truth

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

under my skin

"People wind me up."

decoy

Why does it feel like I'm being toyed with?  Like I'm actually nothing more than a toy to somebody.  It can't be true.  It just can't be.  Unconsciously?  Maybe.  But I really doubt it.  So why did everything that happened today feel like a big sham?  Like I was on TV and everything was a setup?  I honestly can't believe I'm thinking this.  I've had inklings in the past, but attributed that to self pity and petty feelings.  Bruised ego a little.  But after playing back everything that happened today...and, really, everything that's led up to today...I just have to scratch my head and ask 'what the fuck?'

Seriously.  What the fuck?

low

Today was an absolute waste of a day.  I know when I'm worn out and need a day off, but today was just...I couldn't get into anything.  I honestly could't tell you what I did today other than watch a few episodes of the Simpsons, play a couple of games of FIFA, and made an egg salad sandwich.  I may have watched a movie too, I'm not sure.  I'm stalling.

seeing stars

Today was a hard day.  I'm not going to feel good about today for a long time.  I really don't know if I should have gotten up to say something?  I regret that I didn't, but it's possible I may have felt the same way if I had.  The ugly side of my broken family showed up.  Emotions were very, very high.  It was uncomfortable.  It was also sad.  It makes me sad to know that there are those kind of hard feelings that not even the death of a loved one can help reconcile.  Something that has seemingly gotten progressively worse over the years, not better.  All because of a misunderstanding.  A case of broken telephone that was left untended for, fuck, 20-25 years?  More?  A bitterness that was kept hidden from me until my late teens, save for a little curiosity about an always absent/busy relative.

And now, when it should all be over and water under the bride...instead it is the end, and goodbye to that part of my family, and my life.  How terrible.

I loved my Aunt and Uncle very much.  They were always good to me, and I think, I was always good to them.  I took them for granted the same as any kids/teens do...but it was always a special occasion when we saw them.  I think, of everyone, I saw them the least...for a while I was avoiding them.  Not because I didn't like them, but because I was embarrassed of what I had become...or what I hadn't become.  That I'm not successful professionally is my greatest shame when it comes to my family.  My Uncle was always rooting for me, but like a father I felt like he was judging me, and was disappointed that I hadn't done more with my life.  Knowing his story, and how he made himself...I feel really fucking small right now.

So now this is about me, and how I haven't done jack in my life.  Fuck that.

Maybe it's about how lost I am right now, and how I'm losing the things that have kept me tethered to my life.  My reality is taking some serious hits right now.  I'm dazed.

mark

Deaths in the family.  Sick parent.  Old (eternal) flame's return.  Job drama.  Car trouble.  Low money.  Tired all the time.  How do I deal with all this at once?  How do I keep my emotions in check?  I've got to fake it.  I really have no other choice.  I have to be present for this.  It's going to be terribly difficult.  This will fly in the face of pretty much everything I've done the past 15 years...taking the hard road.  How do I keep the wheel straight?  Deep down, way down, I know I can do it.  I know I have it in me.  Where and how I find the fire to push me is the biggest question.  Being present helps.  Not deflecting.  Taking charge.  Owning the moment.  Look at this, I'm trying to hype myself up.  Terrible.

If not now, when?  All signs point to this being the moment.  The start.  It's just waiting for me to step up to the line.  I need to step up to the line.  

if only

Where?  Sitting on a bench in the middle of the afternoon in the sun.  Watching the cars go by.  Watching time.  Sitting on the bench by the stream.  Dogs and people.  Kids and parents.  Nets and strollers.  Food.  Drink.  Sweat.  All this and I still feel empty inside.

the worm

I'm always surprised by how fast things turn.  I shouldn't be, but I am.

fair territory

Just like old times.  The high before the crash.  Unfortunately, there is nobody like her.  Nobody else who turns me on the way she does.  Nobody I'd rather talk to.  I hope we can be friends.  The fact that we still genuinely enjoy each others company and conversation was a relief.  The fact she's changed quite a bit is a surprise.  She's fiercer.  Like a horse that's been spurred.  But still the same sweet, gentle, beautiful soul she's always been.  That's still there.  It's just not on full display like it used to be.  But, more important than anything else, I still care.  I really do.  I want the best her because her best is better than anything else.