Only God Forgives

I've got pretty mixed feelings on this film.  I did enjoy it, but mostly on artistic merit.  I thought Ryan Gosling was good, not great.  I thought the films cast of characters were far too ugly and detestable, which limited my ability to really want to look past the harsh exteriors.  Contrary to many critics, I found there was very coherent plot, albeit a more philosophical/metaphorical one than most Hollywood fare.  Nicholas Winding Refn's plot synopsis that Goslings character basically wanted to meet and fight God is an apt description of what's going on here.  Gosling is messed up.  His brother is even more messed up.  And their mother...a piece of work in the most demonstrative, disgusting sense.  Even the 'hero' of the film, the Thai top cop who's own moral code is just as warped and brutal as the characters he's facing off against, is ugly.  So how does one end up liking and ultimately enjoying a film full of so much ugliness?  Beautiful cinematography, bizarre and original camera shots...and a few moments of pure brilliance.  

I cannot recommend this film because, as I said, I'm conflicted and still not even sure I really did 'like' it.  But it certainly got a few synapses firing and left me with that haunted, hollow, numb feeling interesting and devastating works of art typically do.  If you're a fan of the different, the bizarre, or the borderline masturbatory, then Only God Forgives is worth a look.  Even someone as open minded and adventurous as me found it took a good 60 minutes before I was fully engaged...even though the pretty pictures and silence certainly held my attention in the meantime.

it's all right

I'm irritable.  I'm frustrated.  I'm tired.  I don't want to anymore.  I can't sleep.  I'm losing my appetite.  I'm smiling less.  My fuse is shorter.  I'm confused.  I feel like I'm being used and manipulated.  I feel like they're talking about me behind my back.  They don't respect me.  They're trying to poke the bear.  Is it worth it?  Am I getting anything out of this?  A job is a job is a job.  Is this because I didn't call?  Are they trying to teach me a lesson?  Or do they see that I'm burnt out and are taking it easier on me?  I should be so lucky for it to be the latter.

Right now I feel like a big fat ball of negativity.  Nothing turns me on.  Part of that is my attempts to avoid being turned on...but you'd think something would slip through and make me tingle.  No.  Home, bed, work.  Rinse repeat.  I'm finding some joy in books.  Distracting myself from the overwhelming thinking that keeps my mind racing...and things I'd rather not think about.

Going with the flow?  What if what's flowing is sewage?  Should I go with that?

run

Get as far away as you can.  Get out of my orbit.  Don't turn back.  Forget me.  Do not try and remember the good times.  Do not try and remember those times I was nice or sweet or charming.  Don't think about what could have been.  Draw a blank.  Half remember.  Do not be corrupted by my acid space.  Do not try to think like I do.  Do not try to do as I would.  Do not copy.  Write me off.  Scratch my name off the registry.  Tear up that piece of paper into a thousand tiny pieces.  The next time you hear my name, lie to yourself and think of someone else.

stomach talking

It's like a switch has been turned off (or on) and I've gone cold inside.  I'm saturated in negativity, and it's coming from inside.  Hopefully a good shower and breakfast tomorrow will clear that up, because I was on a bit of a role there, and it'd be a shame if I tripped up right when I was finding some momentum?  Right?

I'm hungry.

in the someday

I still haven't had my fulfill.

superstar deejays

I'm a little too tired and lazy to really think about how long ago it was, but one of the best concerts I ever went to was the Chemical Brothers show when they were touring off of 'Surrender' and were coming off a couple of years of being megastars.  They were killing it.  The show was an absolute treat for the eyes and ears, and aided and abetted I danced pretty much the entire show...including for most of the warm up DJ.  I came out of that place absolutely gassed, still completely buzzing from head to toe.  It was a trip.

It's easily in my Top 5 All Time greatest nights ever, and listening to some tracks off that album tonight brought back a flood of long forgotten memories.  Good times.

love buzz

East of West

moving on

It's not going to happen.  

I hate using the word 'never', because I doubt I'll ever fully close the door, and I have a history of not closing the door when it comes to situations like these...but I've been doing a lot of soul searching about this circumstance and I can't see myself keeping this up long term.

I'm beating my head against the wall...putting myself and my heart in harms way...and getting less and less out of it.  For Christ's sake, she's 'hanging out' with the same guy she stayed out until 5 am the other night again tomorrow.  Do I need any larger sign that she's just not that into me?  I can't get her to stay out past 11, and here she is watching sunrises with some dude she works with.  Yeah...don't have to tell me twice.

Of course, she's playing these cards so soon after I've come out saying I'll support her in her quest to go to school out west.  I swear to God that I get fucked over any time I| try and help someone I care about.  I attempt to go the extra mile, to be a good friend, and hopefully show said person I am, or can be an important person in their lives...and instead of it putting me in a better position, I end up getting the short end of the stick time after time.  I get it...I'm not supposed to 'get' anything out of offering to help a friend...but come on, when it's a girl you like, and you constantly bend over backwards to show how great a guy you are, you kind of, in the back of your mind, hope said girl finally comes around and throws you a bone or two...even if its simply a genuine thank you from time to time.  But all I get are hints and cryptic talk about her cool new guy friend who she's doing all the stuff I've suggested we do in the past.  It's devastatingly unfair...if a bit funny at the same time.

So instead of continuing to pine for this girl hopelessly, and constantly put myself in a position to be walked on like some sort of coat in the road...I'm pulling back.  I'll still be there to help.  I'll still offer to drive when it's convenient.  But I can't be the doormat anymore.  I can't be at her beck and call.  I'm learning that it just doesn't work.  It never has, but I thought maybe it'd be different with her.  Maybe we were two wayward souls who could just be ourselves and we'd find each other.  Apparently not.  

I don't make this pronouncement easily.  I know I've gone back on this type of declaration before.  I know it also comes off as bitter and pithy after I only recently said it was my intention to be a good friend 'no matter what' and that 10% was better than nothing.  Well, I still don't want nothing...but honestly, 10% just isn't good enough.

So it's time to move on.  I'm working a ton, and reading a lot in whatever free time I find, so I'll just put my head down and work through it.  If she texts, maybe I'll respond promptly.  Maybe I'll find myself doing something else.  I'm not going to be a prick about it...that's not the intention...but I need to create some distance...some lines on the field of play that mark what's fair and what's foul.  She's had it far too good recently, and now she's just rubbing my nose in it...just a little.  That's not what I signed on for.  Not even close.

comedown

There's just too much tension.  And not the good kind.  The exciting kind.  We're talking the damp, awkward tension that lingers at the end of the night when both parties are ready to go home but don't know how to say it.  When there's nothing left to be said.

Ours is a professional relationship.  We're friends, but any hope of it being anything more than that is simply pipe dreaming at this point.  I can feel it.  She's too much into her life as it is.  Too many friends.  Too many things she wants to do that don't include me.  I'm the help.  The reliable friend.  The one she can ask questions of, request rides from, and occasionally go out for coffee or a movie and not feel obligated that it go any farther than that.  I can't say I'm thrilled with this, but as I've made pretty clear previously, the alternative is far more painful and awful...so I'll make do.

The drive home today was the first time there's been an awkward silence between us in...well...ever?  I was tired.  She was tired.  She was making plans to meet up with someone else...someone new I'm guessing...and I was just the driver.  Part of me thinks it was done in front of me on purpose.  A 'not so fast' moment for me to chew on.  Am I giving her more credit than she deserves?  Maybe.  But I'm not stupid.  I see and feel things other don't.  Sometimes things that aren't there...but more often than not they exist.

I'm not going to let this embitter me.  I'm not going to fall off the wagon I've been on because of one 15 minute drive.  I'm bigger and better than that now.  But it is food for thought.  Maybe I do need to play the field a little more?  Maybe there are other fish better suited for this kahuna?

I don't blame her.  She's made it pretty clear in the past that we're friends and that's it.  Maybe I just read the signals wrong?  Maybe there were not signals at all?  Nevertheless, she not mine.  She doesn't owe me anything and I need to remember that.  I do this because I care and because she, ultimately, make me feel good when I'm around her.  Makes me feel useful.  Makes me feel like a good person...a good friend.

It's not me, it's her.

Tender Is The Night

“You're the only girl I've seen for a long time that actually did look like something blooming.”

good not great

It was a good night.  It wasn't a great night.  I didn't make my move, and I probably made a misstep or two...didn't get the answer I wanted for a question I posed...but overall, I had a good time, enjoyed her company, and will hopefully get to do it again soon.

The old me came out near the end of the night on the drive home, bending over backward to show how good a friend I am and can be.  And I didn't take the bull by the horns when our plans were sidetracked.  But Plan B ended up being pretty everything I had expected Plan A was going to be, even if she was the one who came up with the idea.  Dinner wasn't fancy...but it was nice.  We ended up driving quite a bit farther, but it allowed us to talk and bond over some good music.  The movie was funny.  She looked great.  It was a good night.

I'm going to stay positive.  I'm going to keep pushing.  But I do have the sneaking suspicion that we're juts friends, and that's the way it's going to stay.  It hurts, but she's a great friend, and any time spent with her (when she's not talking about other guys of course) is thoroughly enjoyable and something I can and will continue to look forward to.  I'm not going to poison it with negativity and jealousy.

Nice me has offered to drive her to work in the afternoon and drive her home in the evening.  I could have kept my mouth shut and let her take the bus home...but that's not me unfortunately.  I'm still learning.

But it's probably because today was a good day, and she made me feel good.

testing, testing

Today is a big day for me.  In reality, I probably shouldn't be hyping myself up, or raising expectations too high...but nevertheless I've had this date circled since I set it.  You see, last weekend I took my female friend, the one who I've got feelings for, out for a friendly dinner/movie date.  It didn't start well, but after an initial speed bump, we got to talking, or she got to talking, and it came pouring out.  She had been accepted the the school she had applied to, the one on the other side of the country.  She wanted to tell me face to face, as she had all the friends she had told thus far.  She wanted to gauge my honest, initial reaction as much as she wanted advice as to what she should do.  While this is something she's been talking about for a while, it's also a huge move and would not only move her far, far away from her family, but would put her at odds with her parents.  They want her to finish the program that she's in.  She hasn't told them that she's been accepted.  She has the next 8-12 months to do that, but nevertheless, she wanted to know what I thought and how I felt.  

As always, I was supportive and congratulated her.  I told her I was always confident she was going to get in, and that I was sure she was nervous and scared, but that she had to do what she felt was best for her.  I told her I was equal parts thrilled for her, and devastated that I'd be losing her to distance...but that I would support her in whatever she decided to do, and help where I could.  I meant it.  There is a part of me that really doesn't want her to go...that feels as if maybe this whole thing was more out of an idealized desire to live out west than her going after something she truly wanted to do for the rest of her life.  I believe in her, and her ability to succeed in whatever she puts her heart, mind and soul into...so I have little doubt she could be successful on her new career path.  But I can also see her change her mind, like she has in the past, and find out it wasn't really for her, and that she wants to come home.  She's only a couple of years away from getting her degree in her current area of study, and there's a bit of doubt that she might be better off just finishing that program and then reevaluating upon its completion.  But she also doesn't want to be in school forever...and seems pretty certain she'll be miserable spending another year or two in her current program.  It's a very tough call...and one I'm extremely hesitant to advise on too much because I don't want to steer her in the wrong direction simply out of personal bias or selfishness.  What I want to do is help her see her options, and simply be a good friend and be there when she decides what she wants to do...no matter what that is.

However, the idea that she may only be in my life for another year before moving across the country has added a sense of urgency and...resolve...that if she's ever going to be anything more than a friend, I need to pull myself together and act accordingly.  It's why I asked her to have dinner with me again so quickly.  It's why I've been watching relationship self-help videos and reading positive thinking literature in my spare time.  It's why I'm so nervous about saying the wrong thing, or acting on the wrong impulse out of fear that I'll scare her off, and influence her big decision in a way I really, really don't want to do.  You can understand my dilemma?

But more than that, I just want to have a good time in her company, and show her a good time.  Show her a side of me that I maybe haven't shown before. Or shown properly.  How I can be a friend, but also more than a friend, and how the two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.  Show her how fun it is to spend time with me.  Show her how much we have in common.  And ultimately, show her how much I like her and how, even if I only have 12 more months, I want to try and explore what a relationship with her might be like.  Pose some bigger questions and see what the answers are?

So tomorrow is a big day.  I've got to be very careful not to come on too strong, but also I've got to make some kind of move.  Do I grab her hand at the end of the night and tell her how I still feel?  Or do I just enjoy our friendship and her company for what it is and not go ruining it by making an awkward move?  I'm hoping my gut and my heart will work in unison tomorrow and lead me accordingly.  Hopefully she'll send me a clear signal or two about what she is, and isn't down for.  Our relationship is truly on the cusp...but it feels as if one small misstep could be disastrous...and if I've learned anything over the past month or so, it's that having her in my life is more important than having her in my life 'that way'.  

Hopefully I'm my best self...we have a good time...the conversation is deep, fun and effortless...and the unfolding of the night is natural and takes care of itself.

picnic table

Gathered around, mother, father, brother, brother's girlfriend, cousin, cousins two young kids, me.  Cool evening air.  Music echoing in the distance.  Bright lights and delicious smells.  Chattering of people all around.  Kids running, teens huddling.  It was a moment.  

I can't say I've experienced anything like that in a long time.  I felt young again and comfortably old all in the same instant.  Bending down to tie my little cousins shoe on the playground, I saw what could have been.  I'm pretty good with kids.  I'm a big kid after all, so I can relate.  They aren't so complicated.  They're honest.  They just want you to pay attention.  My heart melted a little.

It was a nice family moment.  One I'll hopefully remember and keep with me a long time.  Put it in a bottle and on the shelf somewhere.

Thanks for that.

hunting rabbits

"He who who chases two rabbits, catches none."

I'm clearly only at the beginning of where I'm going...but where I'm going and what I'm going after is starting to materialize.  My focus is narrowed.  My thinking clearer.  I've got blinders on and the result is I'm much more in tune with what I want and need than I have been.  I haven't 'changed' all that much, but my focus is sharper, and with that, I've managed to shed a lot of the external noise that's been distracting me.

Meditating in the morning, every morning, really helps.  Not worrying what others think helps.  Not apologizing for who I am and what I say, even if instinctively I want to apologize, is giving me a new found confidence I didn't think I had in me.  It ultimately may not have the specific desired result I am hoping for...but I'll be a better person, and a stronger individual in the end.

So far, so good.  I'm in a good place right now, even though I'm still struggling with things.  But I'm not forcing it.  I'm not dwelling on my shortcomings or my regrets.  I'm still making choices based on feelings I'd rather not have...avoiding family out of sheer awkwardness.  But it is what it is, and I'm embracing it and not going to apologize for it.  It's for the best.  I'm doing it for a reason...maybe even a good one.

It can still go tits up.  I can still find a way to fuck it up.  I can still find myself at the bottom of the ladder this time next month if I don't keep it up.  But the results so far are encouraging.

Eyes on the prize.

OK

It was a good day.

I had the rug pulled up from under me...twice.  I got slapped in the face...a little.  But in the end, I got to spend some quality time with the person who I really like spending time with.  Real quality time.  We didn't go as deep as maybe we could have, but we still scratched at some pretty serious stuff.  She got a lot off her chest.  She got to hear what I thought.  She knows I care, and that I'm there for her, even if it takes her away from me forever.  She needed to hear it.  I needed to say it.

It won't be easy.  There will be moments, like there were today, where I really have to question the logic and the lack of compassion.  The fact that I'm so blatantly being kept at arms length.  But it's OK.  The alternative is not an option.  I need her in my life, just like, she needs me.  Just not as much as I need her.  But it's OK.

I'm not over it.  I'm not going to lie and say I'm cool with it.  But I have to be.  This is the part of the story where I could just cut and run.  Let her fade into the mist and let the credits roll.  But there's still more to the story.  There's still more that I can do for her and she can do for me.  Lessons still to be learned.  Shoulders still to be cried on.  It will be hard.  It's hard just thinking about it.  But if I've learned anything, it's that I've got to follow my heart all the way.  Not half way.  Not to a point.  All the way.  And if it kills me, I die doing something I believe in.  On someone I believe in.  

She's still so young.  She's on the cusp.  She needs to see what's out there and I absolutely respect that.  I admire it.  I'm jealous of it.  It's going to hurt like hell to watch her go, but I know it's for the best.  For her.  And right now, it's all about her.  It always has been, and maybe that's the way it should stay.  Selfish feelings aside.  For now and forever.

She's my best friend.  And she's leaving.  Like all the others.  

But it's OK.

upright

'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.' ~ Laozi

I'm always searching for a starting point.  That point in time where I can defiantly draw a line behind me and say 'no more'.  This blog is littered with those instances where I've attempted to purge whatever ills are responsible for the unhappiness that is so constant in my life by verbalizing it in a way that exorcises it from me like a ghostly spirit being sucked out of my physical being.  I've had some success, if growth can be defined as success...but ultimately I continue to fall victim to the same old habits and twitches that have crippled me since I learned how to feel.  I'm part coward, part jealous man, part haunted little boy.  I give all of myself without any designs, consciously, to be rewarded outside of feeling good.  I am fascinated by people, but also repulsed and confused by them in equal measure.  I don't blame them.  I don't 'hate' them.  I've learned that I am an outsider.  A watcher.  A moon in orbit around societies planet-like gravity that is pulled and repelled at the same time.  Forever on the fringes, I've become a reader of people, a know-er of people, to the degree that every interaction subconsciously has me scanning for verbal and physical cues to come to some sort of conclusion as to who that person is, what they truly want, and if there is any chance I can stand them for anything longer than brief instances of contact.

The list of people I can stand is extremely short.  Again, a great deal of it is me and my reluctance to engage.  I avoid people because I can't turn it off.  I don't like judging people.  It's automatic now, and it's nearly impossible for me to turn off.  I don't drink anymore, which was one of the few times when I was able to turn it off and just 'enjoy' myself and the people who inhabited the my space.  As I stated in a previous post, my friendships tend to run their course after about five years.  I've always thought that I was powerless, a viewer relegated to the inevitable news that another chapter was coming to a close.  That I had done everything in my power to keep whatever form those friendships had taken intact, by giving of myself.  Realistically, I'm probably just as responsible for the end as the other person was.  Friends moving away aside, I also have used the flight mechanism I've so finely tuned to great effect too.  I thought it was a way for me to avoid being hurt, but instead I've come to realize it has merely altered the type of pain I've felt...and in many cases, increased my suffering.  Made it more my fault than it needed to be.  I've always been a glutton for punishment.  Addicted to the comfort of being sad.  I spent nearly my entire teenage years and most of my twenties certain it was my destiny.  My path to whatever oasis lay ahead.  I was wrong.

It wasn't until I hit bottom while living in England in 2004 when I finally embraced the idea that positive thinking could result in positive living.  That good things could manifest themselves from the positive thoughts I planted myself.  If I just focused hard enough, and followed through, I could find whatever it is I was missing.  Or, at least, it would help me find it.  Negativity and anger were only crutches and walls I was shackling myself with, not the weight I would somehow get used to to make me stronger.

It has taken me another 9 years to finally come to the understanding that I am in control here.  Sure, there is chaos, and the uncontrollable, but there is still a lot I do control, and it can and does have a great influence and effect on the quality of my day to day life.

So here we are.

I am currently working six, sometimes seven days a week, at two jobs I enjoy.  Sure, the pay is low, and there are days I get frustrated with my lot, but ultimately, I don't hate the prospect of having to go to work.  I don't fear it.  It doesn't make me ill.  I've had jobs that I have feared and have made me ill and I never want to feel that way again.  I can control that.  Part of that is having the right job(s), which I do, for me, right now.  Part of that is constantly using positive reinforcement techniques to keep me mind fresh and seeing things in the right colour.  That is what I can control.

I also, currently, have very strong feelings for someone of the opposite sex.  The 'friend' from recent posts.  Those feelings, unfortunately, sometimes overwhelm me and cause me to think and feel things that are not in the best interests of this friendship.  Such as one of my recent posts about her and the other man.  That post has haunted me since I wrote it.  It's twisted me up inside and caused me a few sleepless nights and restless days since.  Despite the chances she could have possibly read said post, I've been carrying around a yolk of guilt as if she had.  I shit on our friendship in a way that was, while totally honest and how I was genuinely feeling at the time, completely opposite of how I truly feel.  The thought of her and I not being friends, and not having her in my life is terrifying.  To think I would throw it all away because I couldn't handle the jealousy and hurt I temporarily felt because I saw her hanging with one of her other male friends is ludicrous and beyond stupid.  I know this now.  I just hope that I can find a way to repair the damage, because chances are she doesn't know, consciously, what I felt, but our connection is such that I'm pretty certain she felt it subconsciously...and is at the root of the wall that seems to be between us right now.  Something is off, and there is absolutely no reason, outside of 'that day', for things to be the way the feel right now.  Maybe it's just me internalizing the guilt, and I'm reading way too much into a few short texts.  Maybe the reason she hasn't reached out lately is because she really is really busy?  I don't honestly believe that, but it's possible.  What I do believe is that my bitter feelings damaged the harmony of our friendship...like a blast of loud music might wake one from a gentle slumber.  It echoes.  It causes you to feel unsettled and angry.  You have trouble finding that same spot again because of the now agitated state you're in.  That is us right now.

Again, I'm of course reading way more into it than is likely.  I feel on a level most people, luckily, don't.  It's a curse.  I'm a hypersensitive conduit of emotions.  It's kind of sad, but it's also who I am, and instead of beating myself up about it and putting myself down, I should simply accept it and find a way to harness these feelings for good.

That's what this month is about.

That's what this line in the sand being drawn right now is about.

31 days.  31 days to find a way forward.  31 days to find a way up instead of down.  31 days of positive thinking and honest energy.  This is the start of it.

I am truly sorry for saying and feeling the way I did that day.  It wasn't the me I want to be.  It was the me I've been running away from thanks to you.  I'm better because of you.  I need you in my life.  I give because I want to return the favour.  To make you feel a hint of the positive influence you have on me.  I do it because it makes me feel good, not because I expect something in return.  I know I'm simply one friend in a a list of many.  You are one friend in a list of very, very few.  I wish it wasn't that way, but I can't let myself wish that for you.  You should be free to live your life however you want to, spend time with whoever you want to, and still trust that I'll be there as a friend whenever you need me.  Whenever that is.  If I have to do all the heavy lifting alone for a while, so be it.  I deserve it.  I can handle it.  The times you've lifted me are honestly innumerable.  There is no price, in time or money or love that I can put on how you've helped me.  You may never read this, but it's the thought that truly matters.  It's how I feel.  It's how I should feel.

I'm determined to make this the best month I've had in 20 years.  It's possible.  The bar isn't set all that high.  I have the power.  I know it.  I'm capable.  I've failed a thousand times before, but I don't feel burdened by those failures right now.  I feel strengthened.  Finally.  What will be, will be.