28

Reality sets in...

Now I don’t ever pretend to know what’s going on in this body of mine…my head, heart and soul all seem to work off their own grids…totally separate from each other…never synchronized. I’ve also learned that for no good reason at all, one or all of them will suddenly, without warning, start flashing red. I don’t know why this is…its just the way I’m wired I guess. I know I refer to roller-coasters a lot in my blogs…because really, it’s the only way I know how to articulate what is going on. There will be ups, there will be downs…and after a few go arounds on the track, I can pretty much pinpoint the next climb and the next drop with my eyes closed. Right now…I’m in mid drop.

I’ve tried a number of things over the years to try and get a better handle on why I am the way I am…booze, drugs, meditation, literature, opening up to friends, closing myself off completely and going it alone…and while I’ve had limited success (I’m still here aren’t I?)…on the whole I’ve decided that it really is kind of pointless to try and attempt to figure out ‘why’ (especially right now) and just try and make the best hand with the cards that I’ve been dealt. I really want to know ‘why’…and will continue to seek it out…but I’m starting to think I’m not going to like the answer and might be better off not worrying about it so much.

Sometimes I wake up and find for some odd reason I’ve got a couple of aces in my hand and I know its going to be a good day/week…the cards are just there. Other times, all I can do is stare at the 2’s and 5’s filling my palm and hope that the dealer is kinder the next game. Right now…my hand is full of junk…

I’ve been told that I need to be the enactor of my own change…and not just by my buddy J…that I need to put down the cards, shuffle them up real good and get back in the game…maybe even start playing a whole new game…and while in theory it sounds like a viable option, and comes from a good place, the truth of the matter is that’s pretty much all I’ve been doing the past few months…hell, the last year or so even. I’ve been trying to change so much I don’t know up from down anymore. I’m still me…but I’ve been twisted and turned in so many directions that I really can’t be sure at what I’m looking at anymore. I’ve been putting myself in situations that I’m not normally comfortable with, thrown caution to the wind and moved out on my own, I’ve offered to take on more ‘work’ at work, socialized with friends who I might normally be too shy to hang with…and even attempted to make new ones…and while its all helped me broaden my horizons, I still find myself wresting with the same doubts, the same issues and same failures that I always have. You can try and pluck the boy out of his problems…

So to the loyal few who continue to read this maze of fear, loathing, joy, pain, paranoia and hope, I am genuinely apologetic if my blog does sometimes seem like nothing more than a weeping wall for all my beefs…a half full (or empty) jar of tears. Catch me a good day and I swear I’m a very pleasant, some would even say moderately funny person…I listen intently, I offer my sincerest wisdom and wit when asked (and sometimes even if I haven’t been asked) and want nothing but the best for my friends and those I care about…big and small…far and wide…and will sacrifice my own wants in order to fulfill a friends without giving it much thought. Hopefully some of that sentiment is able to seep through the cracks of this black monolith of text that continues to grow higher and higher as the days and weeks pass. If not…well…anybody got any bright ideas as to how I can lighten this fucker up?

Cheers for reading!

A Bakers Dozen (Life & Hard Times)

“Life is change, growth is optional. Choose wisely.” ~ Unknown

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~ Unknown

"The hardest battle you're ever going to fight is the battle to be just you." ~ Leo Buscaglia

“Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment.” ~ Dale Carnegie

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion…I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward” ~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

“To live for results would be to sentence myself to continuous frustration. My only sure reward is in my actions and not from them.” ~ Hugh Prather

“The torment of human frustration, whatever its immediate cause, is the knowledge that the self is a prison, its vital force and ‘mangled mind’ leaking away in a lonely, wasteful self conflict.” ~ Elizabeth Drew

“Fundamentally, all writing is about the same thing; its about dying, about the brief flicker of time we have here, and the frustration that it creates.” ~ Mordecai Richler

“Feeling and longing are the motive forces behind all human endeavor and human creations.” ~ Albert Einstein

“The first half of life is spent in longing for the second – the second half in regretting the first.” ~ French Proverb

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter." ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

“A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out that in the end it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.” ~ Unknown

"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it anyway." ~ Unknown

I asked for it...

So, you didn’t really think I’d get away with cursing the heavens without paying some sort of ‘price’, did you? Well guess what…on my way to work yesterday, in the very same car that I let loose a torrent of heavenly abuse early Sunday morning, I went to roll up my window on the passenger side door when…crunch, crunch, crunch…the damn thing disappeared into the door. That’s right…I am sans passenger side window now. The driver side one went about a year or so ago…so its not like this was out of far left field…and it ended up costing me $300 to fix…so take a wild guess how much its going to cost this time!

And just in time for my fucking birthday!

Celebrate Good Times…COME ON!!!

So let this be a lesson for everyone…if you’re going to curse out the Man upstairs, the Gods, Buddha or whomever, just remember that they always get the last word…always…and they will do their best to help remind you that no matter how bad things seem, no matter how rough a ride you think you’ve had, no matter how many things keep going wrong…something else can (and will) go sour. You can count on it!

The funny thing is, I was actually aware of the smite potential of my words soon after I had said them…and I actually considered my car as the object of said smiting. The words ‘can anything else go wrong?’ may have trickled out of my mouth once or twice…so I was asking for it, knowing full well that tons more shit could (and probably would) go wrong. At least the Gods are timely.

Lesson indeed learned…I just wish it hadn’t been such a pricey one.

Children Of Men

"You hear that ringing in your ears? That 'eeeee'? That's your ear cells dying. You'll never be able to hear that frequency again. Enjoy it while you can."


***

White Rabbit

To say I had a rough night last night would be an understatement. A busy afternoon transitioned to a hectic night at the office. I arrived to a literal madhouse which did not let up for a good 2 hours or so…and then spent the rest of my time playing catch-up. Then of course, there was the fact that this was no ordinary shift…we had inventory to do!

“And did the inventory go well?” you ask.

=P

We didn’t get out of there until 5:30 am.

But that’s just the prelude to the blow up on the way home. After giving one of my co-workers a lift, I was driving down a quiet back road, listening to some tunes, when out of nowhere a white rabbit hopped into my path. Now I was probably doing 80…and in my tired, weary state, I really didn’t to be responsible for the death of a such a cute critter at that particular moment…so I veered to the right…then the left…before whale-tailing it and nearly backing into a small ravine. The car had held up well, so I turned around and started the potentially grizzly task of seeing if I had hit the poor animal. It was dark…and foggy...but I didn’t see any blood on the road. A good sign. I walked up and down the side of the road, looking for the injured animal…but found nothing. I got back into my car, did a U-turn and slowly passed by the spot again…happy to find nothing.

=)

However, my semi-relief at avoiding this rabbit was short lived as I slowly was consumed with a fury and anger that seemed to force itself out of me like a pot boiling over on the stove…pent up emotions I guess from what has been a ‘hell week’ of sorts for me. It was like someone had given me a microphone, a spotlight, and told me to say what it was I was feeling right then and there...my car a 'soapbox' (racer?) of sorts. There's just something about screaming in the car...because I got a lot off my chest. But that's between my car and me.

It seems that having this white rabbit cross my path was the catalyst for the exhuming of some very real frustration at my life in general. I didn’t get to bed for a while…and I really don’t feel ‘better’ per se…but I think what I needed to get off my chest I got off my chest…so hopefully next week is a little kinder, and gentler to me.

I sure hope that little guy got where he needed to go…

Man On The Train (2003)

"There are two kinds of men. Those who say "I must buy a toothbrush; I've lost mine"...they're adventurers. And those who have an extra brush."


***

Choose Your Own Title

Sit Heart, Sit...Good Boy!

Well...100 posts and counting. I'll do my best to post a little more often in the coming weeks...but work is crazy and the well is a little dry, so no promises. Seeing as how I can’t seem to keep anything short and sweet, this entry may turn out to be a failed exercise...

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I can’t seem to keep this old heart of mine under control. This pulsating, massive mass of blood, tissue and muscle that resides in my chest continues to trip me up, drag me places I hesitate to venture and forces me to do its bidding at the thump of a beat. Just when I think I might finally have tamed the bloody beast, it hops over the fence and charges at the first sight of opportunity. Opportunity, poor thing, has no choice in the matter…if my heart catches a whiff of its scent…its off to the races…dragging my unsure, slightly terrified carcass behind it...yapping the whole way.

My heart jumps up on people, bleeds on their shoes, attempts to mark its territory and barks nonsensically for far too long at the object of its attention. I tell it to shut up…to chill out for five minutes…I even go back and show it what its done wrong…but its in one ventricle, out the other with this one…and at the first opportunity, buddy is off humping legs with gusto once more.

I guess you really can’t teach an old heart new tricks...

Around & Around

Aimless wanderings and hollow dreams…that’s what all this seems like to me. Going around in wobbly circles…sometimes up, sometimes down, always upside down. The quiet of the early afternoon is my only sanctuary…no beating drums, no country songs, no yelling and screaming…my calm before the storm of the day eats up all my adrenaline and leaves me a naked mannequin. The few and far between outposts of support keep getting farther and farther away…was it something I said…or am I really that good at being invisible?

No harbouring of ill will…my harbour is all dried up. I wash my pill down with a warm glass of acid. Makes me feel all warm inside.

Clutching at thin air like I’m on a shopping spree…trying to grab as much as I can before the wind blows it all away. Talking to myself to drown out the echoes of regret. Sleeping in late under 1000 covers. Deep breaths and mini deaths.

But now its time to rev up the engine, in preparation for another night on the slave ship…rowing my way towards the dark blue horizon. Where is it we’re going again? Oh wait...I'm on ths ship alone...

Just don’t forget…I’ve got an extra helping hand in my pocket just for you. There’s no point in saving it for myself, cause helping myself is like a snake trying to swallow its own tail.

Going around in wobbly circles.

Casino Royale

"You're not going to let me in there. You've got your armour back on. That's that."


****

meow

Keep Your Hands In The Car At All Times...

Well…it was inevitable…but I hit the wall yesterday. After juggling the many changing parts of my life for the past 2-3 weeks, I had a day off yesterday and spent the vast majority of it in a zoned out stupor. I fell asleep twice (once on my couch…the other on my bed) during the afternoon, went out for fish and chips (which were delicious) and watched a movie (The Game). Somehow all of these activities ate up a solid 12 hours of my day. Oh…and I washed the dishes.

The energy and motivation that has been propelling me forward lately seems to be waning a little. Just a little. Things at work have me on edge a bit. I’m trying put feelers out as to the likelihood of finally getting that much whispered about raise…but things are so crazy right now, its no wonder my ‘situation’ has been put on the backburner by the powers that be. I’m sure they’ll probably come back at me with a ‘yes…you can have your raise…but we’d like you to take on more responsibility.” Isn’t that always how it goes? I can’t simply be rewarded for 15 months of hard work, always being on time, and going above and beyond when it’s called for? As far as I’m concerned, they’re still getting me on the cheap (even with the raise)…so the least they can do is throw me a bone in the form of an extra few quarters an hour. The problem is, I really don’t have any leverage. I don’t want to leave…so if I don’t get the raise, sure, I’ll be bitter…but I doubt it’ll be enough for me to start looking somewhere else (even though that’s probably what I should do…). I like my job…despite it’s meager pay, shitty hours and the yo-yo like schedule...right now, it fits me. I just hope they can see past the ‘numbers’ and realize how valuable an employee I really am.

My job isn’t the only thing on my mind right now…but it’s the most pressing and most immediate. It certainly isn’t the most important though...

I just hope this ‘bummed out’ feeling I’m lugging around with me today isn’t the start of another drop on the roller coaster…

The Adventures of Cat & Ghost

Cheers To Old Friends...

Last night I got a chance to catch up with two very good friends of mine from my days at U…one of whom I hadn’t seen in well over 2 years (maybe even 3). Usually I would be a little nervous/anxious in the hours leading up to a meeting of this kind (I can be a pulsating ball of nerves sometimes), especially since it was a house party where I would only know the two people I went to school with. But you know what…for some strange reason I was as cool as a cucumber (could have been the 9 hour shift I worked before meeting up with them), and instantly upon seeing my friend N waiting for me on the street it was as if we hadn’t seen each other in 2 days, not 2 years. I even managed to ‘mingle’ a bit and seemed to have my best conversationalist hat on for most of the night. It was probably the beer...

I’m always amazed when I sit down with old friends after what seems like ages, and it’s as if nothing has changed. Sure, we’re all working different jobs now, have careers, new girlfriends/boyfriends (or in my case…still single), new apartments, new stories to tell…but when you get right down to it, we’re still the same people we were all those years ago. There’s something comforting about that.

It turned out to also be my friend N’s birthday (which I was not informed of in the invite) so that made it even nicer that I got to be there for that…and we spent the night sitting around in a big circle, chatting, drinking, smoking and laughing. My other buddy A, who was one of the ‘great’ roommates I’ve mentioned in previous blogs (J, you know who I’m talking about) was also there. N & A, as well as being good friends of mine, were also a couple for the majority of the time we were at school…they are no longer together, but as fate would have it, they now live together in an apartment in the city. Funny how things can come full circle like that.

N, after living in Australia for a couple of years, has just started a new job which sounded like it was right up her ally, and she seemed pretty happy and excited about it. A seems to be doing well too (despite a nasty health issue to do with his shoulder…). I didn’t get a chance to catch up with him as much as I would have liked as many of his work friends were there (all of whom were really cool people btw…) and he was busy spreading himself around. Of course, little old me is barely treading water compared to these two…hell the whole party was probably doing ‘better’ than I am career wise…and I definitely felt like the ‘cub’ of the pack, but despite a little awkwardness when the subject of money came up, it was clear that we’re all doing ‘ok’…we all seem to be relatively happy and content…and that’s all you can really ask for.

I’m not a very social person, that much should be clear by now…and I don’t have a lot of friends…but it was a nice feeling to know that I still have a couple more old friends still kicking around, still happy to see me after all this time, still genuinely interested in how I’m doing…and still very much the people I became friends with in the first place. It was a very pleasant, enjoyable evening and I had a really good time.

Thanks N & A. I’m sure there won’t be as long a gap before we hang out again. (I left my coat behind…so that pretty much makes it a certainty!)

Word(s) of the Day

Palpable
Antsy
Unsettled
Mush
Wishful
Anticipatory
Victorious
Task
Smile