Monday, July 30, 2007

Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus

“I encouraged you to take a few pictures...”


***

Friday, July 27, 2007

to cut...or not to cut...



So what do you think? Is it time to break out the hedge clippers and shave off this mess of long hair atop my head? I've been growing my hair since October 2005...and am now at the point where, even tied back, its starting to take on that out of control head of spaghetti look. Now...my hair always frizzes up after its been given a good wash...so maybe I just need a few days of backbreaking work and stress to re-grease it up and get it looking 'normal' again...but I've been thinking of cutting it all off for a few days now...and after taking a long look in the mirror yesterday, I'm really leaning towards saying bye-bye to my locks.

So what's stopping me? Well, first of all, I know that if I cut my hair it'll be the last time I'll be able to grow it this long...I'm lucky in so far as my current employers don't mind...but long hair is still, at best, put up with by most employers, and is still not universally accepted as a viable look for a young man in his late 20's. Sure...I see guys in suits with long hair from time to time...but for the most part, when you think of 'long hair' on a dude, you don't picture a guy in a suit...or even someone with a good job.

I have my own reasons for keeping it long. First and foremost, I like the way it looks on me. Its comfortable (most of the time). Its also a bit of a link to my 'grunge' past...as well as being a symbol of my non-conformist leanings. I'm different...plain and simple...and having long hair is a small way of saying so.

But there comes a time when you just feel like a change. I know that cutting my hair isn't going to fix or change the direction of my life or suddenly make things seem better...but I'm at a point now where I really don't know what to do with myself. Living day to day is very hard...and sometimes I just want to sell all my shit and disappear...move to Alaska or something. I know I'll probably never do anything that drastic...so something like quitting my job, moving or cutting my hair is about all I can do right now...and I just moved...and as shite as my job is sometimes, I really don't feel like looking for another one right now...so all I'm left with is the hair.

I think I'll sleep on it for one more night...but don't be surprised if by this time tomorrow I'm sporting an army regulation buzz atop this mass of bone and brain I call a head.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

When In Doubt...Go For A Walk

I’ve been ‘dogsitting’ for the past couple of days and its been quite enjoyable having the old fur ball around. When I was living at home, I spent a lot of time with our dog…wrestling with him, having him sit next to me on the couch as I watched TV, going for walks around the small town where we lived, playing with him in the yard. I don’t get to see him as much anymore…a couple times a week I’ll pop by to check my e-mails, say hi to the folks, and give Bax a nice rub behind the ears. But sometimes I miss him.

As you may have figured out by now, I am an animal lover…and dogs are perhaps my favourite of the domesticated variety. I’ve always gotten along with dogs of all sorts. Even the big, angry ones that bark like mad when first approached by a new face…after letting them sniff my balled up fist (so as not to lose any fingers…) and giving them a nice face rub, they’ll usually quiet down and start hovering around me like a new best friend. I just know how to communicate with dogs...I don't know what it is. And when it comes to Bax...well, we're good buddies.

One thing that became pretty clear early on during Bax’s stay was that he didn’t like the idea of being left alone in a new place. The first time I left him for a minute…and he started yelping like a helpless little puppy. The next time, I stood outside the door and waited…hoping he’d shut up and go lie down somewhere until I got back…but he whined and cried…so, being the softie that I am, I came back and got him. So…seeing as how I couldn’t leave him alone (lucky for me I had a couple of days off) I took him everywhere…which meant lots of walking.

It was on our walk late last night, just after midnight, that a calm came over me…something I haven’t felt in quite a while. Walking along silent narrow streets, surrounded by old, old homes, (you know the kind...red brick...front porch...right out of 19th Century Canada) my little buddy leading the way, it felt, for a moment, that everything was right in the world…my world. I've lived in the small town I call home for just over 5 months...and I had yet to venture down any of the side streets behind my apartment...but I'm glad I did.

For a few minutes, I forgot the frustrations and failures of my current existence…let the problems and concerns melt away…and just enjoyed the silence of a cool summer night. I love to walk…always have. There’s something about living in a small town or city, the way that everything is within a ‘safe’ distance, that appeals to me. Don’t get me wrong, the vibrancy and sheer volume of experiences that are available in the city are nice to tap into every once in a while…but I’m a pretty quiet person, and I HATE traffic and too much hustle and bustle, so the simplicity of small town living just feels right at this point in my life. The more and more I think about it, I'm sure the city will become my home at some point…but for now, with all the chaos and confusion swirling over my head…its nice to be able to close the front door behind me and feel comfortable in my surroundings (cops banging on the door at 7:00 am be damned!).

I didn’t find anything I haven’t already found before while on my walk last night…it just reminded me that sometimes we forget how to look...or we get so bogged down with our lives that we can't unplugg. Sometimes all it takes is to stop and look up.

It is out there.

Friday, July 20, 2007

"This is the Police"

That's what I was heard through the door Thursday morning at 7:00 am.

“Hold on, let me get some pants on.” was my groggy reply. To say my heart was beating a little faster than normal would be a fair thing to say.

I opened the door, and sure enough, there was a plain-clothes officer, badge on full display, standing in the hallway of my apartment building with 2-3 other uniformed police officers in full rain gear.

“Hello, I’m so-and-so of the so-and-so police…are you so-and-so?”

“Um…no?”

“Do you know a so-and-so?”

“No”

“What about female so-and-so?”

“Oh, I think she lived in this apartment before me. I moved in in mid February. I’m still getting her mail.”

“Oh…I see.” (looks at other officers)

“Well…do you know who owns that white truck in the parking lot? Its been there for a couple of weeks?”

“Uh, I think it belongs to the guy down the hall (point down the hall)…not sure which number, I don’t really know many of the tenants.”

“Oh, OK…well, can I get your name and phone number then?

“OK.” (proceed to give my name…and temporarily forget my phone number…it was early, and I don’t give out my number a lot, so its not burned in my brain yet)

“Alright…thanks…”

And that was it. I paced around for a few minutes, trying to hear what the cops were talking about. Finally, I heard them talking to the couple who’s truck I thought it was. I heard…

“Well, you and your lawyer can apply to get it back.”

and

“Sorry…there are coins under the seat. I have to be anal about this, I need you to take all of your belongings out of the truck.”

“But they’re just pennies?”

“I know…but (inaudible).”

Outside my window, in the driving rain, two police cruisers were parked, watching as a tow truck raised the white pick-up and drove it away…

This is my life...I don't know what's going on.

Zodiac

"I... I Need to know who he is. I... I need to stand there, I need to look him in the eye and I need to know that it's him."


****

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

carry

Monumental task
Scattered submission to a scorched earth syndrome
Dust
Rise

Literal or figurine, the hero is broken
Light shines darkly
Like a vacuum star

Suffering in silence, the noise is too much
The bell tolls
Final warning

Wrinkled heart twisted in wreckage of time
Collecting rust
Shivering
Silent

Sunday, July 15, 2007

$72 million car crash


Green Burning Car I ~ Andy Warhol (1963)

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Snow Cake

"You don't know how I'm feeling because you're not me."


***

Friday, July 13, 2007

Factory Girl

"You're the boss, applesauce!"


***

Thursday, July 12, 2007

sun & sky

I really should try to get outside more. Its amazing how a little sun and sky can change your mood. I woke up miserable today...and it was a mood I just couldn't seem to shake. So I skulked aruond my apartment for a few hours before getting ready for work. To say I was dragging is putting it mildly. But once I got in my car and started on down the road...I looked around at what was in front of me and could only smile.
Its not like getting outside 'fixed' me in so far as it made everything better or that it erased the things that are getting me down...but just like looking at a beautiful painting or listening to a fantastic song, there's something about the awesome beauty of nature that can force a smile out of you...one that doesn't just cross your face...but lights you up inside as well.
And on a day like today...I really needed that.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

airborn

Sometimes life tosses shit in your path just to see if you can get through it. You get bonus points if you’re able to learn something, either about yourself, or life in general while toughing it out...but in many ways life is survival. When your stuck in the desert and life gives you lemons, you gotta at least try and make lemonade...or you’ll dry up and die.

“Its easier to lie down than it is to fly.” ~ quote from the movie “A Little Trip To Heaven”

I’ve been guilty of lying down from time to time. Life’s beaten me up pretty good over the years…and I’ve inflicted a few wounds myself…but I continue to believe that its all for good…that at some point I’ll finally break through whatever barriers are in my way and find my happiness. True happiness. Not the store bought kind…or the instant gratification variety…the deep down, filling up that unknown void that lies deep within all of us happiness. I know as well as anyone that nothing is promised in this life…and I’m realistic enough to know that I may never truly find my happiness…but if I can make the journey less arduous over time, then at least that is something. And something is better than nothing. Problem is, very rarely is happiness found in just one thing. The love of a partner…passion for a vocation or hobby…a desire to make a difference…or simply money, security, power or excitement…it’s a pinch of that, a little bit of this that makes life truly worth living.

That’s why life is such a complex entity. There are just so many fucking variables. Its as if we’re all a bunch of mad scientists attempting to concoct the perfect mixture. And sometimes those experiments blow up right in our faces and cause quite a bit of damage!

But from time to time…the results can be simply amazing…and its those moments that makes life feel special.

It may be easier to lie down than to fly… I sure as hell find myself face down or on my ass quite a bit, so I understand the sentiment quite deeply…but like a young bird sitting eagerly in its nest, attempting to once again conquer the challenge of flight…we just have to keep coming back…ready to try again…ready to finally catch that perfect gust of air and soar high into the sky…wings outstretched...seeing the world from a whole new perspective.


Thunderheart (1992)

"You better watch yourself pal, I'm the FBI round here. Full blooded Indian."


****

Saturday, July 07, 2007

07/07/07

Do you believe in luck?

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Holding My Breath

I don't usually have much trouble putting my thoughts into words. If an idea pops into my head, I can usually churn out a paragraph or two without really thinking about it. Often, it's the 'editing' process that takes the longest…the words just seem to come to me…lining up one after the other like little soldiers.

That is…until recently.

As of late…the words just haven't been coming. I've had a lot on my mind the past few weeks…resulting in my head being filled with the sort of distortion and 'static' one might find on a weak radio signal. I just haven't been able to articulate what I'm thinking or how I feel…at all. The other day, I read a really interesting, deep blog entry and was all set to reply…but after pressing the 'send' button and re-reading what I had written…it was so hit and miss…nothing but a messy ball of words...it left me scratching my head for hours afterwards. Now, there were a few readable lines of text, and a couple of my ideas made sense (to me at least) even though as anyone who reads my blog regularly can attest, my stuff can be quite cryptic and lacks a certain 'structure' which most people come to expect from writing...but overall I was disappointed with myself. Its as if somewhere between thought and extraction, something broke. I've even noticed when talking to someone face to face…be it at work or socially, I've been quite 'clouded' and 'blubbering'…catching and correcting myself on numerous occasions. They say 'think before you speak'…but what do you do when you aren't thinking clearly?

Now, this is somewhat normal behavior for me (I'm not what you would call 'smooth'…and do tend to 'rush' my words sometimes)…but it feels 'heavier' this time…more pronounced…like a weight pressing down on my chest.

I liken this shift in my insides to the difference between holding your breath…and holding your breath underwater. Holding your breath is relatively simple…but underwater, the pressure of the water, as well as the 'necessity' of the situation makes it a little more difficult. Someone who can hold their breath for a minute standing by the side of the pool often can't hold their breath that long in the pool. And that's sort of how I feel. Usually, I'm only slightly awkward…able to use quick thinking and (dare I say it) charm to smooth over any rough edges that might pop up during a conversation…but recently, its as if I've had a gun pointed at me.

I feel nervous…like I'm underwater.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Empty Shell

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Happy Birthday Eh!

I’d like to second the motion brought forward by another proud Canadian I know and wish this country of ours a Happy Birthday. All things considered, Canada is a pretty great place to live. We’ve got natural resources and beautiful scenery from coast to coast, we live in a free society where everyone at least has a ‘chance’ at a better life, we’ve got health care, and thanks to our proximity to the most powerful and influential country in the world, we are at the same time protected yet still quite independent from our bigger, tougher brother to the south.

We may be small and we sure as heck can’t push anyone around when it comes to the world stage…but ask people from other countries what they think of Canada, and I’m sure the vast majority of responses will be favourable.

Sure, we have some issues that we can’t seem to iron out. Our issues with the Native inhabitants of this land are still ‘unresolved’, we still aren’t convinced that our abundance of natural resources is our ticket, as a nation, to a prosperous future and that we need to protect them at all costs, and we still lack a strong national identity outside of cheering on our Men’s and Women’s Olympic Hockey teams every four years.

What does it mean to be a Canadian? Even I'm not sure...but I am proud to be one.

Life is hard enough…so I’m grateful that the country I call home doesn’t make it too much harder than it already is.


Happy Birthday Baby!