change of heart

Not sure I like this 'new look' to the Blogger behind-the-scenes template that I work with.  I'm not big on change.  I'm already not all that into this blogging thing, so this isn't helping. 

Damn, now it feels weird to talk about what I wanted to talk about before all this 'new look' nonesense.  Maybe I'll take that as a sign that I shouldn't talk about it here and now.

But its going to bug me. 

Its really bugging me actually, but to be honest, venting here probably won't make me feel better, and it certainly won't answer any of the questions I have. 

But its really bugging me.

Love. Hate. Love. Hate.

How can one person mess with me so much?

strike three call

I'm not feeling very well. My body and mind are out of synch. I'm tired, but I'm restless. Once again I find myself in the eye of the storm...trying to catch my breath.

I should go to bed. But what if I can't sleep? I've got 9 hours of walking up and down stairs, counting boxes ahead of me. I already blew off my 'easy' job today because something else came up.

So tired.

chocolate eggs

Why would I be eating chocolate eggs and drinking Cherry Coke when I've got to work tomorrow morning? What sort of comfort food is this?

Burp!

unpleasant

Pretty much sums it up.

sleep

I'm in it right now.

Eye of the storm.

I'm just going to keep my head down, work hard, eat 3 meals a day, and gets lots and lots of sleep. I don't drink anymore...and I'm beyond bored of pot...so getting a good nights sleep is about the only 'high' I really enjoy anymore.

How lame is that?

God, I'm old...

grizzly

My horoscope said that I should smile more, and maintain a positive attitude in order to have things start falling my way. I get the whole idea that in order to have positive things happen to you, or to be ‘receptive’ to positive things, it helps to keep a positive outlook. Smiling, having a bounce in your step, being outgoing…all valid behaviours.

If only I could.

I just find it so hard to fake it…especially on the inside. Now, I’ve been accused of not smiling enough at work…usually by my fellow co-workers…but the fact is I save my ‘happy’ face for the clients…the people I have to sell…because I can only keep ‘that’ face for so long. I’m like everyone else in that its not exactly my first choice to interact with grumpy or unhappy people…and if I do happen to find myself in that space, I usually extricate myself from it pretty quickly…but I also understand that people are human, and anyone who is happy all the time…well…that’s just not normal.

I think my biggest problem is that I’m too honest. Or…I want to be. I’m a good liar, but I don’t like telling lies…I don’t like hiding behind a façade…but life forces it on me. It’s a suit of armour…castle walls…a cloak of invisibility that I use to protect the real me from the elements…and to protect everyone else from my misery.

Oh, the things I’d say if I was really given the chance. But, nobody wants to hear it. And they shouldn’t! I don’t really blame them…I keep everyone at arms length, so nobody gets to know the ‘real’ me. Which is funny, because there really isn’t anything to hide about the real me. I’ve been sharing the real me on this page for almost 5 years…and as sad, occasionally pathetic, moody and unmotivated as I come off sometimes, I’ve really got nothing to hide.

And yet I keep myself locked away. I let the unhappiness and confusion and torment boil and bubble…and eat away at my soul from the inside…keeping it inside. Nobody wants to be friends with the depressed guy. Nobody wants to listen to the deep, philosophical wet blanket go on for hours about how he can’t seem to do anything.

But it is my life. It is how I feel. I guess I'll just have to learn how to grin and bear it better...even if it kills me.