Tuesday, July 31, 2012

more hole

After lunch with a friend today, I felt as if a part of me had left with them.  I still feel like a bigger hole is now where the old hole used to be hours later.  I can't remember a time I've felt like that. 

I'm upset with myself.  I'm still not being honest with myself.  Finding ways to avoid facing the problem.  Myself.  The clock is ticking.  Oh boy is it ticking.  Maybe my hope is that all these ill feelings are tied to this 'thing' that I'm not facing, and when I finally do face it, everything will suddenly be lifted?  Maybe the fact that I know that's not the case is what's holding me back?

I don't think I've missed a person in a long time. 

Friday, July 27, 2012

The Dark Knight Rises

I don't go to the movies as much as I'd like to.  I saw The Avengers a couple weeks after it came out so as to avoid the crowds.  I liked it.  I went to see The Dark Knight Rises on a Monday afternoon, again to avoid the crowds, and was treated to a half empty theatre with very little in the way of distractions.  Some dude a few aisles ahead of me got up twice, and left early for some reason, but with it being a 3 hour movie, I was surprised how into the movie I was, and how I only really wondered 'where' in the film we were a couple of times.  Again, for a 3 hour film, I was impressed with how things were always moving, and they even rushed through a couple of spots that I wish they hadn't.

I thought Anne Hathaway was great, and totally proved my theory about Christopher Nolan right.  His casting choices just work.  I thought Heath Ledger was a strange choice for the Joker at first, and this time, I had a hard time seeing Hathaway pulling off the iconic role.  I think she's talented, but just didn't see 'Catwoman' there.  My mistake.

Its even hard to grade how much I liked this film compared to Nolan's other Batman films...at first I was ready to rank this one a bit below The Dark Knight, but then thought about how good Batman Begins was, and how it might then be the worst of the three.  Surely that can't be.  I think, instead, I'll think of these three films as being parts of one epic...much the same way I view The Godfather and The Godfather II.  Star Wars also gets that epic treatment, even though I clearly have a favourite film in that franchise (Empire Strikes Back).  Lord of the Rings is epic in my opinion as well.  But that's about it.  Four films?  That's pretty good company.

So how long will it be before we see another Batman movie?  I say about 5 years.  I don't know how they top this though?

Sunday, July 22, 2012

in the frame

Art is beauty.  Some make it for profit.  Some because they have something inside of them they need to get out, like an exorcism.  Others just want to put something they made out into the world and see if it floats.  As I’ve gotten older, I realize I never really understood the arts growing up.  I’ve always been able to string a word or two together…but as for things like drawing, music, acting…I always felt a step behind.  Well, not acting…I was good at that…I just never got the validation I needed in order to continue to pursue it.  That’s not to say that it not my fault.  I had a lot come easy to me when I was growing up.  I was one of the smart ones.  I was fast.  I was athletic.  I was a leader.  I was tall.  I didn’t have to try very hard to succeed…though success is a relative term.  Success used to be a B.  The fact that I never attempted to strive for A’s, I think, says a lot about me.  Good and bad.

And now I’m here.
Nothing comes easy anymore.  Everything is a struggle.  Every day is a struggle.  Just summoning the energy to get dressed, go to work and eat my meals is a chore.  Sitting down to watch a film is as much a battle as a blessing.  Two hours of escapism should be akin to a giant chocolate cake…there to enjoy and not feel guilty about.  Yet something always taps on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, making it feel like a waste of time.  I still get goose bumps watching a good movie.  It’s one of the few things in my life I’m still remotely passionate about.  Maybe I’m afraid I’ll wear out that record too and be left with nothing?
Where is all the beauty in the world now?

Friday, July 20, 2012

cost of living

Fun costs money. 

That's what I'm finding out.  I'm trying to get out of the house that is my head and have some fun.  Distraction.  A little bit of entertainment.  Something to lighten the mood a bit.  But I'm poor remember.  I don't have a lot of money to spend.  Movie and a meal?  $40.  Ride the rollercoaster?  $80.  A round of golf?  $80.  Even a round of mini-golf is going to cost you.  I still have to buy food for the cupboards and pay my rent.  Did I mention I'm poor?  And if I'm being honest, all those things I listed are things I used to enjoy.  These days, I'm not sure I care.

I just want to have a little fun.  Put myself in a good mood to keep the motor running.  I want this to be the turning point.  I want this to be the bottom.  But now that I'm here, I need something to lift me out of it.

I've forgotten how to have fun.  I need to learn how again.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

the other guy

It seems very simple.  Open your mouth and let the words come out.  The real ones.  Not just the ones that make it through the censors.  I believe a problem can be talked down.  I've leant my ear a number of times.  I didn't judge, and don't think I've ever let things I've heard people say change how I saw them.  I have no reason to beleive that with the shoe on the other foot, I wouldn't benefit from talking about it.

But I do.

I've already convinced myself it won't work for me.  One more lie to keep me in line. 

But I'm not going to let it win.

I'm just afraid I won't be me anymore.  But maybe, after all this time, that's not such a bad thing.

All signs point to go.

Friday, July 13, 2012

run

I've got to get out of here.  I am as stuck in the mud as one can get.  More like stuck in the shit.  My own shit.  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  I've spent too long doing it one way, its now become impossible to change.  I can't do it.

What do I do?

I just need a little more time and I'll figure it out?  Right? 

No.

I'm past that.  Now I have to do something.  Do something. Actually do something.  Stop what I'm doing now...and do something else.

Anything else.

I'm about to drive off a cliff.

Saturday, July 07, 2012

bed of nails

Way down there.  Near the bottom.  Like a lone butterfly in the pit of my stomach.  I don’t know what it means.  Am I still alive?  Or is Elvis about the leave the building?  One last encore performance before the final curtain?

I feel like a climber who’s falling, desperately trying to stick my spikes into the ice…somewhere…somehow…to stop falling.  Maybe this piece?  Maybe that chunk over there?  Try them all.  I’ve got nothing to lose. 

I quit my job today.  By text.  Made me sick to my stomach, but the prospect of going in there and having to explain why?  Not this time.  Too personal, and, honestly, they don’t deserve the truth.  They probably wouldn’t even believe it.  ‘I’m not coming back’ I said. 

I’m not coming back.

Lifted the boulder of my chest…for about an hour…before this new reality set in.  The one where I’m not making enough money to pay my bills.  The one where I still don’t  know what the hell I’m doing…only now, I don’t have those 9 hours a day where I can crawl out of my own head and see something other than this.  Now I’m wasting my time sucking up news and information about things that don’t really matter.  Things that won’t help.  T.S. Eliot maybe…but the other shit…pure distraction.  I am watching movies again.  At least there’s that.  Good ones too.

Do I want to see how this ends?  Am I going to stick around for the final credits, or am I going to skip out early to beat traffic?  I don’t really want to die…but I say it enough that I’m starting to believe it.  How do I fight that?  The monolith of ill feelings casts a shadow over me that I just can’t outrun.  And maybe that’s the problem.  I should be trying to tear it down, not running away from it like I have been.  But should and will are two very different words. 

I can’t sleep.  I won’t let me, even though I want to.  Desperately.  The minutes turn to hours and the sun peaks its head out from behind tall buildings and forces me to look at a new day right in the face with tired eyes.  Very tired eyes.  My body feels strung out…like pulled taffy.  My steps are ungraceful.  My head filled with acid.  Twitchy, shifty, twisty, can’t-seem-to-get-comfortable restlessness that rolls up and down my body like a steamroller.  Sometimes I don’t recognize my own body.  Its like I’m somewhere else.  Like I’m someone else. 

Am I?

Sunday, July 01, 2012

street fighter

I'm about to find out if I've got any fight left in me.  I've been hiding in my apartment for the the past 3 or 4 days, avoiding work, phone calls, going outside, eating...you name it.  I've been trying to zero in on one thing, and that thing is what's holding me back.  I want to zero in on it so I can cut the rope and finally set myself free.  I'm not sure I've got the guts to do it for real...take a real, hard swing at that rope...but this is pretty much my last chance to do it my way.  After this...I lose my vote.

My desire to leave one of my jobs is so strong it makes me sick to think about it anymore.  I just want to go in there, pick up my last pay cheque, hand in my notice, and get gone.  Its not the people, or the job per se, but for whatever reason, that place has is hands around my throat and won't let go.  I just feel off when I'm there.  Or before I even get there.  My other job is still...who am I kidding, I hate my life and everything about it, including the fact that I have to have a job,,,or two...or three. 

Tomorrow is a big day.  First day of something new.  Second half. 

Please.