reality check

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain." ~ Jim Morrison

People Who Make Me Sick

I mean, seriously, just look at her! So proud of herself...soaking in all that adulation like the diva that she (thinks she) is. There’s just something about this woman that really rubs me the wrong way. She’s not attractive (apparently her butt is though...), she’s not a good singer, performer or actor…and everything I’ve read about her points to her being an out of control pain in the ass when it comes to the demands she makes when she’s on tour or on a movie set. She’s a megalomaniac of the highest order, a bad example for girls everywhere, and a prime example of what is wrong with ‘the arts’ (if you call what she does artistic) today.

I really don’t like to get wrapped up in the Hollywood gossip machine, it actually bores me to death how magazines like US and People write about absolute nonsense (who's dating who, break ups, drug busts etc.) and people eat it up instead of paying more attention to the dude sitting in the Oval Office who has, in 8 short years, single-handedly steered his country into a giant brick wall while he and his oil buddies get stinking rich...but I like movies and music, so I invariably cross paths with this psycho hose beast from time to time. And every time I see this woman on TV or in the newspapers…or in a picture like this...my soul vomits just a little.

I don’t wish ill on anyone…but this woman’s career needed to be over 5 years ago!

As for this one...

Don't even get me started...

Keep On Rockin' In The Free World!

Top 5 Canadian Album’s Of All Time

1. ‘Harvest’ ~ Neil Young
2. ‘Blue’ ~ Joni Mitchell
3. “After the Gold Rush’ ~ Neil Young
4. ‘Music From Big Pink’ ~ The Band
5. ‘Fully Completely’ ~ The Tragically Hip

Author and music lover Bob Mersereau polled nearly 600 musicians, critics, DJs and retailers to come up with a ranking of Canada’s best-loved discs for his book, "The Top 100 Canadian Albums. (article here) I’ve been a Neil Young fan for a while, though my taste for his music has gotten a lot stronger in the past 5 years, so its nice to see him get the top spot. I’m also a big fan of The Band (The Last Waltz is perhaps the best music/concert DVD of all time IMO), so seeing them up here is cool. I like Joni Mitchel…but I haven’t quite developed a refined enough appreciation for her music…and while I respect and like the Tragically Hip, unlike many of my Canadian brothers and sisters, I think they’re a bit overrated (though ‘Ahead By A Century' and 'Nautical Disaster' are both fantastic songs).

Of note, Neil Young made the list 8 times, Mitchell, the Guess Who and Gordon Lightfoot made the list 5 times each, the Hip 4 and 90’s rockers Sloan 3 times (which I think is fair, I think Sloan are often overlooked and underrated when it comes to good Canadian Bands). I wonder if Transistor Sound and Lighting Co. managed to make the top 100? Is there anyone you'd like to see on the list?

road work ahead

Why do they always decide to ‘fix’ roads that don’t need fixing when there are plenty of roads in the city that are in desperate need of work? I ask this because I was driving down a long stretch of road in the middle of nowhere north of the city that leads to my parent’s house today when I came across some roadwork signs. As I got closer to the area in question, my car was suddenly set to ‘vibrate’ as it hit the freshly grooved pavement underneath. As I continued to drive, hoping my car wouldn’t fall apart right then and there, I wondered to myself just what the hell was so wrong with this road that I travel down multiple times a week that it needed the whole top surface ripped up? Its not like I had ever noticed any potholes or cracks in the road. Quite honestly, the road was fine…nothing wrong with it. To me, the work being done it’s just another example of governments (municipal/provincial/whatever) spending tax dollars needlessly so at to appear to be doing something. Basically, spending money to spend money.

So now, whenever I want to pay the family homestead a visit, I’ll have to navigate my way through dudes in hard hats holding stop signs, steamrollers and other various roadwork vehicles. I had to do this for months in the spring/summer when they were building a bridge on the road that I take to work…and now I get to do it again. And for what? So a ½ km stretch of road can be resurfaced for no good reason?

It just seems like such a waste…

A Bakers Dozen (How To Disapper Completely)

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” ~ Mark Twain

“Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear.” ~ John Lennon

“The success of love is in the loving – it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.” ~ Mother Teresa

“Learn to…be what you are, and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not.” ~ Henri Frederic Amiel

“Facts are facts and will not disappear on account of your likes” ~ Jawaharlal Nehru

“If you wish to be happy yourself, you must resign yourself to seeing others also happy.” ~ Bertrand Russel

“A quiet mind cureth all.” ~ Robert Burton

“The past is a scene from which the light is slowly fading.” ~ Unknown

“What we do in dreams we also do when we are awake: we invent and fabricate the person with whom we associate – and immediately forget we have done so.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

“So long as you live and work, you will be misunderstood; to that you must resign yourself once and for all. Be silent!” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Make sure you have finished speaking before your audience has finished listening.” ~ Dorothy Sarnoff

“Just do what must be done. This may not be happiness, but it is greatness.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” ~ Oscar Wilde

people watching (part 4)

Long and swiftly he fled, while I followed him in the wildest amazement, resolute not to abandon a scrutiny in which I now felt an interest all-absorbing. The sun arose while we proceeded, and, when we had once again reached the most thronged part of the populous town, the street of the D---- Hotel, it presented an appearance of human bustle and activity scarcely inferior to what I had seen on the evening before. And here, long, amid the momently increasing confusion, did I persist in my pursuit of the stranger. But, as usual, he walked to and fro, and during the day did not pass from out the turmoil of that street. And, as the shades of the second evening came on, I grew wearied unto death, and, stopping fully in front of the wanderer, gazed at him steadfastly in the face. He noticed me not, but resumed his solemn walk, while I, ceasing to follow, remained absorbed in contemplation. “This old man,” I said at length, “is the type and the genius of deep crime. He refuses to be alone. He is the man of the crowd. It will be in vain to follow; for I shall learn no more of him, nor of his deeds." ~ "The Man Of The Crowd" (Edgar Allen Poe)

people watching (part 3)

"I had now a good opportunity of examining his person. He was short in stature, very thin, and apparently very feeble. His clothes, generally, were filthy and ragged; but as he came, now and then, within the strong glare of a lamp, I perceived that his linen, although dirty, was of beautiful texture; and my vision deceived me, or, through a rent in a closely-buttoned and evidently second-handed roquelaire which enveloped him, I caught a glimpse both of a diamond and of a dagger." ~ "The Man Of The Crowd" (Edgar Allen Poe)

people watching (part 2)

"Descending in the scale of what is termed gentility, I found darker and deeper themes for speculation. I saw Jew pedlars, with hawk eyes flashing from countenances whose every other feature wore only an expression of abject humility; sturdy professional street beggars scowling upon mendicants of a better stamp, whom despair alone had driven forth into the night for charity; feeble and ghastly invalids, upon whom death had placed a sure hand, and who sidled and tottered through the mob, looking every one beseechingly in the face, as if in search of some chance consolation, some lost hope; modest young girls returning from long and late labour to a cheerless home, and shrinking more tearfully than indignantly from the glance of ruffians, whose direct contact, even, could not be avoided; women of the town of all kinds and of all ages – the unequivocal beauty in the prime of her womanhood, putting one in mind of the statue in Lucian, with the surface of Parthian marble, and the interior filled with filth – the loathsome and utterly lost leper in rags – the wrinkled, bejewelled, and paint-begrimed beldame, making a last effort at youth – the mere child of immature form, yet, from long association, an adept in the dreadful coquetries of her trade, and burning with a rabid ambition to be ranked the equal of her elders in vice; drunkards innumerable and indescribable – some in shreds and patches, reeling, inarticulate, with bruised visage and lack-lustre eyes – some in whole although filthy garments, with a slightly-unsteady swagger, thick sensual lips, and hearty-looking rubicund faces – others clothed in materials which had once been good, and which even now were scrupulously well brushed – men who walked with a more than naturally firm and springy step, but whose countenances were fearfully pale, whose eyes hideously wild and red, and who clutched with quivering fingers, as they strode through the crowd, at every object which came within their reach; beside these, pie-men, porters, coal-heavers, sweeps; organ-grinders, monkey-exhibiters, and ballad-mongers, those who vended with those who sang; ragged artisans and exhausted laborers of every description, and all full of a noisy and inordinate vivacity which jarred discordantly upon the ear, and gave an aching sensation to the eye." ~ "The Man Of The Crowd" (Edgar Allen Poe)

people watching

Ce grand malheur, de ne pouvoir etre seul. ~ La Bruyere

"At first my observations took an abstract and generalizing turn. I looked at the passengers in masses, and thought of them in their aggregate relations. Soon, however, I descended to details, and regarded with minute interest the innumerable varieties of figure, dress, air, gait, visage, and expression of countenance.

By far the greater number of those who went by had a satisfied business-like demeanor, and seemed to be thinking only of making their way through the press. Their brows were knit, and their eyes rolled quickly; when pushed against by fellow wayfarers they evinced no symptom of impatience, but adjusted their clothes and hurried on. Others, still a numerous class, were restless in their movements, had flushed faces, and talked and gesticulated to themselves, as if feeling in solitude on account of the very denseness of the company around. When impeded in their progress, these people suddenly ceased muttering, but redoubled their gesticulations, and awaited, with an absent and overdone smile upon the lips, the course of the persons impeding them. If jostled, they bowed profusely to the jostlers, and appeared overwhelmed with confusion. – There was noting very distinctive about these two large classes beyond what I have noted. Their habiliments belonged to that order which is pointedly termed the decent. They were undoubtedly noblemen, merchants, attorneys, tradesmen, stock-jobbers – the Eupatrids and the common-places of society – men of leisure and men actively engaged in affairs of their own – conducting business upon their own responsibility. They did not greatly excite my attention." ~ "The Man Of The Crowd" (Edgar Allen Poe)

the next day

That whole ‘1 Day’ shit was just a load of Thanksgiving Day wishful thinking. I really do make myself sick sometimes. Originally it was my intention to make a list of all the things I am thankful for…but I got stuck after ‘my family’…so I thought why not list all the things I want to improve/change about myself. Yeah…like that wasn’t a bad idea waiting to happen!

I’ve been thinking a lot about what my friend J said to me the other day, about re-inventing myself. I mean, he’s right…I really don’t have anything left to lose anymore…just myself. And that’s where I get stuck.

Because despite all my faults, and my incessant bitching…yes, I moan and mope a lot…somewhere inside this painfully thin body of mine is a good person, a good heart, and a good soul. There’s a reason why I haven’t given up on myself yet, when maybe I should have. I chose this path for a reason…because of something I felt a long time ago…I’ve just never figured out what it was. I’ve been lucky to meet a few people along the way who have instilled a sense of hope in me. These people (guys and girls…good friends and casual acquaintances) have reminded me that we all struggle…some more than others…and we all have doubts and fears and problems that we can’t seem to find the answers for. They’ve shown me that despite the unknown, you’ve just got to keep trying…and if it doesn’t work…try harder! They embrace the things that make life worth living for them…they go after their dreams with passion and dedication…trying to make the best of the situation they find themselves in. I have a lot of respect for these people.

My biggest problem is that I don’t know what I want. My dreams are all dark and foggy. Many of my friends from High School and University all had a pretty good idea about what they wanted out of life. Some wanted to start a family. Others wanted to make lots of money. Others wanted to travel. And sure enough, 6…7…10 years later, many of them are living the lives they always envisioned for themselves…or at the very least, lives that closely resemble the lives they envisioned. Friends like J, who, all those years ago was clearly on a path to fatherhood and stability. It may not have seemed like it at the time…but I saw it…and I’m sure he felt it. Sure…its taken a lot of hard work and sacrifice to get where he is today…but he had a clear vision of what he wanted…and was lucky (?) enough to meet someone so amazing that that vision got clearer and clearer…until, one day, years later, he’s married to an amazing woman, has a good job and is taking care of his newborn baby in the house he owns. As confused and scared and unsure as we both were back then, he always carried that hope with him in his back pocket. Me…I’ve struggled my entire adult life trying to find out what it is I want. I haven’t had that carrot dangling in front of my face. And whenever I do find something worth fighting for…it ends up being a mistake…or ends up with me making a mistake.

Maybe I am nothing more than a drifter…a dreamer…destined to float through life…never really knowing what it is to be happy? Maybe I really do need to wipe the slate completely clean?

But can I?

Reign Over Me

"Your Honor, I think that Charlie needs to find his own way. Not on our time, but on Charlie's time, and I think that will happen. He'll find people that will fill his life again. Not today, but soon... slowly."


***

1 day

1 day, I’ll be calm, confident and collected.
1 day, I’ll stop putting my foot in my mouth.
1 day, I'll stop repeating myself.
1 day, I’ll figure out what I want to do with my life.
1 day, I’ll actually like my job.
1 day, I’ll work even harder.
1 day, I’ll make a decent living.
1 day, I won’t be so tired all the time.
1 day, I won’t be so sad.
1 day, I won’t be so thin.
1 day, I won’t take it personally.
1 day, I’ll finish the story.
1 day, I’ll pick up that guitar.
1 day, it won’t be a mirage.
1 day, I’ll find the reason.
1 day, I’ll take better care of myself.
1 day, I’ll stop feeling sorry.
1 day, I won’t be so afraid.
1 day, I’ll look back at everything I’ve been through and know why.

What Are YOU Looking At?

Happy (Canadian) Thanksgiving!!

Upside Down Rocket Takeoff

People Say I'm A Dreamer...

Well the NHL seasons ‘officially’ gets underway today as the Toronto Maple Leafs step onto the ice for the first time against their hated rivals from up north, the Ottawa Senators. And while we’re probably going to get blown out tonight, at home no less, I still have a gut feeling that, yes, Toronto WILL indeed make the playoffs this season after a couple of years watching 16 other teams compete for the Stanley Cup.

Why am I confident this bunch, largely the same group that didn’t make the playoffs last year, will finish better than 8th in the Conference?

Reason #1: Mats Sundin is a great player. He’s no Sidney Crosby, and does have nights (or stretches of nights) where he is almost invisible, but when he’s on, he is dominant. And you’ve got to think that after not making the playoffs for a couple of years, and being the age that he is (35 or 36) he is running out of time to play on a winner. Now do I think the Leafs can win the Stanley Cup this year? That’s a bit of a stretch…but as we saw back in 93-94, heart and grit can take you a long way, and I think Mats’ heart is really, really in it this year. I expect him to have a very nice year and lead this team to a 6th or 7th place finish in the conference. Then, in the playoffs, anything can (and sometimes does) happen.

Reason #2: Coach Paul Maurice is a very good coach. He’s had a year to whip these guys into shape and mold them into the kind of team that he wants. There is no ‘adjustment period’ like there was last year, the guys know what Paul wants out of them, and if they don’t give it to him ASAP, they’ll be in big trouble. I’ve always felt that the Leafs don’t play with enough urgency…or haven’t in the past few years. I know that you can’t go balls out all night, every night…but they can’t have those stretches of 6 or 7 games where they go in the tank…every team slumps, but the Leafs always seem too comfortable when they are slumping, so hopefully Maurice won’t let the boys get away with that this season.

Reason #3: We now have 2 good goalies. We may not have 1 great goalie, but with 2 solid keepers, we should be able to avoid the problems that we’ve faced the past 2-3 years when our #1 guy goes down, or isn’t playing well. Newcomer Vessa Toskala (formerly of the San Jose Sharks) is a good goalie. How he handle the pressure cooker of playing in T.O. is yet to be seen (and if the pre-season is any indication, he is going to be under the biggest microscope on the planet this year) but the fact is Andrew Raycroft, as unspectacular as he was last year, was still a good goalie and probably suffered from playing in too many games…so having another guy not only pushing him, but who’s equal to him in talent (or better as many have hoped) will make the Leafs a better team. Having another potential #1 starter has got to be good for at least 3-4 more wins this year, and seeing as how we missed the playoffs by 1 point last year, that’s a good thing.

Reason #4: The kids are being developed properly for once. Gone are the days of trading young prospects for veteran guys on the downside of their career. Players like Alex Steen, Matt Stajan, Kyle Wellwood, Carlo Colaiacovo, Ian White, Nik Antropov, Alex Ponikarovsky are all expected to contribute significantly this year…only this time it isn’t just wishful thinking. Pony and Antropov both looked really good on the first line with Mats last year, and while I doubt we’ll see them both playing with him this year (Jason Blake will probably replace one of them on the top line) if they do end up playing with him, they should only get better. I’ve been a Nik Antropov fan since he was drafted, and have put up with a lot of flack for liking someone who is always injured…but the guy is a 6’5 forward with amazing hands and vision…he’s just got bad knees. If he can stay healthy for 70 games this year, he’s going to turn some heads.

Reason #5: Jason Blake will score 30 goals. Jason Blake might score 40 goals. If he scores 40 goals, we are in the playoffs. I can’t remember the last time we had a guy that ‘might’ score 40 goals. Plus, the guy can fly. He adds speed to a team that really needs it. Plus, it takes a little pressure off Darcy Tucker, who while a very good player, is not a 40 goal scorer. 20 is more like it.

Reason #6: Brian McCabe can not be as bad as he was last year…can he?

So there you have it…6 good reasons why the Leafs will make the playoffs. Sure, the defence is still extremely suspect outside of Tomas Kaberle, and the goalies haven’t looked that great in pre-season (but its fucking pre-season people…so calm the fuck down already newspaper writers) and the Senators, Penguins, Rangers and Sabres all look like they are going to be very good this year…but that leaves 4 spots for everyone else. Why not us?

I mean, its not like the Canadiens are going to be any good this year. =)



Go Leafs Go!

untitled

Camera
Lemon
Citrus smell
Coughing down the hall
TV’s on
Back is sore
Cold feet
No food to spare

Next door an empty room talks
Whispering quiet creeks and groans of tired shifting

Tense tendon stuck to the bone
Holding the paper thin film of reality

Treasure
Choking
Mussed up speling
Roar of the engine at 6 am
Wonderbra
Classic materials
Sleep like a log
On fire