"Stay Out Of Malibu Lebowski!"

I decided to head into town to grab lunch at the local greasy spoon/burger joint on Monday…and after finishing what was a great burger, I looked across the street at a place I used to frequent weekly in my younger days…the local bowling alley.



That’s right, I was a bowler. For 3 years I bowled in a youth league (2 with my brother) and although I was hardly what you would consider good, I did manage to raise my average from year 1 to year 2 enough to garner the ‘most improved bowler’ trophy which is still, to this day, one of my prouder accomplishments captured in trophy form. I bowl 10 pin only, and I’d have to say that I bowl anywhere between 120-160…usually on the lower end of that scale. If you’re a good bowler, you in the 160-200 range.



Anyway, I had some time (and a few extra bucks in my pocket) so I drove over and went in. Walking in there was like walking through a time warp…the place looked and ‘felt’ just like it did in the early 90’s…which I’m sure is how it felt in the 60’s and 70’s too. Pictures on the wall of the ‘stars’ of yesteryear, dudes with mustaches who bowled a 300, winners of the 1977 Provincial Midget Boys Championship. There is something timeless about old bowling alleys, and the ‘regulars’ that frequent them. Often times, these people are old, round, and a little ‘socially awkward’…but I say that with respect, partly because I myself am socially awkward, and partly because they just seem like nice people. Its as if bowling alleys are the designated safe havens for the geeks, oddities and outcasts of society…like the club is for cougars and players…and the bar is for drunks and blowhards. This is their home base, and bowling is their sport.



The game itself kind of makes me laugh at its simplicity. Roll a heavy black ball down a lane, and try to knock down all the pins. Do it again to clean up any leftovers. Repeat 10 times. Very simple, yet there is an art to it. It can be played alone, with a friend, with a team, against a team, just for fun or taken seriously. It’s a very adaptable sport when you think of it. You can be shit, and still have fun. Now I don’t have any skills when it comes to bowling, I roll the ball as straight as I can, at a bit of an angle, and hope. The pro’s, they’ve got that handshake, spin the ball release where the ball hugs the gutter before grabbing hold of the wood and spinning into the center pin with crazy force. I can’t do that! I don’t think I’ll ever take bowling serious enough to learn that ‘release’, but as it is, I’m not bad.



I paid for 2 games…and then tacked on another one for a total of 3. The first game was to get the rust off…and I was pretty bad. 1 strike, 1 spare, and a lot of open frames = 105. I was just glad to break 100.

The second game was not much better, though I did manage to score a couple more spares…and rolled a 118.

However, the third game was pretty good. I started to get my ‘feel’ back for the ball, and got into a bit of a rhythm. I started off with a strike, and proceeded to either strike or spare 7 of the 10 frames. I finished up with a 153, which is a good score for me…not great, but good considering it had been about a year since I last played. The whole thing took about an hour and 15 minutes, and I had a good time. I forgot about my problems for an hour, I took a nostalgic trip down memory lane, and I had fun trying to think of cool people who actually bowl…and could only think of 3…and they’re all fictional.

I’m probably going to go again next week…hopefully I can beat my 3 game score from Monday.

Baby Onboard...

My sincere and happy congratulations to my friend and former roommate J and his wife M-E on the news they are expecting their first child. I’ve only known J about 8 years (give or take) but I was around when he and M-E were starting out, and to see two people who seemed meant for each other and so deeply committed to each other come this far is a very nice and inspiring thing to see...and in my humble opinion, it couldn’t have happened to a cooler guy. J has been a good friend, both in our younger, more reckless days and in adulthood (his, not mine) despite our proximity to each other, and I just know he is going to be a great Dad, and M-E a great Mom.

A toast…to the father and mother to be!


just for you buddy!

Saturday Night Cartoon

Quick Getaway...

It was nearly 11:00 pm last night when I started to get a little stir crazy. My stomach was rumbling and I was in that half asleep, half wide-awake headspace, lying on my bed in total silence, just staring at the ceiling. TV was offering more of the same…utter crap for the unenlightened…and I was sick of it. I was restless and I needed to get out! I let Roland the Stableman know that I’d be taking the old girl out for a spin and to have her ready (ok not really…). I grabbed my coat, my keys, my wallet and a few loose coins and locked the front door behind me.

And there she was…like she always is…waiting for me patiently like the loyal chariot she has become. I hopped in and turned over the engine. Her soft rumble enveloped me as I waited for her to ‘warm up’…(nice work Roland!)…and when the windshield had sufficiently cleared, we were off, just me and her…a cold night and the open road.

I love it at night when there are no cars on the road…when the sky covers the horizon in a soft black curtain, leaving you with an illuminated view of immediate surroundings and a faint hint at the rest. Sometimes I drive with the stereo turned up…lost in the music of my youth, or perhaps even new tunes to swim in. Other times I turn the stereo off completely, alone with my thoughts, the hypnotic pattern of the street lamps and the rumble of the engine. Weaving between the yellow lines, things are always clearer at night…alone on the road...a giant black canvas on which to paint your trail. You’re still very much in the here and now, because one wrong glance or one wandering eye at the wrong time…and crash…so you’re focused…but driving at night, with no real agenda or fixed destination allows me to escape, even if just for an hour…to hop into my own private (now warm) bubble and leave everything behind. To actually feel in complete control of something…anything…that despite all the tension and turmoil, I can still put my hands on the wheel and steer. Sometimes I think about just up and driving away and never looking back…but I know better than that…I know how quickly that feeling fades mid flight, just like I know I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, not as long as there are bills to pay, and bank accounts to fill…hours to work, friends to talk to and a warm bed waiting for me when I finally decide to turn around and come home.

There can be no real escape from this…such is my life…but as I sit here the next morning, I feel less and less like running away, and more and more like sticking around to see what lies beneath the next unturned stone. Life is as confusing as ever these days…but as my head spins, my soul does not…and I know its because I’m slowly starting to understand. But just in case, if I’ve got to make a run for it, its nice to know that I’ve got a getaway car…and she’s got a good motor and at least a half a tank of gas.

As for Roland...he's fired!



mine is blue...just like me...

For Today I Am...

Reality Check

Not a whole lot to write about today, but I figured I'd challenge myself and post 'something'. I was in a bit of a weird zone today. I had quite a bit to do before punching in for a 7 hour shift at 5…take the car to the local scrap yard to get my trunk fixed, walk home, do some cleaning, make lunch, eat, walk back to the scrap yard, pick up my car…drive 15 minutes to the closest 'open' bank with an ATM…withdraw the man's money…drive back, pay the man, come home, shower, get dressed, go to work…stand on my feet for 7 hours and then drive home.

And here I am…sitting with computer in lap, at 1:22…still zoned out…not tired, but not 'awake' either…just sort of…up. I've been doing a lot of thinking today, and soul searching, and to be honest, I like what I've found. I'm learning to really practice what I preach…not letting the small things that I have little to no control over get to me…allowing myself to put my own personal feelings aside to be happy for someone else…not let the shit going on at work weigh on me. I'm learning that life is a crapshoot sometimes, and sometimes things just don't work out the way you'd like…but that quite often, its for a good reason. It used to really bug me, like I was the one being hard-done-by…that life was ganging up on me…that I must have done something in some past life that I'm paying for in this one…but I'm starting to realize, with the help of Buddhism, wisdom and maturity, that putting it all on you only helps the negative cycle to continue. As much as we all want happiness for ourselves, seeing people we like or are friends with enjoying life, and being happy, can bring happiness to our lives…and if we let ourselves be happy, and smile, then that energy will somehow translate into our own life.

Seeing my buddy, who I was best friends with for a number of years in High School and after University, married, working on painting and fixing up the house he just bought…the look on his face, and the 'vibe' of contentment that was radiating off him was nice to see. Yes, I was jealous, and a little envious, as we had a bit of a falling out over a failed business venture that probably set me back a few years personally and professionally…but those feelings paled in comparison to the notion that I knew this is what he's always wanted, and where he's always wanted to be…and to see him there, actually living it was a good feeling. If he can make it…

Hearing about someone of the opposite sex who I've come to know and was starting to become interested in enter into a new relationship might have been a big bummer for me in the past…and my initial gut feeling was the old stand by of 'ahhhh, shit...lucky me!'…but after thinking on it, and having this person be as gracious, honest and sweet about it as they were, it was very easy for me to put my own biases aside and be genuinely happy for her. If I like this person, why wouldn't I want positive things for her? Who am I to feel hard-done-by…it really has nothing at all to do with me…I'm just some dude she barely knows. This news doesn't change a single thing in so far as how I see this person…so why should I get all sour? She's still the same person, and I still think she's cool. And when I look at it like that, it's a lot easier to be happy for her…and that makes me happy.

Or reading about the escapades of another friend, enjoying her newfound freedom, sprouting wings and floating on a cloud of good vibes as she and her friends hop from one fun spot to another…getting ready to fly off to Europe and Australia…yes, I could be envious…but I'm not…because I know she deserves it, and that she's the type of person who can and will get more out of a situation like that than I would…because I'm just not that way inclined…at least, not in my current state. To want to be there, included in the fun would just be selfish and a bit of a lie. Sure, it'd be fun to cut loose and have a good time, but they're not my friends, they're hers…just like I'm sure she would not have had fun sitting in my buddies basement for 7 hours watching football, drinking beer (and way too much root beer), eating KFC, talking about football, life, the old days and how badly I ripped my boy Jon off in a trade in our Fantasy Football league. Then again…I don't think there is anyone reading this who is envious of that story…

So, the point I'm trying to make is that, yes, I am far from where I want to be in life compared to the people I know. Many of my friends are now married, some have kids, houses, mortgages, full-time careers (not 'jobs' like me)…and are well on their way to their vision of happiness. Part of me does wish that I could have all that too…to not be so far behind…but the other part of me knows that I'm not ready for, or capable of these things yet…it's a dream…and someone else's dream at that. I've got to work on my dream, and take things one day at a time…putting myself in the right frame of mind to start working towards what it is I really want.

Now…if only I knew what I really wanted...

I said I c-c-c-couldnt hit it sideways...

...just like Sister Ray says!

A Bakers Dozen (Death & Taxes)

"Death row is a state of mind." - Doris Ann Foster

"Make sure to send a lazy man the angel of death." - Jewish Proverb

"Born free, taxed to death." - Unknown

"Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile initially scared me to death." - Betty Bender

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." - Isaac Asimov

"Desire is half of life, indifference is half of death." - Kahlil Gibran

"Many people die at twenty five and aren't buried until they are seventy five." - Benjamin Franklin

"Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them." - Edward W. Howe

"Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow." - Mahatma Gandhi

"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic." - Joseph Stalin

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." - Albert Pike

"A new idea is delicate. It can be killed by a sneer or a yawn; it can be stabbed to death by a joke or worried to death by a frown on the right person's brow." - Charles Brower

"Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it." - W. Somerset Maugham

Untitled

Bang Bang...Your Dead

I picked up the new Sean Lennon CD, Friendly Fire last night and gave it a run through in the car…I like it. It’s no Into The Sun (great, great album)…for this one, Mr. Lennon Jr. takes inspiration from a past break up that resulted when his long time girlfriend decided to cheat on him with one of his best friends…so that ‘I hate your guts you stupid bitch’ vibe permeates the entire album, but in typical Lennon fashion, he’s turned it on its head a bit.

The first song, Dead Meat, is a great example of this. Light, airy…soft piano…singing ‘Don’t you know you’re dead meat…you’ll get what you deserve’. It does get old on 1 or 2 of the songs…but Sean mixes things up enough that it doesn’t feel like one long break up letter. Dead Meat, Friendly Fire, On Again Off Again and Headlights are my early favourites.

Glad I picked this up…and if you’re a fan of Sean Lennon’s, you probably will be too…even if he is a bit of a yuppie, celebrity-friend-name-dropping art boy elitists...but that’s probably just the jealousy talking.

=P

* Just to add...the CD comes with a seperate DVD that includes a video for each song (more like mini-films). The 4 that I've seen are all quite good, and from what I can tell they are all linked in some way, so it really brings home the whole 'concept album' feel of the record...plus its great to get something like that extra for your $19.99.

Food Court Press

Recoiling in despair, I sit surrounded by talking bodies and cooked flesh…the turmoil in my soul drowned out by the teenaged riot at the next table.

Old faces munching on sustenance, young babies crying out for more. My heart remains caught in a vacuum, stuck in a perpetual state of withdrawal.

Only my soul knows the location of the key to unlock this monstrous gate.

Caught in the crossfire, anyone who comes to know me now is destined to forget, as I have. No longer do I pulse with energy, now I simply exist…like a zombie in a forest clearing, staring at all sides with nowhere to go. Delight at my circumstance…as I dance a jig with the demon himself. He hovers over me like a swarm of magnets.

Alone, I am but a conduit for empty feelings and thoughts. In person, I am a cool ghost wrapped in a cloak of petulance and broken glass…stay away! radiates from me like a sonar signal, indecipherable to the naked ear…but felt nevertheless.

Nevermind...

While angry hordes of young ego’s scream for attention loud and proud, they voice their being with foul lips and twisted ball caps…big coats and heavy chains. Decoration or protection? Everyone wants to stand out the same. All striving for the perfect balance of cool and right. Oh how we all want to be right.

Something will come. Nervous insides twist and curl up into a bitter ball in my chest. A pulsating core. Tired arms, tired eyes, tired heart…sleep won’t save me now. I’m as uncomfortable as I’ve ever been, but I feel right at home…alone on my plastic island.

Mission to Control...

over...over............over?

Remember...

"And they who for their country die shall fill an honored grave, for glory lights the soldier's tomb, and beauty weeps the brave." ~ Joseph Drake

Thank you.

Blue & Yellow

I needed some space today. And some fresh air. Knowing full well that I wasn’t going to be afforded either at work, I decided to drive into town early…but take one hell of a detour. I stopped a couple of times, hopped out of my car and took a picture or two. I stopped by the ‘great’ Cathedral…still under construction…looking more and more like an ugly albatross of 80’s excess…complete with cracked concrete and empty interior but for a pulpit and about 100 disposable wood chairs, you know the ones…the ones your teacher got to sit on during assembly’s when you were on the gym floor? Pathetic. The place broke ground in 1985 and the only thing they seemed to have added to it since its initial construction is 3 gold domes. Big deal. Now the whole area around it is being suburbanized…and soon the natural vistas it once enjoyed will be replaced by rows and rows of townhouses and Honda’s in driveways. Inspiring! I remember being told when I was a kid that a Cathedral takes anywhere between 100-200 years to fully complete. I guess I never actually believed that to be the case…but as it stands now, its only function is as a place for generous contributions and basket donations to be swallowed whole…arm and all. I guess I won’t see it finished in my lifetime. Yawn…

I was particularly struck today with the colour yellow…and its prevalence everywhere at this time of year. Fields of gold…withering corn fields…the 1000 different shades the sun turns over the course of a day…week…month…plants and trees beginning their winter slumber, turning yellow before they go brown and bare…those shiny domes on the top of the Cathedral towers.

So it was a pleasant and perhaps fateful surprise that upon walking into a Chapters, I stumbled upon this book…



I think it was because of my being so tuned into the colour today that I spotted the cover out of the hundreds staring back at me. That…or cosmic intervention. The fact I vaguely recognized the painting on the front as being one by Vincent van Gogh made it doubly interesting. Here’s what made me part with $30 to take it home with me…

“From October to December of 1888, Paul Gauguin shared a yellow house in the south of France with Vincent van Gogh. Never before or since have two such towering artists occupied so small a space. They were the Odd Couple of art history – one calm, the other volatile – and the denouement of their living arrangement was explosive. Two months after Gauguin arrived in Provence, van Gogh suffered a psychological crisis that culminated in his cutting off part of an ear. He was institutionalized for most of the rest of his life and never saw Gauguin again.

During the brief, exhilarating period they worked together in Arles, these not-yet-famous artists created a stream of masterpieces within the shared studio – including Van Gogh’s Sunflowers, which decorated Gauguin’s bedroom wall.

Making use of new evidence and Van Gogh’s voluminous correspondence, Martin Gayford describes not only how these two hallowed artists painted and exchanged ideas, but also the texture of their everyday lives. He tells us what they cooked and how they budgeted their meager finances and entertained themselves, and he movingly relates their inner fears and dreams. Gayford also makes a persuasive analysis of Van Gogh’s mental illness – the probable bipolar affliction that led him to commit suicide at the age of thirty-seven. ‘The Yellow House’ is a singular biographical work, as dramatic and vibrant as the artists’ pictures.”

After reading a paragraph that I randomly flipped to…I knew. The fact that I love Van Gogh’s work, and can deeply relate to his struggle…while also sharing the same birthday (I love that sort of stuff…and he’s the only talented person I know who shares my b-day)…you can see why I am excited to read this book. Sometimes it’s as if things really do happen for a reason.

If the book is 1/10th as good as I think it will be, then I most certainly know of at least one person who I will strongly recommend it to. But considering the great company I find myself around these days, I’m sure you might all enjoy picking up this little gem.
So now I’m sitting in my typing chair, getting ready to settle down to a quiet night of reading and sleep. Thanks to my drive, and an uneventful day at work, I’m not feeling nearly as blue as I have been the past few days…right now, at this moment, it’s all yellow.

Na na na na...na na na na...

"You know...its not so much that the War is going poorly...its that its not going according to God's plan. I know...I don't get it either?"


Today is a good day. No matter how I'm feeling (like shit...thanks for asking), or how my day at work went (pretty good actually...yourself?). Today is a good day because U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, COO of the war in Iraq, is done. Finally. The fact that nobody said anything when this guy was re-hired by Bush Jr. in the first place was weird...but hey, Bush wasn't the sharpest pencil in the drawer, so everyone probably just let it slide. Then Iraq went down...and down...and down...and we got pictures of 'tortured' prisoners and grinning US Soldiers saying ‘cheese!’ Still…Bush stood by his man, despite outcry from the public, both in America and the rest of the world. Now…only after the Democrats were desperately voted into office by a sick and paranoid American Public…does George W. finally get the hint. Outrageous. I mean…its almost criminal.


"Alright...alright everybody...just sit the fuck down, and I'll get to your assinine questions when I feel ready!"

But I’m not going to look back. I’m going to look forward…forward to a time where America starts to readjust it’s collar…before it hangs itself. The Conservative Revolution is over…(for now)…lets just hope that the Democrats can keep it ‘above board’ and do what the people actually voted them in to do.

I'm just glad I won't have to look at the many repulsive faces, and hear the lies of S.O.D. Donald Rumsfeld anymore!

"Now you listen here...I'm the boss...so like it, or lump it kiddo!"

Not anymore, jackass!

Ouch (Technical Difficulties)...

It's all in your head...

In my quest to find true balance in my life, and to try and settle the storm that is brewing in my soul, I am 'teaching myself' Buddhism in search of some guidance. The thing about Buddhism that appeals to me is that it's a 'do it yourself' religion. You don't have to go to church every Sunday, join a flock, and listen to someone else preach what it means to be 'whatever'. You just read the text, and attempt to extrapolate what will help you from it…and its very low pressure and very personal. The text I'm reading links Buddhism very closely to psychology...and doesn't pretend to hide that fact. Honesty and awareness...interesting concept don't you think?

Now I could just keep this all to myself, like I normally would do…but I thought that since I have such a captive audience (cough, cough) that I'd impart some of what I have been able to take away from readings…and share some of the more profound bits of wisdom on offer with you.

Today, I was focusing on the importance of Mental Discipline…and how critical it is for someone to be able to attain their goals in life...within the context of the religion. The three main aspects of Mental Discipline are Right Effort, Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration.

Right Effort involves preventing evil and unwholesome states of mind from arising and ridding oneself of such unwholesome states of mind that have already arisen. Things like greed, anger, lust, jealousy. This necessitates generating the will for this to happen, and a single-minded application to the task. This is not easy to do…and is something I have struggled with, but I'm starting to feel like I'm coming around.

Right Mindfulness provides the context for Right Effort. It relates to the here and now. It is concerned with immediate states of consciousness, not speculatative possibilities. It involves diligent awareness of the activities of the body, (sensations and feelings); and the activities of the mind, (ideas, thoughts and conceptions). Without mindfulness, effort would be blind and without effort, mindfulness would be barren and unproductive. This is perhaps where I am strongest. I am very mindful…always have been…even to a fault. But when it comes to this, it works in my favour.

Right Concentration underpins Right Mindfulness. Without concentration, mindfulness is impossible. Concentration is a fundamental skill, in that it develops attentiveness. Our concentration is not connected to what is happening in our bodies and minds, but to how we might achieve what we want to achieve. Kind of like stepping outside of yourself and looking at yourself with a critical eye. The key to this is to keep our long-term goals ahead of our short term needs/desires. If we simply serve the interests of our desires, then we are no longer in control of our lives. Easier said than done...but Right Effort, Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration are the safeguards against such 'forgetfulness'.

Again, I want to stress that I am in no way pushing my beliefs on anyone else...I've got a long way to go before I can consider myself 'truly' on the right path...and this may not be it. I feel a little uncomfortable sharing this with some of you...but its what's on my mind. Personally, I was quite amazed at how a lot of this made sense, especially today...and how it seemed to be within reach of a emotional nomad such as myself. I could actually feel that big hole in my chest fill up…just a little bit today, as I nodded in approval at what I was reading.

Quoth the raven...

"Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears." - Edgar Allen Poe