do over

So this year hasn't exactly started off the way I had envisioned when the clock struck midnight on January 1st.  I know, I know, it's kind of lame and sad to use the turning of the calendar as a pseudo self help line-in-the-sand...because really, its just another day.  The fact that it's 2014 and not 2013 anymore isn't going to magically cause all (or most) of my problems to dissolve or disappear.  But when you struggle as I have, you look for any sort of light at the end of the tunnel as a starting point to something better.  Suffice to say, January has been a really, really tough month mentally, emotionally and physically.  All three are intertwined, feeding the negativity beast that rumbles inside...and it's left me exhausted and searching for answers to questions I can't possibly answer.

All I can do is do.

So this year, I'm embracing Chinese New Year and drawing yet another line beneath everything that has come before...and I'm going to try again.

Pathetic?  Kinda.  Necessary?  Yup.  At this point in the story, I'm on my own.  I've got nobody to turn to, nobody to lean on, and nobody to blame but myself.  It's on me.  I know this to be true because when I am able to string together a few positive days in a row, it's amazing how insignificant and small the 'problems' are.  The same problems and troubles and issues that, as of yesterday, had me not sleeping, not eating, and basically hating life itself.  My life in particular.  Hate.

But looking at it through the prism tilted at a different angle, my life isn't so bad.  My money troubles, while still clear and present, are not as dire as they were this time last year.  I'm not sinking under the weight of my debt anymore, and there is hope I'll dig myself out of this mess in the next couple of years.  My love life, or lack thereof, is still a sharp point of agony...it's just so damn hard to let go of someone you really, truly love and want to be with...but I see and know the damage this sort of pining can do, and has done.  Gradually, I'm getting over it.  They may be baby size steps I'm taking towards acceptance and understanding, but I am trying...and I can see (and feel) the pain and hurt isn't knife to the gut, heart and head it has been the past few months.  I will get over it eventually, and as unfortunate as it is that I'll never know what could have been, I do know I'm a better person, and a better man for having known her and had the relationship I've had with her these past few years.  Nobody can take that away.  Sure, the hole in my life is large now that she's all but gone...and I have no fucking clue how I'll fill that hole...but I'm guessing time, other interests and distractions, work and something new will eventually, slowly start patching it up.

The biggest battle, of course, is the one I'll be fighting with that man in the mirror.  The everyday battle between the man I am and the man I wish I was looking at.  I still don't really know who that man is exactly...what it is that will make me happy...but I know it's going to take work, dedication, and a truckload of will power.  I've become wired in such a way that the negative always gets to speak first...followed by a muted, somewhat haphazard rebuttal from the positive me.  He spends a lot of time talking about and to other people, propping them up, but when it comes time to battle my negative self, The Champ, he constantly finds himself down for the count.  Sometimes he hangs in there for a few days, wins a few rounds, but in the end, that mean old Champ packs one heck of a punch and eventually wears the challenger down.

I'm gearing up then, for one more title shot.  I'm going to train, eat my vitamins, and refuse to let those doubting voices in my head poison this opportunity.  Not this time.  I'm not going to put my faith in someone else helping me out, or coming to my rescue.  It's me versus it.  One on one.  He may be bigger than me, and stronger than me, with one heck of win/loss record against all comers...but he's also lazy, and predictable...and ugly too.  Man is he ugly.

And so it begins.

I can win. I can win. I will win.

Raoul Duke

second hand

What a week.  No rest for the wicked.  One job to the next.  All while trying to keep my mind off my troubles.  But my mind never really does what I want it to do.  It flashes images in front of my eyeballs...memories...imagined or real...and then it's off to the races.  Down the rabbit hole.

Some days I'm hopeful.  Some days it actually does feel as if I could manage if this was it.  Put this here, that there, and set the alarm clock to go off each day and I could fall into routine.  Eat, sleep, work.

Then there are the other days where I stare blankly in the mirror desperately asking what's the point?

I have no idea where I'm going.  No idea what the future holds.  No clue as to the path I want to, or should take.  Nothing but questions and doubts.  It feels like I'm just wasting time.

high jackal

And so it begins.  Meandering writings and thoughts, somehow thought to be of some use down the line. Like a reference guide to my misery.  Are we going to start at the beginning, or are we going to jump right into the present…where the hurt is palpable and fresh?  A throbbing wound of heartbreak the likes of which gets minced and regurgitated in the movies?  Everything that is happening right now is very real.  Like a sledgehammer to my existence, I've been shattered.  My reality is all too real.  All too raw and in my face.  Like a wet slap.  Wow.

I’ll get to the point eventually.  Right now, I need to find my words…my vocabulary.  It’s how I’m ultimately going to present this bitter, unbelievable story.  Right now, right now, it’s all just a buzz of words and feelings and emotions coursing through my body and brain like a high-speed train on speed.  I am, without a doubt, completely without compass.  I am a floating chunk of mass in the ever-present nothing. Cavernous voids swallow me up with nary a sound.  Whole.

I will plant my flag in the sand one last time, and attempt to claim this land as my own. To stake my existence up against that of the stranger and marvel them with tales of lost love, disappointment and fear.  One mustn't forget the fear.  Even the air is stale and un-refreshing in this place. 

I will soak up the memories and mistakes…pour it all out over my psyche and attempt to craft a worthy monument to post teenage angst and helplessness.  Of a man who never was, and a girl who never was.  Of how two lives can dance so close together and yet never truly cross paths.  So fucking close together.  The smell.  The indescribable tension and softness that filled the air.  How the sun shined brighter, crisper.  Her voice.  Her laugh.  The real one.  Oh God, I don’t want to remember this.    

weight

What it feels like to get run over by multiple automobiles.  Bruised, battered, dazed, so sore I can't even sleep.  Emotionally fucked.  Not in the good way.  Not in a good way.

It's like there are a crew of little devils carving out my insides from the inside out.  Ripping away piece by piece, and I can feel every tear at my being taking with it a little more life each time.  Shallow breaths.  Uncontrollable tears glassing over my eyesight without warning.  A cold, hard stare at everything I see.  Numb and dumb.  Lost and alone.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Got to start somewhere I suppose...but I've been fooling myself all along.  I'm not getting up from this.

numb and awake

Yeah, things aren't going so good.  In a really bad headspace right now and it doesn't feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  This is going to be a while.

My motivation, work ethic, and all around attitude are all quite low right now, and I honestly need to snap out of it.  The work is what it is.  Shit happens.  I need to learn how to deal with the negatives that get thrown our way everyday without letting them destroy me.  Destroy me.

Destroy me.

I honestly don't know who I am right now.

the well

Not off to a good start.  I've got about a week to try and figure everything out before this window closes and probably doesn't open up again for a while.  But do I want it?  Right now?  Am I ready?  Probably...but then again, there are some things I'm still not ready for, so why can't that be one?  

Today was a daze.  Hopefully tomorrow isn't anything out of the ordinary, and I can just put in my time, keep my head down for the most part, and come home at a decent time.  Try and get myself on a new rhythm.  

But it's difficult to focus on any one thing for a solid stretch of time without getting distracted.  Overcome.  It sucks.  

All I can do is to keep trying to put it all behind me and look ahead.