Wednesday, November 25, 2009

with balloons

Friday, November 20, 2009

resolve (?)

I don’t know what to think about anything anymore. Its all a game. A messed up game. I’m convinced this is all some cosmic joke. That after I die, they’ll play back the tape like some sort of America’s Most Painfully Funny Videos and I’ll be expected to laugh. Laugh at my misfortune. Laugh at the indignity of my inner self towards myself. Laugh at how close it all was to being so very different.

And why wasn’t it? Me. I did that.

But isn’t that the way its supposed to be? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Take control of our lives for ourselves…create our own destiny? Only mine ended up with my walking down a dark alley for 15 years before coming to a dead end. Now I’ve got to turn back? Are you kidding me? But I knew it all along. Of course I did.

And so I will have to settle. For this.

Monday, November 16, 2009

death and trees

Monday, November 09, 2009

pull this car over

Sunday, November 08, 2009

inside out

Uneventful 5 days. Sort of how I wanted it to be, sort of how I expected it to be. But still…

All this has really done is give me some extended time to myself…and I haven’t really done anything with it. Again…that was the point, and I did need it…but, I don’t know, I was kinda hoping that I’d grab the reins a little bit and…but that is so not me…and getting all depressed and upset over money issues and using that as an excuse to ‘cut back’ and not really do anything interesting or exciting is me…so why am I here then? Sitting here documenting it? How embarrassing, right?

Trying to put it behind me I guess? Tomorrow is my last day off, but I figured I’d get a head start…you know, give myself a day to run some practice drills and do a walkthrough…before I head back to work and crank the ol’ effort meter back up to 100% after a rough couple of weeks. Its never that I don’t care…even when I say I don’t…because I do, and always will…its just that sometimes it feels like just when you’ve got something under control, under your thumb…another new problem/obstacle/idiot jumps in your way…and you’re back at square one...its hard to not let that get to you. I let it get to me. Life is square one every single day it seems. But really it isn’t, because there’s baggage. Sometimes it hits you as soon as you open your eyes, sometimes not until you're on your way to work, and sometimes you may string one or two really good days together where you almost forget…almost…before there’s another leak in the wall…and your feel like your scrambling again. Always scrambling.


Its that part I don't like. I don’t like scrambling. But I know I’ll never have control...or, I'm understanding that fact a little better at least. Control is impossible. So I need to lower my expectations, and my target, and actually shoot for something that’s attainable. If I look like I'm in control, that's half the battle sometimes. I need to stop sticking my neck out so far...and just join the mob already and fight for my piece of the carcass. I need to do this…but will I? Can I?

I honestly don't know...

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

six days to change my mind

For the first time in my working life, I will be taking a brief, paid, vacation to the sunny shores of my couch. Its my couch because the brakes on my car, that were apparently fine in March, required $urgery, completely wiping out the money that I had saved in order to ‘treat myself’ and have a good time. All of it. And then some. Months of denying myself to put a dent into the credit card bills…and I’m faced with this calamity just as I’m about to embark on what was supposed to be an easy going, no stress 6 days.

I want to meet whoever it is that’s in charge with doling out these kinds of things, cause I want to ask him/her/it what it is I’m doing, and how I can stop doing it so that I stop being picked on. I know everyone feels picked on…nobody gets what they really want…but fuck me?!?!

I’m still going to have a good 6 day break. I’m going to go out and take some pictures. I may take the train into the city and have ‘lunch’. I’m going to rearrange my apartment, sleep in late, and cook at least one fantastic meal. I’m going to wake-and-bake for the first time in…a while…I’m going to go home and play snooker with my father…and I’m going to go for a run. A long one.

But most importantly, these 6 days are about forgetting…about distance…about looking deep inside, making a choice and pouring a coat of resolve all over it. I’ve been miserable for over a month now…real fucking pain…confusion…resentment…frustration…and for the first time in a long time, the faint hint of hopelessness. Normally I’d shake off those feelings with a vigorous ‘smarten up’…but these days I’ve been soaking in it a little too much…wallowing in the mire so to speak…lingering…probably because I’m just so tired, and curious, to see if it still feels the same. It does…only a little worse cause I’m older. Sort of like how hangovers pack that extra weight into their punch when you get into your late 20’s. The gravity of everything is so much more…how the fuck do you not take life so seriously? I mean, I do need to lighten up...but at this point, what's funny? It’s a fucking disaster zone everywhere you look…controlled chaos. The world is fucked up…seriously…it really, really is. And the people in it... But yet things keep on going. How? How is this not catching up to us? Or has it?

This is what I’m trying to forget. I don’t want to care anymore. Any of it. I want to turn it off.

So I’m going inside.