21-year-old moderate rock

by association

I'm gutted.  On two fronts.  I kept a brave face through most of it, but I was, and still am gutted.  I'm being played.  I don't know what the game is, but I know I'm the ball.  Or maybe just a piece of equipment, to be added or removed as needed?  Either way, I'm not a player.  I thought I was.  I thought I was something more than a sounding board.  I'm not.  I'm a means to an end.  I feel unimportant right now.  I feel rejected.  I feel small.  I feel guilty.

Where I go from here...I have no idea.  But I can't face this again.  Its not meant to be.  I need to move on.  I need to forget.

But if I do that, I'm the bad guy.  I'm too sensitive.  To selfish.  And they'd be right.  But that doesn't make it any easier to take.  To watch the movie play out right in front on you...you know where this is going...and its not going to be good for you...but its your life, and there's no escape.  There is no running away.  There is no turning your back.

I should be bigger than this.  I should have known.  I should have given up 2 years ago and let it be.  None of this would have happened, and I wouldn't be sitting here feeling like a criminal.  But I couldn't.

Now I'm right back where I was 12 months ago...literally right back where I started.  Only now the debt is bigger, my hope is smaller, and my bubble has now finally been burst.

I'm just a friend...and even that's pushing it.

still in last

I've been really unsettled recently.  Money troubles have finally caught up to me in a big way, and the looming bills to be paid are starting to shout.  I haven't been able to sit down and relax.  I get home from work, a tired husk, and I just pace.  I surf the net, visiting the same dozen sites over and over again.  I tweak my fantasy football team.  I look at comic book covers.

I had something really good happen to me recently.  A real positive, affirming moment between me and a friend that made me feel as if I was actually appreciated.  I'm trying desperately not to turn this into another cynical moment where I twist the other persons actions and words and it comes out all self serving and hollow.  I'm going to resist the urge to do that this time, if only because I need to get over myself and just learn to appreciate people for who they are.

Ultimately, I just feel as if I'm not growing fast enough for my ever-evolving surroundings.  I'm still trailing...lagging behind.

you know what

I don't like my options right now.  This is what you call ironic punishment for my years of being the black sheep.  It's a test.  I know it is.  10 weeks they say.  I'm desperate.

One small step for Neil.  Mighty fucking small.