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Sometimes it hurts to have heroes.  It's still worth it though.

I've been feeling down and out for a while now.  Longer than usual.  Often I can trace the root of the malaise and direct my energy to canceling out whatever signals it is sending out.  I realize whatever it is isn't the end of the world, or isn't totally and utterly debilitating like the clouds would have me believe.  But sometimes it is out of nowhere and completely unspoken for.  Like a dark, dark storm that suddenly manifests itself right above my head in what seems like an instant...and just sits there...no noise, no thunder and lightening and brutal gusts of wind...just black, black sky and quiet.  The fact that the weather the past couple of days can be described as gorgeous has had zero effect on these clouds overhead.  In a way, it has only intensified their ominous place in my everyday.  

News of the death of a hero awaited me this morning as I woke...a someone who actually meant something to me at one point in my life...and all I could think about was that I completely understood.  I wasn't sad, or angry...I wasn't happy either, lets not confuse this...but I was 100% at peace with the end result.  What the fuck is worth sticking around for, if all you know inside is torture and torment?  Some people are magicians at hiding their pain, or redirecting it in a way that is received positively.  But that doesn't mean the pain they carry, the dark clouds following them, that they aren't any more real or ominous.  I'm not even going to begin to attempt to know what was going on...but I do understand.  It hurts a lot of people left behind, and that's where most of the anger and disdain comes from, but ultimately you just can't know the whole story of what's going on with someone, even when that someone is yourself.

I have no idea what's going on with me, really.  Either I'm close to attaining some sort of detached enlightenment, or I'm dangerously close to the edge of infinity.  As much as I'm feeling the pull of change, I'm also weary that routine and comfort is all I really have left holding me here.

Now is not the time to start fucking around.

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