the fall

Well, I've been living in a hole for the past few days...doing my best to digest months of dissapointment and disillusionment. I do feel a bit better. A little lighter.

Life is never how you picture it. It never seems to follow the path you’ve drawn in your head. I guess you’ve just got to learn to go with the flow while still doing your best not to let it take you over the fall. Sometimes, even when you are trying and you think you know where your going, it can still send you over the fall. And if your strong enough, or lucky enough to survive the fall…all you can do is climb out, dry yourself off, and keep marching. But before you do…it can’t hurt to take one final look up at the great height you fell from…and wonder to yourself…how did I get all the way up there?

I'm coming back...

It may take a little more time...but I'll be back. Even if it means leaving some things unsaid, I guess thats the price you pay for opening yourself up. I can't say it wasn't the best feeling I've had in years...becasue it was...but it was never real. I know that now. It was real to me...but that doesn't make it real. It takes two people to recognize something for it to be real...and no matter what I said, what I felt, or what I saw, I just couldn't get through. Even now...it remains in the dark...a neon elephant invisible to the one set of eyes I wanted to see it.

But you know what they say about the elephant in the room...everyone can see it, they just pretend not to. They all have reasons...some may have their own best interests in mind...some may have your best interests in mind...and some, some just don't want to face the unknown...but that doesn't stop the elephant from causing damage. That doesn't stop it from trampling the room.

Someday...someday I'll understand...but by then I doubt I'll have the energy or hope to find my missing future. No...I lost that a long time ago...

I just cannot for the life of me understand how I can be so wrong about the things that I feel? Am I that twisted up inside? Am I that far removed from reality? Am I that unlucky?

"If you're respectful by habit, constantly honoring the worthy, four things will increase: long life, beauty, happiness, strength." ~ Buddha


(yeah...for them...)

The Lookout

"Once upon a time, I woke up."


***

i was wrong

It seems disappointment knows no bounds. Every layer of one’s life is vulnerable to the stings and stabs of its frozen kiss…and mine continues to prove no different. Why I continued to think that things would change…that I could change...I really have no idea. Hope? Hope is for suckers. Hope keeps people playing the lottery. Hope tricks people into believing that someone they love is going to pull through. Hope warps reality…bends it…deforms it…and while the initial feeling may be a positive one…even feel 'real'...slowly, all that twisting of the truth causes tension…too much tension…and it all comes uncoiled at the worst possible time…hurling you even deeper into the abyss…only now, its without a life preserver.

You are now truly, utterly lost.

There are hundreds of millions of people in the world who have it much, much worse than I do. This is fact. But right now, I don’t care…I can’t…because caring too much is how I got myself in this mess. I don't want to care anymore...but I can't help it.

And its killing me.

Time heals all wounds? That’s a fucking lie. Some wounds heal, but more often than not it’s the healed over ones that are constantly being reopened…usually with ones own hand…leaving painful scars all over the place. Deeper, messier, uglier scars. And those scars don’t go away. There is no magic cure…no medical procedure to smooth them over. They stay with you. And other people can see them, even if you try to cover them up. And it scares them...to me, they can be a sign of character...sure, some cut so deep there is no way around them, but for the most part, a scar or two can be quite beautiful when worn by the right person...but I'm not most people...and most people don't like scars. The people I meet, they want perfection...or their version of it...and there is nowhere to hide when it comes to scars. Every scar has a story...and they don't have happy endings.

Hope...it makes you forget temporarily that your body is pockmarked with sores and scarlet letters…a drug like haze that tricks you into thinking ‘maybe this time things will work out…’or ‘maybe the worst is behind me?'

But ‘this time’ never comes.

It never has.

No Helmet

I was driving downtown Wednesday night on my way to a buddy’s to chill out, when I was stopped at a red light on Young Street and a dude a motorbike pulled up on my right. I didn’t glance over at first, but I could feel his eyes on me, so I turned, and sure enough, dude was peering into my car, with a bit of a sneer on his face. Then he looked away as he revved the engine of his crotch rocket (it wasn’t a Harley, and from what I’ve been told by Harley riders, all other bikes are crotch rockets!). I think he thought he was VERY cool. Impressed I was not. I couldn’t believe this guy wasn’t wearing a helmet, jacket…anything…I could care less what he was doing. Guy was wearing a white t-shirt, a pair of shorts and running shoes…that’s it.

So big deal right, a guy on a motorbike. But then he did something that really got my mind whirring. When the light went green, he peeled out…before raising his handlebars and doing a prolonged wheelie, then slamming back down on both wheels. A little farther up the road (and almost out of my sight by now) he did another one.

My first reaction was absolutely, completely mixed. Right down the middle. One half of me screamed out (in my own head of course) “AWESOME…that was fucking cool!” And it was. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone do a wheelie on a motorbike before…let alone on a major strip of highway…let alone with no helmet on. But at almost the exact same time, the other half of me was screaming “What the FUCK are you doing man? Are you INSANE? You IDIOT!”

Two very different responses…and it made me realize just how fucking crazy a species we humans really are.

I totally understood what this guy was doing and why he was doing it…yet at the same time, I couldn’t believe it. I’m sure he probably loves motorbikes, and loves nothing more than riding around, without a helmet, feeling the wind against his bald head, popping wheelies…the rush…the adrenaline…the risk…the danger. I get it. Some people really know how to live! Now me, growing up, my parents made it crystal clear from an early age that there were two things wasn’t allowed to do…smoke cigarettes and ride a motorcycle. I never got into smoking (cigarettes that is…)…and I’ve never been on a bike…so I guess you could say I did what I was told…but I doubt I’m the type of person who would have been into motorbikes anyway (not much of a car guy either, and speed doesn’t really do anything for me…other than make me look for police cruisers on the side of the highway)…but still, I understand that for some, they just have to push the envelope. Its in the genes.

But then I thought about what would have happened if this dude had flipped his bike right there and then, landed on his head, and busted it (and everything else) open? I would have been required to stop…get out of my car…and ‘try’ and help the guy. I would have had to ‘act’ surprised (“Oh my God…are you alright??!?!?!) when really, I would have been rolling my eyes (“Oh wow…you’re hurt…that looks bad…man that was stupid!”). I mean, he’s the idiot…yet I (society) would be the one cleaning up the mess. And its this little bit of information that seems to lacking in the heads of these bikers and road racers…sure, its fun and games when your doing 150 km/h on the highway…but what happens that one time when it doesn’t go ‘as planned’? What if some random mother with her kids in the back turns right in front of you in her mini-van…and you swerve to avoid her…only to hit a tree? Or one of the wheels on your speedster is over inflated and you blow a tire just as your about the cross the finish line…veering into a bus or a bus shelter?

Don’t get me wrong. I like sports cars. They’re nice to look at, and I’m sure they’re a lot of fun to drive…but having been in an accident before, and having seen my fair share of others, I am well aware of the power and destructive capabilities a car possesses. That’s why I rarely get up over 120 km/h…that’s why I try to keep a safe distance from the car in front of me…and that’s why I wish guys who drive like an F1 drivers on Toronto’s roads would wake the fuck up to the fact that what they’re doing not only puts them in danger, but puts the lives of other, innocent people in jeopardy. The guy on the bike? He was just the alpha male poster boy for this gang of speed freaks.

Guys...if your going to act like a reckless, thrill seeking idiot…....ahhh fuck it, nobody listens to me anyway...

It's all your fault Wyatt and Billy!

. . .you too Evel......

The Directors

If you’ve been a regular reader of my blog for any length of time, you will have found out that I am a bit of a film buff. I love movies. More than that though, I am a fan of the art of film…and therefore, I am an avid fan/critic of specific directors and their work. I have many favourites (Stanley Kubrick, Jim Jarmusch, Quentin Tarantino, David Lynch, Wes Anderson, Darren Aranofski, Coen Brothers, Michael Mann, David Fincher, Martin Scorsese…and on and on and on…) who’s work I almost automatically watch…a lot like how I only buy CD’s for artists I truly trust (Sonic Youth, Beck, White Stripes). I do give unknown directors a chance…never would have seen 'Brick' if I didn't...and I do this because, well, I watch a lot of movies…but I am a bit of a snob, so sometimes if I haven’t heard of the director, or if it looks too 'low brow' I’m less likely to grab that particular film off the shelf.

Now, I understand that it takes a lot more than a great director and great vision to make a great film…you need good casting/acting, a good script, substantial budget, quality cinematography, musical score…the list is pretty long (which is why the credits are always so long at the end of the movie)…but the director is the person in charge…and therefore is responsible for the overall quality of the film. Even great directors can make bad movies, but for the most part, the filmography of a ‘great’ director is usually quality from first to last.

With the recent death of two filmmakers (Ingmar Bergman & Michelangelo Antonioni) widely regarded as ‘masters’ of their craft, some people are wondering just who the torch will be passed to. Or if it can even be passed? Is Scorsese the new king? Or is it Mr. Hollywood himself, Steven Spielberg? The article linked here might shed some light on who may or may not qualify as a master of modern cinema 50 years from now. Read and enjoy…and if you have a favourite director or two…feel free to share them with me (as well as you’re favourite films)

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnd action!

The Survey Says…

I’ve been having trouble thinking of stuff to write about recently…so today I thought I’d ‘borrow’ the survey that Alexandra did on her blog and share the results. Not the greatest survey I’ve ever done…but who knows, maybe you’ll learn a thing or two about me?

1. You have $5 and need to buy snacks at a gas station. What do you buy?
Probably a bag of chips, a chocolate bar and a drink.

2. If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you want to be?
I’d like to come back as a narwhal…why not?

3. Song you're listening to right now?
No music.

4. What do you order when you're at IHOP?
Not a lot of IHOP’s where I live…but probably a combination of pancakes, bacon, home fries and toast.

5. Last book you read?
’Big Sur’ by Jack Kerouac (for the 3rd or 4th time)

6. Describe your favorite pair of shoes?
I had a couple of great pairs of converse ‘one stars’ that lasted me forever…their toast now though. I have really poor taste in footwear I’m afraid.

7. Describe the last time you were injured:
I got my finger caught in a rotary press when I worked at a packaging factory back in 2005 and almost had it ripped off. Yup…that’s right…ripped off. Lucky for me the turbine was not very powerful and we were able to stop it in time. Amazingly I still have full use of my middle finger.

8. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with?Probably my old university buddy J. Macgyver's got nothing on us.

9. Rock concert or symphony?
Rock concert.

10. What is the wallpaper of your mobile phone?
None.

11. Favorite season?
Autumn.

12. Are you happy right now?
Not really.

13. If you could only use one form of transportation for the rest of your life what would it be?
Chauffeured Limousine.

14. Most recent movie you've watched at the cinema?
I can’t actually remember the last time I was at the ‘cinema’.

15. Name actors/actresses you've had the hots for?
Zoey Deschanel, Heather Graham, Naomi Watts, Juliane Moore, Amy Smart.

16. What's your favorite kind of cake?
cup.

17. What did you have for dinner last night?
Turkey Sandwich, Tomato Soup, a handful of potato chips and a hostess cupcake…with a tall glass of water.

18. Look to your left, what do you see?
A desk and a bookcase.

19. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Rarely.

20. Favorite toy as a child?
Probably my G.I. Joes.

21. Do you buy your own food?
Yes…yes I do.

22. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Probably…we’ve got a lot of people with big mouths at my job.

23. When's the last time you had a sour gummy worm?
Its been a while. 1993?

24. What's your favourite fruit?
Strawberries and Oranges.

25. Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?
No.

26. Do you have a quarter?
Not on me…but I’ve got a bunch in the car.

27. Have you ever eaten snow?
Yup.

28. What color are your bedsheets?
Blue.

29. What's your favorite flower?
Don't have one...but Tiger lilies are nice. Roses are pretty cool too. I like the smell.

30. Have you ever done ballet?
No. (is this survey just for girls?)

31. Do you listen to classical music?
Very, very rarely…I probably should try having some playing in the background when I write…I hear its good for the brain.

32. Do you have a "wacky noodle"?
Hmmm...I don't really know how to answer this one...

33. Do you watch Spongebob?
Not really. If its on TV and I’m bored, I might watch. It’s a pretty funny show though.

34. Last food you ate?
Another turkey sandwich.

35. Do people consider you intelligent?
I think so.

36. What time is it?
3:57 pm

37. Is your away message on?
Don’t have one.

38. Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?
Actually yes…lucky for me I didn’t use crazy glue and was able to pry them apart.

39. What curse word do you use the most?
I think I use ‘fuck’ a little more than ‘shit’.

41. What time is your alarm clock set for?
1:00 pm (when I work nights…which I am these days)

42. What CD is currently in your CD player?
‘Soup’ by Blind Melon

43. What movie do you know every line to?
My friend and I used to know pretty much all the words to the movie ‘Friday’ when we in high school. I could probably recite most of it still. “What are you stealing boxes for? You tryin to build a clubhouse?”

44. What is your favorite salad dressing?
Italian.

45. Would you ever go on a reality tv show?
Doubt it.

46. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
29

47. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
No…not really. I’m not big on physical contact. It actually didn’t serve me that well when I was working in the music industry because, well, the standard greeting the rap world is the shake/pound hybrid, followed by a quick hug. It used to bother me that this was just expected and if you didn’t do it, it was disrespectful. 'Why am I hugging you again?'

48. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Last week, right before a phone interview with some big shot at CTV News (Canadian TV station)

49. What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?
My last name gets slightly mangled from time to time. Its pretty straightforward…but people still mess it up.

50. If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name?
No…only if I made it as a Brazilian soccer player.

no 'growing' back