Friday, November 30, 2007

what a shame

1983-2007

I'm a little late in paying my respects, but I was a big fan of Sean Taylor. I used to follow NCAA football pretty closely in my late teens/early 20's, and have always had an affinity for University of Miami players...and knew who Sean was when he was drafted. That school just produces 'players'...and Sean was one of the best to come out of 'The U'.

In his 4 seasons in the NFL with the Redskins, Taylor went from being a hard hitting safety known for bone crunching hits, to a Pro-Bowl calibre defensive player and team leader. This season, despite missing a few games with an injury, he had 5 INT's to lead the NFL and looked ready to take the next step into stardom. I've even had him on my fantasy football team a few times over the years...I'm loyal when it come to guys I choose for my team, and I just really liked him. He was very media shy (he had a long standing distrust of the media), and he didn't do interviews, so he wasn’t really a ‘well known’ personality like a T.O. or a Chad Johnson...but he did all his talking on the field. He did have a few run ins with authority early in his career (both on and off the field) but seemed to have matured in the last year or so. But when it came to playing the game, there were few players who were as feared and respected as him…and he was only 24 years old.

The fact that he was gunned down in his own home, in his bedroom…is bone chilling. The real reason may never come out, but my gut says that it wasn't random...apparently there were a lot of people who didn’t like him or had beef with him from his days growing up in Miami and someone probably didn't like the fact that he was a successful pro football player and trying to put the 'other stuff' behind him...its just a real shame. {EDIT: News of 3 people being detained in connection with Taylor’s murder came in this morning……and early indications are that it was a random burglary gone wrong. Apparently 3 men, 2 of whom are teenagers, heard that Sean Taylor lived in the house and was a rich NFL player, and thought that he would be out of town with the Redskins. I still stand by my feeling that there’s more to it than that…but if in fact is was a random crime, it brings up a whole other issue regarding wealthy athletes and their safety. 3 NBA players were victims of home invasions/robberies recently, and numerous others have had jewelry and other valuables stolen, sometimes at gunpoint. Sort of puts all those stories of pro athletes carrying weapons and walking around with huge entourages into perspective, doesn’t it?}

My thoughts are with his family, friends and teammates.

Monday, November 26, 2007

fixed gaze

How far do I have to go? Can it be measured in steps or miles? Today the rotting walls seem to be peeling away, letting in fresh air. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I’ll take today for now. I’m still shrouded in a cold cloak of darkness, but the comfort of feeling in tune with something, however small and distant, has me at least feeling that I’m not absolutely isolated from everything and everyone. Foreign films and new music have me thinking in another language…giving me a fresh perspective.

“Fill it to the top!”

But like anything new, there is a shelf life to this ‘feeling’ I have. I know it’ll fade. But the buzz I had today felt very strange. Even a bad nights sleep (no sleep) wasn’t enough to extinguish it. My mind is a bit of a mess, and I’ve been tripping over my feet all day…but its like I’ve got my eyes locked on some beautiful scene off in the distance and no matter what’s going on around me, my gaze is fixed straight ahead…head slightly tilted in curiosity. I still don’t really understand what I’m looking at…is it just another mirage...a fleeting glimpse of 'whatif'...or the monolith I’ve been searching for…but I’m desperate not to let it out of my sight.

But we’ve been here before.

Am I supposed to be content that I got today…and hope that the next day like today is tomorrow and not next month? Whatever is happening, its different. Could just be a terrible tease…the tiny peak before the bottomless trough...I’ve got no reason to feel ‘good’ today…none at all…I just do. It’s certainly better than feeling like shit...or lost like I usually do…but without a reason…it's just as scary.

SaskatcheWIN



Congratulations to the Saskatchewan Roughriders who won the 95th Grey Cup today with a 23-19 win over the Winnepeg Blue Bombers. The CFL has come a long way in the past 5 years or so…it wasn’t too long ago that the league was a bit of a joke, especially in the Eastern part of Canada (Ontario especially) and filled with players who were ‘C’ list…or worse. But for some reason, the CFL has become ‘cool’ again here in Canada, and it seems the Canadian players are getting better, every team has a good QB, and good American players who can’t quite make it in the NFL aren’t embarrassed to look for work north of the border anymore…and it isn’t that bad a place to make a living. Sure…they don’t make millions like their NFL cousins, but they earn an honest living to play the game they love in front of packed stadiums from B.C. to Montreal, they’re seen on TV every week, and the style of football is wide open and exciting. It could be worse…

And its also nice to see the Saskatchewan faithful rewarded with only their 3rd Grey Cup Title in the teams 50+ year history...and first in 18 years…which is a pretty big deal when you play in an 8 team league! If you know anything about the CFL, the Roughriders are sort of like the CFL’s version of the Green Bay Packers in so far as it seems the whole province dons the green and white to support the only team in town…traveling to other provinces en mass to cheer on the boys. They don’t have an NHL team, so the Roughriders are pretty much it (outside of junior hockey of course…this is Canada afterall).

Enjoy the party Saskatchewan!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

The Bothersome Man

"I miss so much."


****
{This Norwegian film (English Subtitles) is the second one from that country to really impress me in the past month or so. (‘Reprise’, a film about young writers in Norway, was the other.)

The Bothersome Man is an existential mindtrip about an accountant who arrives as the lone passenger on a bus to the outskirts of a ‘perfect’ city, not knowing where he came from or why he’s there. What he finds is a city where there are no children, no litter, and everyone gets along…with a new job and apartment waiting for him…but he soon comes to realize that something is 'off'.

The film just blew me away. Minimalist filmmaking at its best. There is virtually no soundtrack, with lots of slow panning shots and still frames...washed out colours and sterile enviroments. As someone who just can’t seem to get in step with the rest of society, this film really spoke to me. Despite seemingly robust economies, medical and technological advancements and having the world at our fingertips, there is a growing sense (for me at least) that something is not right with the world we live in…not just in terms of the deteriorating environment or the brutal poverty, hunger and wars plaguing certain corners of the globe…but in a metaphysical way as well. But not everyone feels this way…many are either oblivious, ignorant, or choose to ignore these 'feelings'. So the question is, who is right? Those with their head in the sand, resigned to the idea that there’s nothing they can do about it…content to live their lives and squeeze whatever joy they can out of their keyhole existence…making the most of out life as is...or those who can’t shake the feeling that they're living in someone else’s fantasy world?

A brilliant film.}

Friday, November 23, 2007

Hot Rod

"Its only embarrassing if you care what other people think!"


***
{I was pretty skeptical about how good this movie would be. Sure, the previews looked funny, but I mean, it stars ‘that new guy’ from Saturday Night Live, one of his buddies from his internet comedy days, and a few other SNL cast members both past and present. It was also produced by Mr. SNL himself Lorne Michaels. So…I’m thinking, this is probably going to be more ‘A Night At The Roxbury’ than ‘Wayne’s World”…but surprise, surprise, I laughed a lot during this movie and was thoroughly entertained. I enjoyed it so much in fact, that I watched it again, and laughed at parts I didn’t laugh at the first time.

Yes, it is pretty juvenile…kind of reminded me a little of Napoleon Dynamite because of the dorky/geeky/boy who won’t grow up theme…but some of the jokes were very funny, and the stunts were very lame (in a good way). The comedy kind of reminded me of my high school days when me and my friends would just find the funny in whatever we could and then proceed to beat it to death...and it seems like these guys did the same. Some of the jokes were so bizarre that you just had to laugh at the effort. The supporting cast is also quite funny, ‘Arrested Development’s’ Will Arnett has some good lines, as does Ian McShane from ‘Deadwood’…and I now have a big crush on Isla Fisher (yes, I realize that was the intended result of casting her in this movie…but she’s just so darn adorable!)…so THAT is why I am giving this movie 3 stars (I thought about giving it 4, but that might totally ruin my credibility when it comes to my reviews, so I’ll stick with 3)


If you like dumb, silly, funny movies…Hot Rod is for you!}

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Rescue Dawn

"When something is empty, fill it. When something is full, empty it."


***

Monday, November 19, 2007

Angel-A

"Forget miracles, you need hitting."


***

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

My Architect: A Son's Journey (2003)

"Truly a work of Art is one that tells us, that Nature cannot make what man can make."


****

Continuing the trend I started with the last documentary I ‘reviewed’, I feel its necessary to again add a little more insight into this film. My Architect is a fascinating journey by a son attempting to understand his famous father’s life and work. The filmmakers father, Louis Kahn, perhaps the first great modern American architect of the 20th Century, led a very private, almost secretive life and died alone, deep in debt in a train station in Pennsylvania at the age of 72 in 1974. His son was 11 at the time. Kahn’s influence is such that even world famous architect Frank Gehry admitted his early buildings were strongly influenced by Kahn’s work. Virtually every architect interviewed (with one demonstrative exception) said the same thing…Kahn was one of the best…of not the best…of his generation…and one of the greatest of all time.

There were two things that really drew me into this film. The first was the whole ‘son-trying-to-understand-his-father’ theme, something all men battle with as they grow older. Nathaniel Kahn, Louis’ son, is very sincere in his confusion as to why his mostly absentee father, who was married to another women (not Nathaniel’s mother) and had 3 children by three different women, chose to live his life the way he did. Over the course of the film, Nathaniel seems to slowly come to terms with his fathers choices, while still retaining a sense of bitterness that things couldn’t have been different. But as the film reveals, when it comes to great people, and great artists, personal relationships often take a back seat to the passion and energy needed to pursue their interests. (Note to self...)

The second thing that really struck me was how I went from being one of those people who appreciates architecture, but has never really seen it as an art form, to being absolutely gob smacked at the beauty and gravity some of these buildings produce upon examination. The Capital Building in Bangladesh, conceived by Kahn, built over a 20+ year span, and finished nearly a decade after his death, is simply a modern wonder. That it was built in one of the poorest countries in the world, and is seen by its citizens as the foundation of the countries democracy makes its completion even more impressive. Other great buildings, such as the Kimbel Art Museum in Texas and The Salk Institute in California, are truly beautiful American landmarks.

If you’re an artist, an avid viewer of documentaries, or simply interested in the human condition, this film will not disappoint.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Guarding Against The Darkness

For some of us, blogging isn’t all fun, whimsy and cracking wise. For some, blogging can be an emotional journey into the many shades of our personalities…shades which, in the hustle and bustle of the day, don’t always appear to us, or aren’t always noticed. However, when one puts pen to paper…or in this case, fingers to keyboard…things slip out, and are instantly frozen in time, like a prehistoric insect in amber…to be viewed by nameless and faceless individuals of all walks of life, from all parts of the world, days, weeks, or even months later. But most importantly, as is the case with my own blog, I too am able to review old posts made in the heat of the moment, or in the depths of despair, and try to make sense of them when I've regained my senses.

Its not very often that I’m embarrassed with what I write. I’m as honest as I can be when it comes to my posts, and if I’m feeling like shit, and am trying to put my finger on how/why I came to be that way, I will often sit quietly in the very chair I am sitting in now, hunch over, and try to find the words. I do censor myself a bit…nothing TOO embarrassing should ever make it to post…but after my ‘200 Year Old’ post, and after the dreary haze of that day had lifted, I read over it again and thought to myself, why? Why would I do that to myself? Why would I expose myself as the gutless, pathetic wimp that said post clearly makes me out to be. Sure…I’m flawed…even more so than most...but anyone who knows me knows that I am a very resilient, strong willed guy…and while I am prone to visible displays of moodiness, I usually try to keep it to myself so as not to suck anyone else into my vortex of misery. But when it comes to the blog…I seem to feel no shame…that is, until the next day.

So what am I trying to accomplish with these little bursts of cathartic blurbs? Well I’ve thought about it some, and here are some of my theories.

a) By baring my soul, I am attempting to find people like me who can relate to my struggles, who may be able to offer words of wisdom (like my good, anonymous friend did for ‘200’) and a ‘you’re not alone’ from time to time. Maybe I'll even reach people who'll want to get to know me better (if they already don’t). Ideally, would I like to meet and develop lasting, personal relationships with people who read my blog? I’d be lying if I said no. But I’m also terribly anti-social, so I am rarely, if ever, compelled to even go out, let alone meet people who I've met online...but I have been bitten by that bug once so far, and a couple times in my life, so its not out of the question for it to happen again. However, that idea died a pretty painful death this last go around, so now I'm even more hesitant to venture down that road again. I'll probably just have to settle for the odd insightful and caring e-mail or comment from a friendly face. Beggars can’t be choosy, right?

b) By exposing my ‘dark/ugly’ side, I am forcing myself to take a hard look at myself…and in doing so, hopefully, I will uncover some answers as to how I can best fix the broken bits. I’ve been a consistently unhappy, jaded, frustrated person for a long time now, but since I started blogging, I’ve been surprised to see that there seems to be a pattern to my moods...and I've even noticed a couple of triggers. I am prone to being affected by the actions (or inaction) of others, but most of the time, these dark days roll in because of something that is going on with me. Dealing with it internally, I guess I’ve gotten good at just suppressing it…burying it deep enough so that it only rears its head once in a blue moon…to devestating effect...but by posting these thoughts and feelings in blog form forces me to confront them publicly, head on, and in an altogether different manor. This dark side…this ‘other’ me…is not the ‘real’ me…but he is a part of me…a conjoined twin of sorts…my darker half…so to try and bury him, or ignore him is just a lost cause. He is very real. I’ve learned that much. What I need to do, and what I am trying to do, is to literally cut him out of my life. Giving him less ammo, ridiculing him after he’s spoken, and if possible, taking the gun away from him entirely. Make him so small I can't hear him anymore. Now, to think I’ll be rid of this side of my personality for good at some point is a bit of a stretch…he’s been haunting me since I was 15…but, despite my rant, I do still believe in myself and others, and in my ability to overcome adversity…of all shapes and shades. And as small as my steps forward have been...and as often as I've slid back down to the basement...I still feel like I am making progess...however tiny. It may still feel like I'm stuck in a hole 6 feet deep…the same one I've been in for years...but I still haven’t been buried yet…and there's something to be said for that.

c) By continuously trying to write, and trying to articulate my feelings, I am hoping that my true voice will reveal itself to me. I’ve got a idea of who I am and what I’ve got to say…I just haven’t figured it out to the point where I can bring out the best of me. All I can do is keep trying…sometimes my words will be bold…other times they’ll be boring…but they’ll all come from me (or will be selected by me….as I’ve shown, I like to quote others to better articulate where I’m at or where I’m coming from).

d) I’m shy…so this is my only hope. I don’t mingle well, I don’t make new friends, and I can be painfully awkward in social situations…so hiding behind a computer screen is as good a chance as I’ve got to reach out and meet people. Eventually, the goal is to venture out into the real world, armed with lessons learned here…but you’ve got to walk before you run, and I'm still barely crawling.

e) I have been lucky to meet a couple of really wonderful souls on my online travels…and they have each given me something…and its my hope that I am able to give back in some way by continuing to keep in touch, even if indirectly. I may not have received everything I was looking for or hoping for, and may have made mistakes along the way, but I am better for having met all of them, and consider myself lucky to have crossed their paths in this life. For now…they know where to find me...and some of them still do from time to time.

I’m sure there are some other conscious or subconscious reasons I have for doing this…some of which I’m sure are embarrassingly personal and point to my inability to take control of my life…but what I really want to make clear is that, yes, I have a dark side…but that’s not the Neil I want to be…and its not the Neil I am most of the time…but he’s lurking, always lurking in the shadows, ready to derail me if my guard isn’t up.

I guess I’ll just have to stay ready.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Les Invasions Barbares (2003)

"We can't decipher the past, how can we know the future? No one ever knows what'll happen to them."


****

Monday, November 05, 2007

I'm 200 Years Old

At this stage, the temptation to disappear is enticing. Very. From the bottom of my soul...I’m embarrassed. At every turn, I come face to face with more impossibility it seems. But only I see it. More doubt. But only I feel it. I just don't believe anymore. In myself...or anyone else. I want to. I'm just not strong enough. Hollowed out with extreme prejudice…I am merely floating from this point to that one…trying to keep my head above the waves. But why? My dreams hurt. My memories bring me nothing but a sick feeling of loss. My future is a black page. No matter how hard I try to change the tune, I always end up sounding like a broken record. The echo of my own voice ringing in my ears as my life lay shattered on the ground. I know I can…I just don't feel it. Empty. I need a reason and nothing calls out...and it's all I can hear.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Solaris (2000)

"Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you? There are no answers, only choices."


****

Saturday, November 03, 2007

I'm Thinking, I'm Thinking