turn.  What are my options...really?  Where do I go from here?  How do I 'move on'?  All questions I've asked myself a thousand times before...each time as dead serious as the the time before...but this time...I feel older...wiser...but more beat up and defeated too.  Do I have the strength to deal with whatever reality is around the corner?  Can I keep this up?  

I'm trying my best to just engulf myself in work and other distractions...but I have no long term plan...and any time I do start to have the slightest thought of the long term...and what might possibly be on the horizon...I get scared.  I should be excited...at the very least, it's another new beginning.  But it doesn't really feel like it.  It doesn't quite feel like the end either.  

Maybe this is limbo?

case closed

"It's hard find something in a man who rejects people as much as you do." ~ Marty Hart (True Detective)

Fresh eyes.  Fresh heart.  I had a dream last night after I was finally able to go to sleep that was directly related to my last post.  Seems like my unconscious...my subconscious...whatever...was trying to tell me something about the way I'm feeling about her.  

Basically, I was told I'm wrong.  Wrong to think the way I do.  Wrong to feel the way I do.  That I'm no better.  That, in a way, I brought this all on myself.  That this is the way it's supposed to be.  It was a bitter pill to wake up to...to have that thrust in my face...but it made sense.  Sort of how when a friend is blunt and tells you the truth, no matter how harsh, or how hurt you'll be.

I have to let go.  All I'm doing is swimming around in circles in murky, polluted water.  I'm making myself sick.  It's unhealthy, it's sad, and it's not who I really want to be.  Is this the closure I've been seeking?  Maybe...but probably not.  But it's something.  It's a sign.  It's honest.  

At the end of the day, I'm not a people person.  I've got a long way to go if I ever want to find the kind of connection I'm so desperate to make.  The more and more it sinks in, this life, the more I'm beginning to realize that maybe I'm just meant for a different path.  That mine is a solo journey.  That I'm not meant to walk with someone else.  It goes against what my heart wants...what my soul wants...but deep down inside I think I'm much better off if I just throw in the towel on trying to connect and instead try to find that feeling elsewhere...on my own.  It's tough though...to stare out into the void and know that it's always going to be this way...or at least, it needs to be for the time being.  I need to stop caring.  I need to stop trying to attach myself to other people's stories.  I'm writing my own story...and it doesn't include anybody else.  

Just me.

She served her purpose.  She was a great friend...taught me a lot about myself and how much I still need to grow and do and change...but it's time to turn the page and go another way.  I'm sure some of the strings will be hard to cut...I know she'll try to 'stay friends'...and will probably bristle at any talk of keeping our distance...but the way things are going lately, I have a feeling she knows it too.  It's why our connection is so strong.  She's one of the few people ever to really hears me...whose ever really known me.  She doesn't know the whole me...but she knows a big fucking chunk.  It's going to be hard to let that go...knowing full well that it's taken over 20 years for me to find someone like her...and for someone to find something real in me...but if it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be.  Not in that way anyway.

And so I'm going to let go.  Hopefully for good.  If we stay friends, over the long haul, great.  If not...it won't be something I haven't dealt with before.

her

This whole not being able to sleep thing kinda sucks.  I bust my ass at work...check that...I drag my tired ass out of bed after who knows how many hours of sleep to go to work, where I bust ass, trying to be everything I'm expected to be...push myself to my limits...only to come home and find myself staring at the ceiling thinking about everything.

I am starting to feel the grip that she had on my heart slipping...which is a relief as much as it pains me to let her go...let it go.  It's hard to admit defeat and give up...watch someone who you've cared about for so long ride off into the sunset without you.  I'm not entirely sure everything is going to work out OK for her...if I'm being entirely honest, I've seen this story before...and it ends in tears and lots of 'what was I thinking'...but that's love.  It really fucks you up.  It grabs the wheel and jerks you in a totally different direction than you were planning or had ever seen yourself traveling in.  Sometimes it's for good...sometimes, you end up way off course and then find yourself floating in an ocean of doubt and regret.  If I'm still being honest, part of me wants this to be the case...the jealous, vindictive side of me that only wants her to be happy if its with me...to have her learn a lesson about the reality of relationships and pouring too much of yourself into one person.  She's hitched her wagon to her guy so completely over the past few months its kind of scary as much as it's sweet.  There is a part of me that's happy for her...but I'm not sure it's the biggest part of me.  I don't want to be someone who wishes disappointment on someone who's been so close to me, so integral to who I am now...and I think that's where a lot of the tug-of-war that's going on inside me comes from.  I'm torn.  I want her to be happy...I just wanted it to be with me.  I also fear she's going to compromise what she's wanted, or said she's wanted over the past couple of years to be what she thinks she needs to be to be with him.  That upsets me.  I don't dislike the guy...but there's something I don't like about him either.  I'm sure there is a lot of bias that's informing that opinion...another something that bothers me and causes me internal grief...but I've got a pretty solid track record when it comes to reading people, and my first instinct when I met him was 'hmmmmm'.  Nice guy, clearly talented and artistic...but there was an air of phoniness about him that shot out right away.  I doubt I could spend much time with him without rolling my eyes a few times and having to remove myself from his presence.  It's part of the reason why I've distanced myself from her lately.  Part of it, as I've said before, is out of self preservation...but part of it is not wanting to have her read my dislike for him.  Dislike is probably too strong a word, I've only met him briefly, and probably said about 10 words to him...but nevertheless, I read people very well, and quite often my first instincts are correct.  Scarily so sometimes.  Am I convinced I'm right about him...and her...and them?  No...but if I'm proven right I won't be surprised.

So where does this leave me...right now?  I'm not sure.  However I have, as is often the case, attempting to amplify in my minds eye things about her that I'm not attracted to.  Essentially I'm trying to find reasons why things are better off this way.  Her immaturity.  Her quiet addiction to being the center of attention...or at least near the center of the groups attention...how she can be fake sometimes...but this is all a bunch of bullshit.  I'm fixating on tiny, insignificant things that only a few months ago I found adorable or admirable.  I'm just looking for a reason, any reason, to be OK with not being with her.

Yes, it's pathetic.  But it's how I'm coping...and really, it's my only real option right now.  Maybe if I was a bigger man...a better person I could remain her friend, be happy for the time we did get to spend together, and wish her well as she and him continue their blessed romance...but I'm not quite there yet.  I'm close...but then the sleepless nights, and constant favours and bending over backwards to help her and attempting to fake being interested in the shit that she's interested in or chooses to share with me and finding myself actually interested...it's like she's cast a spell on me...that she's got me on strings and knows just which ones to tug at to get me to dance...all of it adds up to an even greater belief that she probably is the one...and I missed my shot...if I even had a shot...which I'm not really sure I had in the first place.

My gut tells me I did...somewhere along the way...and I missed my chance...and that all this is her unconscious way of payback...rubbing it in my face...showing me what could have been.  But then again, it could all just be in my head...a story I'm telling myself.  A work of fiction that I'm writing in order to rationalize the way I'm feeling and the way she makes me feel.

I said I'd stop talking about her.  But I can't stop thinking about her...and there's nobody I can talk to about this...so this is my dumping ground.

Her.  Work.  Life.  It's all a bit too much at the moment...

wake me

It used to be kinda fun but now it is not.
I used to once have the world but now I do not.
I know I said I would leave but I'm still here today.
I've got some plans that you might just still want to change.

But I'm so tired.
I'm so tired.

~ 'Wake Me' by rusty

pull my guff

I've been a bit under the weather lately.  Stomach has been acting up.  I'm sure the even later hours at work, the stress of trying to learn all my new responsibilities, and my terrible sleeping patterns are all responsible.  However, I also think that perhaps I've developed a new food allergy...or the severity of a yet-to-be-diagnosed allergy has increased...cause at this point, pretty much everything I eat is twisting and churning my stomach up.  I actually went a whole day without eating simply so I wouldn't feel like my gut was ready to explode.  And of course, sleeping on an empty stomach is next to impossible for me, so I find myself trying desperately to get something in me before I attempt to fall asleep...which only serves to get things churning away again.  I did not sleep at all last night...and tonight, I can already feel the restless energy and the looming crazy weekend of work getting my anxiety bubbling.  

Not good.

I guess the only real silver lining is that in all the fits of agony and trips to the bathroom...I haven't had a whole lot of energy to think about all the shit going on that usually keeps me up at night.  Progress?  Probably not.  

Man, I'm tired.  I wish someone or something would just reach inside me and yank out the bile that's flooding me right now...like when you pull a giant, wet stringy booger out of your nose slowly and it just keeps going...like a locomotive of mucus.

True Detective