familiar seat

Today was nice.  Today was odd.  It kind of felt like a dream, like it wasn't real.  Seeing someone who you saw all the time, and grew to care about, after not seeing them for months...something was different this time.  The air around us was just different.  We were the same, I think.  Mostly.  Well, she's actually changed quite a bit to be honest, but not in fundamental personality ways, but ideological, moving-forward ways.  It was refreshing, but also a little concerning...only because the catalyst for these kinds of changes is usually some sort of awakening triggered by something negative.  I guess I'm just hoping the negative was minor.

It was a good day though, overall.  Reconnecting wasn't as awkward or as difficult as I had imagined.  Again, it was mostly in my head.

As for what this all means?  Nothing really.  I don't have the will, strength, or right to look into this further.  What will be will be.  I need to learn, in this particular relationship, that there is no controlling it, steering it in a desired direction.   It flies in the face of what it is you've always liked (among many things) about her...her free spirit.  There's still a strong sting, and a hopeful spot in my heart, but otherwise, I was pleased with how I felt around her today...and mostly pleased with how I acted.  If not for other appointments, we could have easily carried on for another 4 or 5 hours, just like old times.  It was probably better that didn't happen, for my sake mostly.

I don't think I will ever get over her.  But I think I may be able to harness that in such a way that it fuels and feeds our friendship.  She makes me a better person, and truly is one of the only people I actually enjoy talking to.  That's enough reason.

wrecked vehicle

I am and feel so beyond tragic right now.  Embarrassed that it's come to this once again.  Every time I wonder if I have the energy to bounce back.  Every time I feel like I have less than the last.  Right now I feel like I have none.

Why did I do this to myself?  What was I trying to achieve?  Or avoid?

I don't deserve another shot.  I'm run through my fair share of chances.  I'm OK if this is it for me.  But I'll take another chance if it's given to me.  I will jump.

along the way

I'm making bad decisions right now.  I'm completely avoiding and rejecting any sort of responsibility in an attempt to, I think, make myself as unnecessary as possible.  Is this self sabotage?  Is this me just wanting to unplug for a bit?  Is this the culmination of years and years of taking the easy way out?

I think I'm just trying to be me.  The real me, underneath all the dress and masks.  Who am I really?  Not the best me, or the me I want to become or want people to think I am...but the truth, the person I am deep down.  I think he's a fucking asshole, but we'll see.  I don't think I'm without my charms...but I also think a lot of my 'charm' now is just window dressing and being polite.  I'm my parents son in that respect.  They taught me well.  Am I trying to unlearn what they taught me?  No, not really.  I'm just trying to strip away some of the extra layers of paint in order to see if I really do give a shit, or if I was merely trained to?

And so here I am.  Disappointing people all over the place...and doing a terrible job of making a good name for myself with my new bosses.  Family.  Friends.  They're all in play here.  When will I finally visit?  How long until I finally take the time to reach out and set up a time to meet and catch up?  Do I even want to?  How horrible is it that right now, I don't want anything to do with my family...and it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.  I feel like I'm carrying some sort of disease that makes it impossible to be around anyone I care about.

This is not going to end well.  I've desperately been trying to ignore this very real sense of dread I've been feeling for weeks, and projecting on everything in my life, but this is one dark fucking cloud hanging around...and I'm killing myself trying to find cover.

cruelest sleep

Sometimes there are no words.  Life can be terribly unfair.  Brutal, even.  We are so tough and resilient and strong...and yet so fragile.  I'm grieving for a friend of the family whose suffered an unimaginable loss.  I've faced and processed my share of death over the past few years.  All death is tragic and sad.  This one feels different.  It feels mean.  I can't imagine how those closer to this tragedy feel.  I have to believe there is anger.  Love the ones you love everyday.  Cherish them.  What would you do if they were suddenly gone forever?

heaven in hell