rehash

I'm going to try again.

wearing melancholy

I have that feeling that I'm driving down a dead end road.  But instead of stopping and turning around now, I'm just going to drive down to the end.  There's a growing part of me that would love to just keep on driving...even if it meant going off a cliff.  I wouldn't speed up at this point, I'm no live-fast-die-young wild thing.  I'd just cruise on through the barrier, and keep right on going until I couldn't go anymore.  I just don't care.  I really don't.  Somehow, in my constant attempt to do the right thing, and not cause any trouble, I've painted myself into a tough corner.  A real classic type job.  I'm tired.  I'm completely and totally without any will or desire.  I'm an empty shell howling as the wind blows through me.

I thought I'd reach a certain age and the light would go off and I'd 'get it'.  The subtle human mysteries of the mainstream would unravel before me and I'd finally be let in on the conversation.  Somehow I figured things out, just from the outside looking in...which essentially means that I haven't figured 'it' out at all.  I know what's going on.  I know the game being played.  I just don't get it.  A lot of that is just me.  Before the drinking and the drugs.  Before the apathy and misery, there was always a 'pain'.  Sometimes it was an emptiness.  Sometimes it was a queasiness.  Sometimes, a loneliness.  Sometimes it was noticing I was different.  That I thought differently.  That I paid too much attention to stuff.  That I over-analyzed things to the point of paralysis.  All of this was clear to me at a young age.  Why I wasn't able to harness that knowledge and do better for myself is a mystery.  Maybe that's where the drinking and the drugs come in?  Maybe instead of working for a better tomorrow, I just decided to blot out the pain and fear with booze and narcotics?  I really do think there is some truth to that...which is also why I am and have always been my own worst enemy...and why I continue to punish myself in a myriad of ways that has left me teetering on the brink of the abyss.

I hope that something happens in the next few weeks.  Some small miracle that I've long been waiting for will finally arrive and snap me out of this especially trying time.  I've been through more ups and down to do me for five lifetimes...but the hopelessness and general lack of anything resembling energy and passion has me feeling as down as I have in ages.

Now, more than ever, I want to run from everything...but most of all, I want to run from myself.

bridge