nevermind

Nirvana

somewhere near the bottom

This gets harder and harder every time. You'd think the opposite to be true, but no. Maybe that's just another example of why I'm not and everyone else is. I'm fighting so hard, but its as if I'm doing nothing. I'm where I belong.

in the vines

Castanets

everybody knows this is nowhere

Neil Young

the days are long

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.

from Alone by Edgar Allen Poe

burn

I don’t exactly know if I’m growing, or dying?

person to person

I really want to start over. Push the reset button and wipe the slate clean. This time will be different. No more of the same mistakes. I know better now. I’m running out of excuses. Some things are just not meant to be. Nothing is for everybody.

Sitting still. Ready to wash away the past. There isn’t anything to look back on anymore. It all hurts. The joys are so faded, so used up, that its like white noise…you feel something, but its just another kind of numb. And all you’re left with is a faint hope that you’ll find your footing someday. Somehow all this will click.

Faint.

I’m running out of everything.

Exotica (1994)

****

Sometimes a mood and a movie fit perfectly, resulting in a 'memorable' viewing experience. I've seen Exotica probably 4 times over the years, and each time, its been a different movie. The layers peeled back to reveal another not seen the first time. Well, I was in 'that' mood last night...really twisted up inside...and decided to put it on, mostly for background. I just wanted to be distracted. But I sat down, and from the opening title song...I was pulled in.

I forgot how hypnotic this film was. Part of me is at a loss for words because I'm tired, and part of me is at a loss simply because I don't think I can really do this film justice by talking about it. Its still haunting me.

testing, testing

Sometimes it feels like life gets tougher. Things come to a head. You reach one of those pivitol forks in the road and your life can go in any number of new directions. A lot of it is out of our hands. You may be tired, and weary…but still you have to face a ‘who/what/where/when/why’ decision that could drastically alter the path of your life.

I’m at that point right now.

Again.

Again.

I know I’m being tested. I can feel it. Even the fortune cookie told me so. I can see it in my eyes when I look in the mirror. I can sense it in the people around me. There are probably invisible rays shooting off me like some sort of lasers…piercing the air and anything in their path with sharp, pulsating daggers of strange mojo. I’m probably not a very fun person to be around right now. And I know I’m not making much sense when I talk. I’m all tongue tied and saying stuff I don’t mean or don’t mean to say. I’m stressed out…worn out…strung out…just out is what I am…but I feel the need to shake it off…to break through the wall this time. But I’m weak. Skin and bone. I don’t have it in me, and that's the truth. I barely make it though the day some days…and I’m expected to climb this new mountain? With a bruised heart….and a crazy head?

It makes me laugh. Its all I can do.

distance

something big

At this point in time, I am falling.

Farther away.

I know I will hit the ground.

But where?