throw away

199981

That’s what my odometer currently reads. In a few short days…maybe as early as Wednesday…my car will pass the 200,000 KM mark…and officially enter the ‘holy-f'n'-shit-you're-car-has-a-lot-of-miles-on-it' category. (and who are we kidding with these KM's anyway...) It’s a 2000 Jetta…and not all the clicks are mine…my family got it with about 80,000 already on it, and my brother had it for a year and put a good 20,000 on it himself…but for the most part, its been my car…and became ‘my’ car a couple of years ago when I finally finished paying my parents for it.

So to see the girl reach 200,000…after the ups (drives great, engine is great, makes me look like I have ‘some’ money) and downs (tiny, insignificant things that go wrong end up costing my hundreds of dollars EVERY TIME!!!…and lots of tiny, insignificant things happen to VW’s…she’s getting old) I’m proud she’s in the shape she’s in.

I’d love to get that number up to 300,000, but I don’t see that happening. I would like to drive cross country…if not this summer, next summer…and I would totally trust my car on a trip like that…but I just don’t know if I’ll have her that much longer. With money being so tight…and me living so close to work…the first luxury item I can flip for a little coin is my wheels.

It was tough parting with my first car…an 89’ Oldsmobile…and I’m sure when the time finally comes for me to trade in this model for a ‘better’ car, I’ll feel the same sense of loss…

Oh for fuck's sake...its just a car?!?!?

(not my briefcase...losers don't need briefcases...)

last go around

Sometimes I really question whether or not I’ll ever find what I’m looking for. Maybe what I’m looking for doesn’t really exist 'out there'? The fact that I can’t even put into words what exactly it is I’m looking for…maybe there’s a reason for that?

Or maybe I haven't really been looking at all...maybe I've just been running. I really don't know what I've been running from all this time...most of my life it felt like I was moving towards something...I never really knew what exactly, but it all seemed like it was leading to something...and while others had a name for what they were moving towards...I never really figured that part out. And still to this day, I just don't understand...

I really am a fool.

for you

Flowers, 1964, by Andy Warhol

Chris Farley

I really liked Chris Farley. Tommy Boy and Black Sheep are still two of my all time favourite comedies…and at the time, I thought he was one of the funniest cast members of SNL during the supposed ‘lean years’ (critics dump all over early 90’s SNL, but for me, that’s what I grew up watching, and for me, I laugh just thinking about some of the sketches from that era…so it was funny to me…but I was never really that big a fan of ‘classic’ early years SNL either…). I was shocked and pretty sad when he died, but it probably didn’t hit as hard as it should have, with me or the general public, because it was just one more in a long string of early deaths by celebrities from drugs and booze during the 90’s.

Just another dead celebrity. Just another dead fat guy. Here we go again.

But he wasn’t just some fat guy who was funny only because he was fat. He was better than that…and after reading this most recent article about him and a new book about his life, and having had my own mother talk about how much she enjoyed a recent biography program on him on TV, I think more people feel the same way.

Just say ‘Chris Farley’ and if you’re a fan, there’s a 99% chance you’re going to break out into a mild giggle just thinking about him…for me, he’s like my ‘get out of a grumpy mood free’ card…I just think ‘Chris Farley’…and I laugh…and I feel better. I don’t think about how he died…and I think that’s a testament to how funny I thought he was.

And why I still smile whenever I think about him.

remembering strangers

As I was driving home from a friends place today, I noticed a gentleman walking along the sidewalk all of a sudden come to a complete stop. The man, dressed in a blue coat and dangling a white plastic bag from his right hand, was walking past a cemetery when he stopped and turned to read the inscription on one of the tombstones facing the road. I don’t know if it was the way the man was standing…or if it was because it reminded me of how I used to be fascinated by tombstones and graveyards when I was a young lad…but I really wished I had a camera with me, cause for whatever reason, seeing that man, hand on hip, head slightly tilted, imagining the life of some man or woman he’d never met…and the world they lived in...there’s something strangely comforting about that…and it would have made a nice picture I think.

Is that weird?

rearview reflection

Honed away from home
Counting sides counting sides
Thinking since last century
Weighed down with consciousness
amid a sea of dastardly means and ends
Bending but not breaking
Seeing sick
Eyes rolled back
Right side paralyze
Vulnerable to the finish
Crossing lines in the sand

Iron Man

"So you're a man who has everything, but nothing."

****

As far as big budget, high octane, summer superhero blockbusters go…Iron Man is one of the best I’ve ever seen…and I don’t say that lightly. The movie was entertaining, funny, had great special effects, a solid (basic) story, and just enough comic book charm…and I’m not even a Marvel guy…I prefer D.C. And Robert Downey Jr., who is one of my favourite actors to begin with, is just sooooo good in this movie…almost too good for a comic book movie. He’s one of the rare actors who, as my friend Alexandra once said, whenever he’s on screen, you just have to watch him…and Iron Man is no different.

As the titular character and his alter ego, billionaire playboy/genius military arms developer Tony Stark, Downey Jr. is given free reign to show us the many shades of his talent…with his sizable comedic chops the most prominent of all…and his charm a very close second. I’m sure it helped that Director Jon Favreau (Swingers) knows a thing or two about witty, sharp, fast talking dialogue…but clearly Downey Jr. took the ball and ran with it. Its pretty clear that everyone involved, including notable Hollywood heavyweights Jeff Bridges, Terrence Howard and Gwyneth Paltrow, had a real good time making this movie. Sometimes that ‘vibe’ results in a bad film…poorly executed scenes by actors who aren’t really trying ‘that’ hard because it’s a movie about a superhero…but here, everyone involved is clearly having a blast, but holding back just enough so the film doesn’t devolve into a cheesy, kiddy action special effects extravaganza. Favreau deserves a lot of credit for delivering such a great big budget movie after having little experience on projects of this size. If there is to be a sequel, which I’m sure is already in the works, both he and Downey Jr. need to be on board.

Having had the bar set so high in recent years (Batman Begins, X-Men franchise), and with seemingly so many superhero’s hitting the big screen, I had my doubts that Iron Man would be a good movie…let alone a great one…

But it is!

play it again...

My computer is a piece of crap. Every time I turn it on, its like I’ve got to walk away and occupy myself for 10 minutes before coming back to it just as it stops chugging away like its running on diesel or something. It’s a real pain in the ass. Then again, I did get it for cheap because it didn’t work when I bought it…so I should just be glad I can turn it on at all I suppose…

Frankly, I just wanted to post something to bump that last post…I’m still shaking my head about it. I’m actually a little bothered that I’ve turned this into something about me again…I hadn’t seen him in probably 2-3 years…and by the end of high school we were just ‘pals’…so for me not to know, or to not be able to say ‘goodbye’…it really isn’t that big a deal…so I should just get over it. I’m sure the people closest to him, his real friends, are feeling a more genuine sense of loss than what I’m feeling. I feel like a real self-absorbed ass hole sometimes…you know? I know we all go through these feelings when someone we know dies…its ‘fine’ to have it make you take a look at your own life and take stock of things…but fuck, I’ve been taking stock forever. A good man is dead…his family and friends are grieving…I’ve got nothing to do with it. Would I have liked to have known? Yes. But I chose the outside…so it shouldn’t be a surprise that I was out of the loop on this one.

It was just a big one to be out of the loop on. But I guess as we all get older, there’s more where that came from…

...and now this one’s depressing too...

death of a friend

I got some sad news today. A friend of mine from high school passed away after a battle with leukemia on Sunday...and I had no idea. Because I don’t hang out with anyone that I knew in high school, there really was no way for me to know…but still, to hear that a friend who was one of the first ‘new friends’ I made in Grade 9, and someone who I always kind of looked up to has passed away…it hit me right in the heart. Hard.

I must have been dazed for a good 5 minutes as I tried to comprehend the idea that he was no longer with us. And I'm still kind of sick in my stomach. 29 years old...and he's gone.

It also got me thinking about why I’ve avoided these old friends of mine for so long. Sure, high school was a long time ago, and I’m sure many of my old friends have changed in ways I can’t imagine…and I never really felt like 'one of the boys' so it was easy for me to 'move on'...but still…Ryan was a really good friend…he was one of the ‘cool guys’ at my high school, one of those laid back, friendly guys who would go out of his way to make sure I felt ‘included’ whenever we hung out. Early on...there were 4 of us who would hang out at lunch and after school...and I always felt like the ‘loser’ of the group…the one guy who wasn’t as cool as the others…but he always made me feel like I belonged…but would give me a hard time about it too...like he knew I was insecure...but he did it with a smile...he was just a real good guy that way. Everyone liked him. Honestly, I can't think of anyone who had beef with the guy. I remember many times at house parties, he was the guy that would always make sure that if you were driving you weren’t drunk. You could always count on him to come up to you at the part to make sure you were ‘ok’.

And I think that’s what bothers me. The fact that I didn’t get a chance to see if he was ‘ok’. If it were me who was sick...he would have found a way to see me. He’s also the second friend from high school who’s battled leukemia…the first pulled through and beat it…so when I heard that he had passed away, I at first thought it was my other friend and someone had just got the name wrong. Either way…very sad news…but hearing his name really hit me hard...probably because it was so out of the blue.

So D....buddy…I know it’s a little late…but for what its worth, you were a really good guy and good human being…and I'm really going to miss you. Your friendship during high school meant a lot to me at the time, and even now, I look back on those years and am able to put the bad shit aside because of all the good times, many of which we got to share together. You were a good man and a good friend…and you will most certainly be missed by a lot of people.

This one hurts...

sitting down (with headphones)

Powder blue powder keg
Set to expire
Soft tones of night skies
Humming stars and artificial light
Meeting in the middle
Power flicker as the song sk-sk-skips ahead
Scattered footprints at my door
Nothing more
Old newspapers ankle high
Burnt out light bulbs and other assorted dysfunctions
But the music keeps playing
Driving the beat
Steady hand of chaos
Beautiful malady
Ill elixir
Carpet-bombing my soul into a warm cloud of dust
A million ends in sight

slings and arrows/stupid apology

I don’t think there’s any more uncomfortable, disheartening situation to be in than to have a parent stare back at you with a look of disappointment. I got an eyeful of ‘that’ face today as I told my father about the end of my shiny new job. Maybe it was how I told him…short and to the point, in an almost ‘oh by the way’ kind of way…but I saw him sigh that sigh that all parents unleash when a son or daughter has just caused them a certain measure of grief. I really didn't want to get into why I quit...but he knew I was unhappy, I guess he was just hoping I'd ride it out...but clearly he was shaking his head on the inside...and a little on the outside too.

"Well...I hope you made the right decision..."

A couple of years ago…today’s events might have hurt…my father and I have always had a very ‘combative’ relationship, but I still want to impress upon him as best I can that I’m not the disaster I appear to be most of the time…and I’ve always, in the back of my mind, cared what he thought. But where I’m at right now, I barely felt a thing…just a slight prick…like a needle taking blood…and I was on my way. Maybe I was expecting it…years of never feeling good enough finally educating my anticipation...I’m guess I’m becoming numb to it all now. Fuck it!

Maybe now I’m finally learning how not to give a shit what anyone else thinks?

Probably not.


picture by: Valery Milovic

And to all the people I verbally attacked in my last post…you know, the dumb fucks….I would like to apologize...sort of. Just because I’m on high alert all the time and go out of my way to be courteous and attentive doesn’t mean that the rest of society should forced to be as well. It'd be nice...and would sure help out...but unrealistic expectations are just a road to constant disappointment. In life, the only thing you can count on is yourself...and even then, you'll be disappointed from time to time. When it comes to being out in public, sometimes people just want to shut off after a long day…and if they choose to do it in public while money and services are being exchanged…so be it. I know I have my bad days.

I'm not letting all the dumb fuck's off...there are still quite of few of you out there who know what your doing and do it anyway cause its easy...and that's just...well...it makes me want to, as Ms. GPG put it (and she's one of the really smart ones!), tear my hair out of my head.

I just wish sometimes that common sense wasn’t so uncommon.

dumb fuck look

One thing I love about my job is getting to see the varying levels of stupidity that make up our social fabric. Actually, I don’t love it…but sometimes you’ve got to laugh to stop from going insane. But there are a lot of stupid, brain dead people walking our streets and driving on our roads…a lot. Even if the number is 10% of society that is stupid (which is probably about 20% lower than it should be), that’s a lot of fucking people who are either stupid or masters of the 'dfl'. But amazingly, many of these people, despite the significant disadvantage they’re at, are able to hold down careers, and juggle family and personal responsibilities despite the fact that there’s a cold lump of clay where their brain should be. Clearly I’m doing this life thing wrong.


one born every minute...

My favourite attribute of the intelligence impaired is what I like to call the ‘dumb fuck look’. That’s the look a stupid person, or someone trying to pretend to be stupid will flash you whenever a) they are in trouble for some reason b) are having something explained to them that is just a little outside of their realm of expertise OR they just don’t want to listen c) are on something or d) they’re just really, really stupid. These people will just stand there while a glazed look takes over their face in an almost ‘awe shucks’/baby Huey kind of way anytime you even attempt to communicate with them if they aren’t 100% prepared…which is almost all the time. Trying to talk to one of these people with a ‘dfl’ is an exercise in futility because it’s the idiot’s built-in defense mechanism…and probably the only real mental weapon in their arsenal. At the first hint that trouble is on the horizon, or if any ‘rules’ or ‘stipulations’ are being explained to them (for their own good), they’ll automatically shift into dumb fuck mode, and tune out. Sure…they nod and respond with grunts and the occasional yes/no…putting on the airs of someone who is listening…but don’t be fooled…they haven’t heard a damn word you said. The reason? By not listening they can plead ignorance, stupidity or whatever when faced with the consequences of not following the guidelines previously outlined for them…which WILL happen.



"Duhhh…nobody told me about that?!?!?"

“Duhhhh…what!?!?”

“Huh? I thought it was free?"

And its not bad enough that these people constantly get off easy when people with brains get fed up trying to break through the haze of dumbness and just give in…they also have the nerve to call said rules and guidelines ‘stupid’…but only after they’ve broken them…not because said rules are actually stupid…but because these people desperately want to deflect attention away from their own stupidity once they realize they've been busted.

I guess today was just one of those days…cause I must have come face to face with out a half dozen dumb fuck looks tonight…just ridiculous people who, when faced with a ‘problem’ of their own doing, shift into deer-in-headlights mode and just stand there with a big dopey look on their face. It gets to the point for me that I just invariably start talking to them like a child…you know, really slowly and clearly…or I just get fed up and tell them just how stupid they’re being…in a roundabout way of course…but they figure it out and end up leaving with a chip on their shoulder because they know what I’m trying to tell them…cause nobody is THAT stupid!

Honestly, I don’t have a problem with stupid people, so long as they try. If I see you’re trying, but are just a little dim…or a little out of your element…or just having a bad day...I have no problem trying to help you or giving you a little leyway…but if you’re just being stupid because its easier…and your just a lazy fuck who wants everyone else to do everything for you…including cleaning up your messes…I’ll call you on it…cause its people like you who throw shit out your car window instead of waiting to find a trash bin, take 10 minutes to place an order at the McDonalds drive through and then fumble for money when its time to pay, and line up in the ’10 items or less’ isle with 13 items and then attempt to apologize when the cashier notices...and make life that little bit more frustrating for the rest of us…and I’m not even really that smart…so imagine what the really smart people have to put up with.

Then again…most of them have good jobs and money…so they’re able to avoid the rest of us…leaving us poor, kind-of-smart-but-not-really-that-smart people to try and hack it with all these dumb fucks!


look...this one's got a microphone...