red & white (& black)

I picked up the new White Stripes album yesterday after having two previous attempts thwarted by sold out stock. I popped the disk into my car and drove the 20 minutes home rocking out to ‘Icky Thump’ at full blast. To say I am quite satisfied with my purchase would be an understatement.

The album is great. I’ve heard it called ‘more of the same from the White Stripes’…but in the same breath they’ll add ‘but a little tighter and just as enjoyable’…and that pretty much sums it up. You get a little bit of everything Jack and Meg do well…a couple of grungy blues numbers, some neo metal/rock/county/blues twist ups, a few re-imagined old fashioned type tunes...and a little something 'different' too. Jack has always seemed to be more than willing to venture into new territory when it comes to the Stripes, but he’s also smart enough to tie a ribbon around his waist and leave a bread crumb trail leading back to where he’s been so as not to stray too far. Like many fans, I wrestle with not wanting the exact same record as before when buying a new album from an artist or a band that I am loyal to…while also wanting to feel like I’m still hearing the essence of the same band that I’ve liked so much. ‘Icky Thump’ for me, comes very close to being as perfect a ‘next step’ that the White Stripes could have taken. I certainly hope there is more to come. Jack has always made it clear that this ‘thing’ could end at any time…and with this ‘dream’ tour of Canada being undertaken as we speak, there is at least a chance that we may not see them ‘round these parts again. I hope not.

But if that were the case, then I’d at least have some musical accompaniment to help me through those “three hundred mile per hour, finger breaking, no answers makin', battered dirty hands, bee stung and busted up, empty cup torrential outpour blues…”

Standing Outside Yourself

Things with me are a little strange right now. After my little meltdown a couple of weeks ago I decided I needed to step outside of myself for a while. I needed to try a new perspective because clearly, the one I had been using was sending me hurtling down the mountain at 100 km/h…and I needed to slam on the breaks before I really got hurt.

So for the past week, I’ve been doing everything I can to numb myself and forget my life. I've just turned off. I’m really starting to feel beat down by life’s constant disappointments and figure I might as well just expect nothing. I know, I know…dissapointment is a part of life, and you have to be able to take the good with the bad, but when you feel like your life is a constant struggle, and the rewards you do recieve are of the dollar store variety, the bad really starts to loom large sometimes. Like a closet full of regrets and disappointments, at some point, you come to dread having to open it up to stuff one more 'loss' in there out of fear you may be overcome in an avalanche of pain.

Its getting so I can't bear to look anymore.

So, that’s where I am. I'm here...but I'm not really here. I’m feeling worn out, confused and tired…and stringing words together is just proving too difficult.

The Painted Veil

"As if a women has ever loved a man for his virtue."


***

I Found Egypt

I went for a drive yesterday, you know, one of those aimless staring-out-the-front-window-with-no-idea-where-you’re-headed drives? I just had to get out of my apartment and get away…somewhere. I pointed myself north and just drove…for about an hour…then made a right turn somewhere and drove for another 20 minutes of so. I passed through a small town called Egypt. Who knew? Egypt, Ontario. I scanned the horizon for pyramids...but all I saw were grain silos. The whole time I was driving, I was looking for a quiet, secluded park where I could stretch my legs and take in a few minutes of sun. That's it. But despite being surrounded on all sides by grass and trees and rocks and sky…it seemed like it was all fenced off…not a single sliver of land I could call my own for a moment of rest.

Finally, after almost giving up my search, I found a bypass road that cut between two farmers’ fields. I drove about half way down the road before slowing down and coming to a stop. I got out and all around me there was nothing but blue sky, bright sun and fields…quiet green and yellow fields. I took it in for a good 20 minutes…the calm…the stillness…the sounds of birds chirping the trees, insects in the grass, the warm sun on my face and arms and the soft wind rustling the leaves overhead.

Mush: Musings on Love Found, Love Lost and Love Unrequited

Have you ever had feelings for someone where there’s just something about the person that twists up your insides and turns you into a blubbering mess? Where you feel so strongly, yet, when you step outside of yourself and look at the situation, you feel like your insane for feeling the way you do? Have you ever had feelings for someone that just didn’t make sense? Someone you barely know…someone you’ve never spent any time with…someone who keeps you on the other side of the valley?

I have a hard time believing that there is such a thing as ‘love at first sight’…I believe that you can be attracted to someone instantaneously, but love is such a strong word for such a powerful emotion…I just don’t believe that something as strong and as complex as love can take over your consciousness in an instant.

But if there is a level just below love…I’ve been overwhelmed by its tidal wave once or twice in my life.

The first time was in High School. It was the first week of grade 9 and upon entering English class, I was told by some friends about this really ‘hot’ girl that was in someone’s French class. The way my friends were talking, it was if some supermodel was attending our school. Just then, she walked past us and into my next class…

“Aw man, you’re so lucky…she’s in your class dude!”

I didn’t get a good look at her, so I probably just shrugged, trying not to make a big deal of it, and walked into my class. I sat next to someone I knew from elementary school, and looked across the room and spotted the girl…I didn’t need anyone to point her out…and yes, she was stunning.

I ended up developing a pretty huge crush on this girl…along with half of my grade 9 class. This was around the time that Alicia Silverstone was breaking into pop culture with those Aerosmith video’s and the ironically titled 'The Crush'…and this girl looked quite similar…later on, when I became friends with this girl, I came to realize how rough being ‘objectified’ by all those horny teenagers had been, and how it had affected her, and I felt bad about my initial crush…not ‘too’ bad, because, well, I’ve always prided myself on being a gentleman and have tried not to ogle or partake in any of the other crass, obvious behavior guys will sometimes do when they spot someone who’s easy on the eyes...but still, I wasn't an innocent either.

Nevertheless…I had a pretty wicked crush on this girl, as did one of my good buddies…and it lasted all they way until grade 11…when I once again had a class with her…actually 2...only this time, we ended up sitting right next to each other in both. Over the course of that semester, I really got to know her, not just as the ‘pretty face’ or as the ‘cool chick who I had a crush on’…but as the truly unique, intelligent, funny, wild, opinionated, stubborn, amazing person that she was. She just happened to be an attractive girl too. By this time, I guess all the pressures of being an ‘it girl’ in High School had started to make her jaded…and she began to withdraw from the main social circles in our High School. We hung out a couple of times that year, ate lunch, worked together on a few assignments…and I went from having a crush, to truly admiring and respecting this girl…sure, I was still attracted to her, but it had evolved past the simple ‘physical attratction’ stage and become something…more.

The last 2 years of High School, I didn’t see ‘the girl’ much…I had a couple of classes with her, but by this time, she wasn’t really hanging out with anyone at school and was dating guys from 'out of town'. I’d occasionally go out of my way to track her down in the hall to see how she was, ask what was new, but I knew our relationship would probably never be more than a friendship…so I essentially let her go. However, in one final act, she proved to me that I had indeed meant something to her.

In the last month of High School, I was called down to the V.P.’s office and told that I had been nominated for Valedictorian of our graduating class. Truly amazed (Valedictorian is almost always a popularity contest, one I knew I had no right winning) I was shown the ‘nomination’ form and what had been said about me…and who it was who had nominated me. I’m sure you can guess who it was. And it still, to this day, is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about me or done for me. I hadn’t been wrong about her. I later thanked her for the nomination, and while I didn’t win (huge conspiracy…votes thrown out…new ballot with 3 names (including mine) not on it…) its something I still remember fondly.

I haven’t seen ‘the girl’ since the last week of High School…that was almost 10 years ago. We’ve been in touch a couple of times, and each time, its awkward for me because, while I am certainly ‘over’ her and those feelings I once had…I still haven’t met anyone quite like her…and it makes me wonder if, in fact, it really was love at first sight, and I was just too foolish to believe it?

I’ve been in a couple of (not many I’m afraid) relationships that were fun, fulfilling and, at times, loving during and since High School…I’ve even had the inkling of the feeling I remember having when I still knew ‘the girl’ once or twice since then…one of the girls I worked with for 2 summers while I was at University reminded me of ‘her’…she was vibrant, full of life, and sharp as a whip…she was awesome…but she was seeing someone at the time, so we just were ‘friends’. Such has been my luck for most of my adult life. Meet someone special…find out that some lucky guy met her first.

So why am I telling you this? Why am I feeling so nostalgic? Well, the truth is, someone has come into my life (if you can call it that) who I admire and feel for much the same way I did ‘the girl’. Only, instead of it being someone I see everyday, and talk to regularly, she’s, in face-to-face terms, a stranger. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get to know her while keeping my feet on the ground…trying to keep my wits about me…not letting myself get carried away...reminding myself constantly that to get all wrapped up in something so unbelievable…so incredibly silly…is to have the blindfold wrapped around my eyes...ready for the firing squad to take aim at my heart once again. But I really like this girl. Its a totally different situation than the one I found myself in all those years ago...yet the feeling is hauntingly similar.

Maybe all it is is just a crush…a silly bout of infatuation with someone who may, or may not be the person I think they are? Maybe I’m just lonely and I’m projecting the best parts of the most special people who’ve come into my life on her…unfairly? Maybe I’m in way over my head, and will soon have the rug of fantasy pulled out from under me? Or maybe...maybe I'm trying to talk myself out of it to protect myself from the inevitable rejection that, I can only assume, is on its way...when really I should just believe in myself...and in her...and not assume anything.

As tortured and as broken up as I feel right now…its been a long time since I’ve even come close to feeling this way…and its reminded me just how much power and influence our emotions...my emotions...can have over our lives…over me...and there’s something about this feeling that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world…despite the pain. I know I wouldn't feel this way if I didn't think I was being so stupid and irrational...but then...can there be such a thing as 'stupid' and 'irrational' when it comes to describing our emotions?

I’m doing everything I can to pull myself together…to ‘get real’ and ‘snap myself out of it’...but its hard because part of me doesn't want to. Some days I'm fine...other days, its as if I'm surrounded on all sides by 100 foot billboards of her...as they slowly close in all around me. The situation is, to be sure, very complicated...dizzyingly so sometimes...and my feelings being what they are, and the distance between us being what it is, it feels like I’m driving headlong into a brick wall day after day after day…and the odd time I’m able to break through said wall…I, in my amazment at getting over/around/through the wall, invariably, and quite subconsciously, wildly jerk the wheel all over the place, losing control, and crashing into a ditch somewhere…and by the time I’m back on the road…that big brick wall is right back in front of me. And its the fact that I do it to myself…that I'm the one ultimately responsible for tripping myself up and scuffing my chin...that really kills me. I try too hard sometimes…I want so bad to be understood...to be seen for the person that I really am inside...and it comes from such a pure, innocent place that it just kills me that I can’t harness it…that I can’t take the parts and build a whole that shines the way I want it to shine. Instead, like some pig, I end up rolling around in my own muck...covering myself in shit and more shit.

No…I am indeed the saboteur of my own shattered existence. As much as I want to hold on and hold out hope that the tide will one day turn for me, and I'll finally break through...all this chaos has got me asking...

“What am I going to do with myself?”

"You've Been Excused"

Well…I learned today that I am, in fact, not on the jury. (sigh of relief)

Oh, I had been selected to be a juror…along with 8 other people…for 5 spots. They didn't tell me that. After sitting around for a good 10-15 minutes with the other jurors…we were called in one at a time. After the fifth name had been called, and nobody answered, the Constable in charge read the 6th name…mine. However, after going over what was expected of us, I asked a simple question.

“Will we be out of here at 4:30 everyday like it says in the summons?”

“Probably not, why is that a problem?” was the reply

“Well, I’m not being paid for this, and I can’t get time off from work, so I have to work at night so I can, you know, eat, pay rent…and I’ve been scheduled to start work at 5:00pm while I’m here. I can be a few minutes late…but if its going to be a regular occurrence…”

I could sense where this was going…

“Well, I wish you had brought this to my attention before…”

“Well, nobody asked me...”

“Alright, I’ll have to go talk to the coroner…”

Sure enough, about 2 minutes later, I was called out of the jury’s chambers and told that this did constitute a conflict, so I was being ‘demoted’ to an alternate and someone else would take my place.

Aw shucks!

So, some big bearded guy named Shelly or something was called in to replace me. We were told to wait around, then sit in the back of the courtroom until the jury was sworn in…and then we were free to leave.

So that’s it…that’s my jury duty experience. Part of me was a little disappointed that I wasn’t going to get the chance to sit on a jury and experience a police inquiry from the good seats…but deep down, I’m quite relieved that I don’t have to do this. The next two weeks were looking awfully daunting with this and work creating some brutal 14-15 hour days…and as someone who isn’t very good at blindly conforming, and who doesn't always work well in groups, I found the whole inquiry process very rigid and, well, I just don’t think I would have had much fun.

Plus, as I found out today, I would not have been able to post anything about the inquiry on my blog…nothing…or else I would have been potentially guilty of contempt of court…so, you’re not missing out on anything because I got the heave-ho.

Hopefully, justice is served…I’m sure its in 5 (other) capable sets of hands.

Jury Duty

I start my 2 weeks of jury duty tomorrow. I’m not sitting on a trial, but a police inquest. Instead of 12 jurors, there are only 5 of us. And instead of just sitting there for 2 weeks listening, and then rendering a ‘verdict’…we get to ask questions and make ‘recommendations’. It’s a lot less pressure than a trial, in so far as were not putting anyone in prison…but still, it’s a pretty heavy responsibility…especially considering the circumstances of the inquest. (woman found hanging in her jail cell).

Now, I have to be careful what I reveal to the public, as I am under some restrictions. I’m not allowed to talk about details of the deliberations between me and the other jurors, nor am I allowed to reveal how I ultimately ‘vote’ so as to maintain the credibility of the jury’s decision. However, since it will be taking up a large chunk of my life for the next two weeks, and because, frankly, I’ve got nothing else worthwhile to talk about, I’ll be posting some of my thoughts here.

Apocalypse Now {Redux}

“Never get out of the boat. Absolutely Goddamn right.”


*****

Its a girl!

No...not me...haven't you been following along? Me? A kid? No, the congratulations are for my good buddy J, author of the wonderful Disposable Chronicles, and his wife M-E on the birth of their first child...a baby girl. J was a really good friend and roommate of mine in University (as you may have already read) and the fact that he is now a father just totally blows my mind. Ka-Boom! Interestingly, upon hearing the news and reading J’s quick recap of the first moment he got to hold his baby daughter in his arms, I think I ‘grew up’ myself a good 4-5 years. Lets call it 'baby' fallout. The fact that both J and I were on similar paths not so long ago, and now find ourselves at virtually opposite ends of the spectrum of adulthood has really stopped me cold in my tracks. Its not that I’m wasting my life…J was always destined to be a husband and father, while I, I just haven’t found what I’m looking for yet…but shit, I can’t think of anything more amazing, more awe inspiring than creating another life, one that you will care for and look after, essentially, for the rest of your own. You hear it all the time…but that moment changes your life…and changes you. I believe J completely when he says that the self serving vices and distractions of the past have seemingly melted from his consciousness as he now gazes upon a life that is, at this moment in time, utterly dependant on him. Knowing J as I do, he’s not going to let that little girl down...its just not an option. Neither will her mother for that matter. That girl is one lucky kid.

I'm incredibly proud and happy for my friend. Congratulations brother!

A Little (More) Ultraviolence

I’ve been thinking a lot about my last post…and why I feel the way I do about horror movies, and I’m at the point where I think I’m wrong to think the way I do. Not 100% wrong…but clearly my bias and personal feelings have clouded my judgment…so in an attempt to see things from the other side, I’m going to try and point out some of the reasons why I may not have it right…

a) Context: Sure, I witnessed a pretty violent and exploitative clip from the new Hostel 2 movie, but without context, who am I really to judge. I say this because yesterday, at the mall, I was looking at DVD’s when I came across a cult classic from 1970, ‘El Topo’ by Alejandro Jodorowski. I won’t give you a lengthy synopsis, but suffice to say, there was a lot of blood, violence, some nudity, and even a scene with a ‘slave’ being hung upside down and shot. Of course, my stance being what it was with Hostel 2, you’d think I would have been appalled by what I saw…but it was the opposite. The film was as visionary, philosophical, bizarre and surreal as anything I’ve seen in a long time…and I thoroughly enjoyed it. All the blood, violence and nudity had a reason for it being there...as much reason as the words. So maybe what I need to do is sit down and watch the entire movie before I make a judgment call like the one I did in my first post.

b) Its Nothing New: Jason and Freddy have been slicing and dicing people up for over 20 years…and while I was never a fan, I certainly didn’t label those films, or the people who watched them as ‘disgusting’…so why should I start now? Yes, I am older and more mature…and with my background in Media Studies I am much more in tune with the influences and effect film/tv/music/culture can have on young (and sometimes old) people…but if I can sit down and enjoy an ‘odd’ existential film with lots of blood and weirdness and not go off the deep end, then who am I to say that John and Jane Doe shouldn’t be able to enjoy a gory horror movie if that’s what they’re into?

c) Evolving Tastes: The truth is, things that were taboo and not talked about 20-30 years ago are much more mainstream and accepted today. Violent, unrelenting blood and gore horror movies are box office hits, reality TV has blurred the lines of what is entertainment, porn stars are virtually mainstream celebrities, and the sex lives and ‘troubles’ of our favourtie celebrities is front page news. It seems, to me, that we live in a society too busy to care whether something is truly offensive or not. Oh sure, people will make noise and complain when Marilyn Manson comes to town, or the next 50 Cent video premiers on MTV…but we live in such a P.C. world these days that we almost expect there to always be someone who thinks something is offensive…so we sort of roll our collective eyes and ignore it. ‘The problem isn’t as bad as they make it out to be.’ Well, maybe it is, and maybe it isn’t…I’m sure the same was being said in the 70’s when movies like Taxi Driver, Apocolypse Now, The Shining and Easy Rider and bands like The Doors, The Velvet Underground and Jefferson Airplane were ‘offending’ all the ‘normals’ and sending them into a tizzy. I guess, when its all said and done, things never change. Hell…I remember the vibe I got from my parents when they first realized I was into Public Enemy…

d) Its Up To The Parents: In Canada, and the United States, we have what is called freedom of speech. This freedom is perhaps one of the most important freedoms we have, for it allows us to explore life from all angles…from the highest peak, to the darkest corner…and share our findings with the general public. And while not everyone wants to travel to the darkest corners, or wants to know what resides in them, for those people to say its not right to go to those places…well, who are they to tell me what I can and can’t do? Personally, I feel as long as your not hurting someone else, or propagating clearly immoral, evil beliefs, then we as human beings should be able to do/act/create what we wish. If it offends other people…ask why? Human beings are not all made the same. Society may wish that everyone acted the same, talked the same and bought the same products…and while many, many people have blindly jumped in and been taken away by the current, there are still many, many free thinkers out there exploring, digging, attempting to find treasure where others say there is none. I am one of those people. I’ve been told that I’m wasting my time…that I’m throwing away my future…but I’m not like everybody else…I just cant fall in line…not when the line is so straight and I can’t see where it goes. I’ll carve my own path thankyouverymuch. I've lived long enough to have earned that right. For those not old enough to make those sorts of life decisions...that's why kids have parents. Trust me, I know its a lot to ask of parents considering the pace of modern life...but if you care about your kids, you'll make the effort to understand and censor what your children watch as you see fit. If you don't care that your 8 year old's hero is Jigsaw from the Saw movies...then you won't care if he hogties one of his friends in your basement during a game of 'Haunted House'? Right?

So…I’m still not sure where I stand on this subject…I guess I’m willing to tolerate movies like Hostel and the like…I don’t have to watch them…but I wish we were more willing to dig a little deeper and find out why we choose the entertainment we do…why we feel the need for ‘bloodlust’…why we slow down to take a peak at a car wreck…and why we’re disgusted one minute when we hear a gruesome story on the news, and the next, were waiting in line to watch the same story re-enacted on the big screen?

A Little Ultraviolence

I don’t know what it is about horror films that rubs me the wrong way, but I just can’t stand them! I was surfing some movie sites yesterday and came across an ‘early’ clip of Hostel 2 and decided to see what it was. Now, I’m clearly biased against horror movies…I just don’t watch them...but I’m more than willing to admit when I’ve enjoyed a good scare (Alien, Event Horizon…even Wrong Turn was enjoyable) so I thought I’d give it a chance. I’m quite familiar with movies in general, and even if I haven’t seen many horror movies, I am well aware that many of them these days are now rampant with gratuitous and borderline grotesque gore, sex and violence…movies like the Saw trilogy, Hostel, House of 1000 Corpses, The Hills Have Eyes, Turistas etc…so I thought I knew what to expect.

I was wrong.

I’m not going into details, but seeing a naked woman gagged and hanging by her feet upside down being sliced by another naked woman wielding a sickle just strikes me as…well…wrong. To me, there’s an underlying wickedness permeating these movies…a sort of sinister detachment, where the directors/creators push the boundaries of what is acceptable in the name of entertainment…when the realities and consequences of encroaching on and crossing these boundaries is unknown and, in many ways, ignored. I think most troubling of all is the fact that its human on human violence. Seeing an alien life form rip someone to shreds, an inbred monster running around with a chainsaw or a zombie feeding on someone’s brain is one thing…but to see Joe Smith torture Jane Doe with a blowtorch as she screams for her life…there’s just something ‘off’ about it.

Now I’m not going to get all Christian Right on you…I believe very strongly in freedom of speech and artistic freedom…but I just think that sometimes these freedoms are intentionally perverted by people too blinded by their own greed, ambition and agenda’s to truly appreciate the gravity of what they are putting out into the world. Speaking for myself, I’m a big fan of Quentin Tarantino, Martin Scorsese and David Lynch…three directors who themselves push the envelop as it pertains to violence and the taboo…so I’m no innocent. I just think that where films like Taxi Driver, Blue Velvet and Pulp Fiction walk up to the line and maybe linger around it, but are clearly fueled by an artistic vision of some sort…films like Hostel or The Green River Killer for example, for me at least, are simply shock and awe devices meant to burn graphic images into the viewers head…a cheap thrill if you will. And maybe that’s just it. Fast food in film form?

Maybe I just need to lighten up a bit? Maybe I’m just no fun? I mean, Silence of the Lambs was a pretty twisted tale, and it swept the Oscars the year it came out? Maybe there isn’t anything wrong with horror movies at all…maybe I’m missing out?

What do you think?

To be continued...