air conditioner

I don't even know what I like anymore.

I feel like getting into anything is a waste of time.  Why I won't allow myself to enjoy anything is beyond me...but its like I've got a guy with a scope on me, and as soon as I start smiling a bit too much.

And I'm lazy.  So damn lazy.  I've got no drive.  No desire.  Just un-desire.  I think that spark went out a while back.  Now I'm getting old and got no real place to go.  Even a meal with the folks is laced with self loathing and various levels of shame now.  It didn't used to be that way.  I guess I see now what I didn't before.  How stupid I was.

I think I know that now.

pop goes the world

Happy Fathers Day!

short of breath

I'm running out of time.

Why can't I let go of the past?

Why can't I shed that skin?

I don't mean to change who I am...just grow, evolve.

I'm tired.

black box

I've lived without cable TV for over 5 years.  When I first moved into this apartment, I made the decision that I didn't want to pay for something that I really wasn't enjoying. For a long time, my DVD collection, the first 7 seasons of The Simpsons, and my job at the local video store meant I barely missed TV.  But going on 5 years, and no longer working at the video store, I'm starting to miss the mindless joy of watching random TV.  I think, for me, I was more frustrated with the fact that I couldn't seem to avoid watching the news, which, combined with shite TV and too many ads, made it something I kind of needed to cut out of my life for a bit.  But recently, I've been really restless at home, and I know the ability to just turn on the TV, be it on a day off, or late at night when I can't sleep, might help.  To me, it kind of feels like an admission that I'm lonely.  It might be a little of that, but I think I just want something to 'change' and getting cable seems like a harmless attempt to mix up my current routine.  These days, I'm pacing a lot, and staring at the same 9 websites over and over when I'm not working.  I hate one of my jobs, and don't feel very useful at the other.  I'm beyond broke.  I'm miserable.  I just want to watch some TV so as not to have to think about any of it.

oh

A lot of the time I come on here and have no idea what I'm going to say.  It just comes out.  And how it comes out is different each time.  Sometimes I wax poetic.  Other times, its just a bunch of words thrown up on this virtual page and I hope to make sense of it later.  But I want it to be honest.  It has to be honest.

The problem is that being honest with oneself can be brutal to have to face a day later.  Especially so when its up in print on the internet. 

I used to think I had a bit of flair, a way with words if you will.  But the more I read, from books to magazine articles to internet blogs and facebook comments, a lot of people can handle the English language quite nicely.  So many in fact that what I used to see as a somewhat special gift is no longer seen as such in my eyes.  In fact, if anything, its discouraged me from really 'trying' to write anything for the past few years.  That's actually true in a few area's of my life, the 'trying' part...its weird, I'm hard working but I'm lazy at the same time?  It makes  no sense, but then again, I don't makes no sense.

I just want to do something that doesn't drag me down.  Doesn't make me feel like I'm losing ground.  But life is a state of mind I'm finding out, and recently I just haven't had it in me.  I haven't had enough energy to do the dishes, or my laundry for over a week...maybe two...until today.  One good day out of 10. 

'Stay positive!'

How?

How do you turn a bad thing into a good thing?  How do you all of a sudden change the way you see the world?  How do start winning after so much losing?