enjoy it

out of the way

I don’t know if I’ve got anything left. All I want to do is escape. Hide. Run away. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to even think about tomorrow because it looks empty and bleak.

All it takes is one step in the right direction…one day at a time…but it seems like I’ve been living one day at a time for years now and just keep digging myself a little deeper every year. To the point that I’m now most certainly stuck in the mud.

Up to my chest.

Makes it hard to breathe.

look! it's a man!

truth hits

I didn’t realize it had been almost 3 weeks since my last post. I guess that’s just how used to ignoring this space I got. I was skeptical when I started blogging again about just how long I’d keep it up…I’m starting to show why.

I’m trying everything I can to try and shine a little light on my life so I can figure out what the heck I’m doing, and how the heck I can change it. It’s not working. I’m not working. I’m literally embarrassed of myself. I got a little stomach flu last week and it triggered a 5-day long ‘sad puppy’ routine that I’m still stuck in. Hearing peers talk about $800,000 houses can do that do a broke dude.

I’m not jealous. I’m not. Disappointed that I haven’t got that? Sure. But I stand by who I am and the choices I made. They may not have turned out the way I wanted them too, but I made them for the right reasons…I think. But that old bitterness/superiority that I felt because I was doing it my way and they were selling out to the system…yeah, that’s pretty much gone now. Superiority isn’t the right word, or maybe it is, but when I was younger I at least felt like my choices were going to mean something substantial…and I’m not talking money…but something I could hang my hat on at least and say ‘yeah, taking the high road got me here!’ Something I could be proud of. Something to make me feel like I'd grown up. Instead, I feel like a fool.

Why did I try to swim upstream? It doesn’t work.

this is not a test

One thing I was hoping this blog was not going to be was what it was before. I liked my old blog. I like my old blog. But that was 2 years ago. I wanted v2.0 to be something more. I wanted to be something more by now.

It is not.

I am not.

And so it goes...

I think I may have lost the will to live somewhere over the past 24 months, and figured it'd come back to me...the sun would rise on another day and everything would be back to normal. I don't know normal anymore. He starved to death in the back of my being. What I'm doing now, I've literally been treading water for the last little while, completely unable to muster up a plan to find my way back to shore. I've been here before. This time is a little different.

It could be good?

amber alert

I don't feel whole these days. I'm scattered...all over the place...and I can't seem to zero in on anything for any length of time. I just can't focus! I'd say its ADD, which I'm pretty sure I do have, but it feels worse that that...like extra ADD or something. It feels like I'm running on 70% power all the time. You know how when your sick, you just can't concentrate...or how when your tired you just don't think the same way you do when your fresh? Yeah...I'm about as far from fresh as a rotten apple.

Maybe its because I'm being pulled in so many directions right now? Maybe its because until a couple of days ago, I was fighting a battle with the guy downstairs and my landlord so I could actually live in my own apartment? Maybe its because I've been living in two different places, driving two different cars, working two different jobs? Maybe its because I'm trying to make everyone happy...which is literally impossible? Maybe its because when one thing goes right, another thing seems to wrong right away. Like my car breaking down the day I learned the jerk downstairs was moving out, for example. Or how when I finally got my car back today, fixed and good to go, I got a ticket for running a yellow light 10 minutes after paying the bill...that's right...I went through a yellow light and got pulled over...all because some girl decided to start walking on the yellow and I had to honk my horn to remind her that it wasn't red yet! I'm past the point of thinking its bad luck or bad karma or whatever...this is just more of the same bullshit I've had to put up with the past 15 years...and its all my fault.

That's right, I said it, its all my fault. We all have bad luck, we all have bad days...so my luck isn't any worse than anyone elses...and if it is, its probably because I did something to deserve it.

That's how I get out of bed in the morning now. My life is shit because of something I did, or didn't do...and I have nobody to blame but myself...even if it does seem like I can't catch a break (worth being happy about) to save my life!