29

meow

You are ready to risk it all and ask for what you want, even if your request is a bit weird. It's best to think twice before speaking, although you will probably go ahead with your initial plan anyway. Bold behavior will clearly make your statement, so be sure you are willing to deal with the consequences of your actions.


This is my horoscope for today. I don’t live or die by what the stars say…every newspaper/web site always has a different take on how my day should/will unfold...but this horoscope in particualar has been surprisingly relevant to my life the past year or so…and todays ‘reading’ is quite timely and…well…probably spot on. My Wednesday horoscope was similar as well...explaining that I was on the cusp of a 'great escape' and that the time was at hand to act...so it really does feel like 'someone' is trying to tell me something.

So…am I ready to ‘risk it all’ and ‘ask for what I want’?

Hahahahaha…what do you think?!?

I won’t/can’t go into detail, but as great as it would be to just go for it…I can’t. Circumstances and doubt are the two key factors standing in my way…among others…and while the doubt part is a little easier to overcome (its something I’ve recently made a pact with myself to work on…and so far, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction), the circumstances of the situation prevent me from opening this can of worms on the world. Its like I’ve been sitting quietly, alone, on top of a hill overlooking a great vista for quite a while…waiting...watching the sun rise and set day after day after day on this beautiful scene…hoping for a sign that would make it alright to get up and start a new journey…but there’s way too much as stake, and way too many variables that could cause it to blow up in my face. And to be honest, the view is still pretty sweet right where I am.

Plus...I'm pretty sure I know the answer already.

Yes…I could be ‘bold’…but I’m not bold. Never have been. And I’m not sure I’m willing or able to deal with the consequences either. In my mind, there’s just too much at stake. Then again, I could be completely wrong (which seems to be happening more often than not recently) and the fallout will be quick and painless…like a bullet to the head. No pain…just truth. But I’ve never been a fan of putting a gun to my head or anyone elses for that matter…and that’s what this would probably do…and seeing as how my life is as topsy turvey as its been in…well…forever…I probably wouldn’t even be in a possition to respond the right way if things fell my way. My life is just too fucked up right now...and I'm trying to be more rational about my desires...and this screams 'irrational'!

So…chalk this one up as another ‘shoulda, coulda, woulda’…another regret I can carry with me into my 30’s and beyond.

But I thank the stars for trying to push me…



Cowardly Lion: All right, I'll go in there for Dorothy. Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I'll tear them apart. I may not come out alive, but I'm going in there. There's only one thing I want you fellows to do.
Tin Woodsman, Scarecrow: What's that?
Cowardly Lion: Talk me out of it.

music as metaphor

Taken from a Leonard Bernstein lecture in 1973. Thanks to Gurney Journey for posting the clip.(a link to his blog can also be found in my 'other links' section...I just started reading his blog a couple of days ago and its incredible...check it out!)

sign of the apocalypse #175739395

{from IMDB.com}

"Jennifer Lopez and her husband Marc Anthony were paid a staggering $6 million for the first pictures of their newborn twins Max and Emme. People magazine dug deep for the rights to show the world the month-old tots - trumping the $1.5 million a rival paid pop star Christina Aguilera for the first snaps of her baby son Max. Tabloid editors claim stars are competing to win more and more money from magazines - and that if pregnant Angelina Jolie is carrying twins, as is rumored, she can expect a $10 million payday. One magazine boss tells the New York Post, "It's at the point now where some stars might decide to have more kids just to collect the money from their photos.""

WTF…I mean, this is just outrageous. Sure, I’ve made it pretty clear that I don’t have a soft spot for Ms. Lopez, but $6 million!?!?!? For pictures of her babies? What the hell is the world coming to? People need to stop buying into this celebrity bullshit. Marriage pictures…baby pictures….it’s a joke! She and her husband don’t need any more money...and knowing how J-Lo lives, these kids are going to be spoiled rotten...so I hope they earmark at least $5.5 million of that for charity! I don't have a problem with the kids getting a college fund out of this...but that's it!


DISGUSTING!!!

birthday brother

On a lighter note...a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my brother Paul, who turns 26 today. As the older sibling, I’ve always seen my brother as my ’little’ brother...and its taken me a while to stop seeing him as a kid. We share the same blood...so he’s prone to the same clouds and terrors that blow through my head more than I’d like...but unlike me, he makes friends WAY easier than I do, is much more outgoing, is in WAY better shape, is a fantastic soccer player, is ambitious and, well...he’s turning out to be a fine young man, with the kind of cocky swagger (not too cocky of course...I’d give him a good beat down if his head got too big) that is nice to see in a member of my family. To be honest...I think he’s that way becaue of me actually...seeing the shit I’ve put myself through has made him realize that my path wasn’t for him...and he was right. That was always a fear of mine...that he’d think I was cool...this brooding, moody, isolated, anti-social misfit...when really, I’m a big fucking disaster. I also think it helped that he never got into drugs...I think he experimented with pot once or twice (once with me...which to this day I’m not very proud of...) but he didn’t like what it did to his head. He had a lot of problems with ’mental’ stuff as a child, and I think drugs just reminded him of those days.

The two of us have had our ups and downs over the years...and for a while, we were polar opposites...but we’ve managed to find a fairly steady balance in the past couple of years that has helped make us better friends...and while we’re not tight-tight like a lot of siblings are...we see a lot of ourselves in each other...and so when shit hits the fan, its pretty amazing how much we can relate.

I still remember one conversation we had a few months ago...when I was at the bottom of a deep hole, broke, trying to figure out my next move. I saw him in his car, and flagged him down. He came up to my apartment to grab a movie...and ended up staying for about 2 hours...just the two of us ripping into life...our lives...what we were doing...and at one point, I just looked at him and said...’man...we really ARE brothers!’



Happy Birthday Bro!

leafs fall in spring

Well, another disappointing season came to a fitting and predictable end last night as the wicked tease that is the Toronto Maple Leafs…who had closed to within 4 points of Boston for the last playoff spot in the Eastern Conference after I had completely written them off over a month ago…lost 6-2 to those Bruins in the first of back-to-back games that, had we won them both, would have vaulted us into a tie with them. But no…once again, this team got hot too late…and when the improbable was close to possible…they choked on the pressure and lost a game they really, really needed.

Sure, Mats is out…so is my boy Nik Antropov…but still…to lose that badly to a so-so team like the Bruins just goes to show what kind of soul this team has. I’ll give the boys some credit for putting some wins together and making things ‘seem’ better than they actually are…but lets be honest…if the Leafs had played with the kind of fire they showed in the 10 games before last nights game all season…I’d be posting about how pumped I am to start watching playoff hockey. Instead…it’ll be another year that I won’t be watching. Shit…the last time I was really into the playoffs (I still watch the odd game…I mean, I am Canadian…its in my marrow) I was living in England, saying up until 4 in the morning to watch the Leafs and Flyers rumble back in ‘05.

Its been WAY too long.

As for all the talk about a new GM and all the things the team is going to do to ‘right the ship’, I’ll say this…if they hire Brian Burke, and I don’t care how good a GM he is, the guy is an asshole...if he’s the new GM…and Mats decides to hang ‘em up…I may just have to find another team to root for. Hey J…I hear Detroit isn’t selling out home games anymore…think they’ve got room for one more bandwagon jumper…cause there’s no way in hell I’ll ever root for the Senators…and if I started cheering for the Habs (who, I must admit, have been THE surprise team this season, and deserve to be first), I can think of 3 people who’d never, EVER let me hear the end of it. I used to like the Sharks…but that was more to do with Owen Nolan being my favourite player (after The Great One and Mats of course)…

I’ve been a fan of the Leafs pretty much my entire life. I got a signed Rick Vaive stick when I was like 6 or 7…and I was collecting hockey cards back in 85-86 (I’ve got a beat up Mario Lemieux rookie card (value $500-1000) as proof…bought it in a pack…with gum…)…so to say I’ve suffered with the best of them is fair. But after a while, after the hope of another season turns to ruin, you’ve got to ask yourself…how much longer can I tolerate this? How much longer can I watch teams like Carolina and Anaheim and New Jersey hoist the cup while our guys are out playing golf, or up at the cottage in Muskoka?

Meh…I don’t want to talk about this anymore…


'Oh man...you guys really do suck!'

turn

pass

it didn't just singe the hair it made it straight

Wheat field with cypresses

by Vincent van Gogh (1889)

what do you call it?

What do you call what I’m doing? Drifting? Floating? Skimming? Skipping? Skipping through life? No…that makes it sound like I’m having fun. Skidding? Screaming? Shuffling? Crawling through life on my hands and knees? Not quite. Vaporizing? Disintegrating? Rotting? Rotting the promise of youth on the vine? Warmer. Recklessly dreaming? Subliminal sabotage? Spirit suicide? Detaching? Stubbornly refusing to follow the rules? Unnecessary rebellion? Air guitar?

Whatever it is I’m doing…I’m done.

dig that

puzzled piece

Why do I keep lying to myself? I’m not who I think. I’m strong, but too weak for it to matter. I’m hardworking, but also lazy. I’m enlightened, but hopelessly lost. I’m kind and sweet and loving…but there’s never anybody around.

When I get something in my head or my heart…I’m off and running…full tilt. That is, until I realize that whatever it is keeps getting farther and farther away…and then I have to slow down…slow down…slow down…until I’m standing still again. Exhausted. Empty. Defeated.

Everyday is an adventure here in Neil’s nightmareland…where the sun shines, but there’s no warmth…where everything looks normal and alive and the wind still blows…but its all made out of plastic and has that smell of cleanliness...factory direct new car smell. Nature stripped bare…then dipped in latex. Numb to the touch. And so it goes…

So how do I change my fortune…and build myself back up in this crazy world? How do you reach down into the well one more time when it’s so dark?

Or am I the crazy one?

I pass a grizzly dude in a wheelchair on the sidewalk…or some cripple trying desperately to make it across the street before the light goes green…or some poor old man waiting for the bus in minus 10 degree weather while I’m cursing being stuck in traffic in my very own car…or some old girl talking to me on the elevator about how she saved $.70 on orange juice and how important that probably is to her…and I just want to punch myself really hard in the face. Like…really hard! Why can’t I make it work? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I get on track? Everyone else keeps trying…living for today with a mind on tomorrow…why is it so hard for me? I’ve been given tools…maybe not all of them…and maybe some completely useless ones, ones that might have been handy back in the 20’s or 30’s or something…but I just can’t seem to put it together and make me work.


If life is a puzzle…I’m the odd piece out…the one that got dropped in the wrong box. I don’t fit anywhere with anything. And my edges are getting worn out and frayed from trying.

catching time

I’m not putting a time limit on it…but I’m on the clock. I won’t let this destroy me. I’ve seen too much now. Learn from it I will. Think positive. I can dish it out…its time I took some of my own medicine. Take another look in the mirror.

But right now time feels like its standing still. Like I've walked back into one of my childhood homes. Its familiar...yet uncomfortable. The shadows are still fresh.

I really am floating without an anchor.

run for your life

I’m losing. I’m losing the game of life…and I’m losing little bits of myself all over the place. Perhaps these are the pieces that need to go? I’m getting old…and its time to lose the clutter of adolescence…

But now it feels like I’ve got nothing to hold on to. Nothing to tell me which way is up…which way I was pointed in the first place? That kid is dying…and so is the world his eyes saw. I look around now and all I see is empty…and I’m on my own. Growing up, left alone is all I ever wanted to be…I never knew why…but I always knew I would figure it out on my own. I had a vivid imagination, a good track record when it came to figuring things out, and I was quite comfortable on my own. I believed. I enjoyed my ‘crews’ over the years…and had a lot of fun with a lot of different friends (a lot fewer than you probably...but I've had some good ones...)…but I’ve always been a loner. I understood in my late teens that I would need help along the way…and accepted it (sometimes) when it was offered, and was always thankful for it…but because ‘something’ was calling me away…and I trusted something about myself…what that was I have no idea...my head, my heart, or some wild pipe dream…I just kept going.

But now everything is becoming a little less clear…where once barriers stood, now stand brick walls…and I don’t trust myself I like I used to. How can I? All these mistakes…all the failures…they all seem magnified...like everything else has peeled off to the side and become background noise…and all I can hear is the sound of my own voice…

“Now what are you going to do?”

And I don’t have an answer…and I can’t think of where to look for it either…

no mas

All weekend I’ve had that sinking feeling. It started on Friday during the day…and hasn’t left my chamber door, as it were, all weekend. All that optimism and enthusiasm…drained in a matter of weeks. I’m trying really hard to figure out if its me or the job…if there’s more I can do to ‘accept’ the added weight of responsibilities that are part of the job (and of any career really)…or if it really is just a bad fit? I’m a very flexible person…and I’m built to take quite a bit of punishment…I’ve had tough jobs before where I’ve stuck it out a lot longer than this and come to the conclusion that it just wasn’t for me…but my gut is telling me that this isn’t going to get easier any time soon. I told myself early, when things got off to a bit of a rocky start, that I would give the job a year…but I’m not even 2 full months in and I’m already seriously shuddering at the thought of trying to make it to 6. I really don’t think I’m going to make it.

When I was hired, I was asked how committed I was…and I genuinely believed that I would be with the company for a long time. It seemed like a great fit…good hours…out on my own and out of the office…a new challenge…a fair pay cheque…hell, I was even going to be working with a camera…outside…it just sounded like the change I needed…and I really, really wanted it. Bad.

But that was 7-8 weeks ago. Now…I feel worn out…more so than in the 2 + years I was at my previous job. Granted, it was a lot less pressure and paid accordingly…but there were aspects of the job that I actually enjoyed. Things that would put a smile on my face…daily. Sure the pay was garbage, and I wasn’t being ‘all that I could be’…but right now, there are just so many parts of the new job that I dislike that the money doesn’t seem to matter. And as far as reaching my potential in this job…well…I’m not so sure about that either.

It has given me a new perspective…opened my eyes to yet another profession I’m probably not built for…but that’s absolutely no consolation for what feels like another massive failure in a growing list of disappointments. I’m taking this one really hard. Tonight is going to be rough.

And the walls keep closing in…

in the pines

In the pines, in the pines
Where the sun don't ever shine
I would shiver the whole night through


I've had a really rough week at work...capped off by a craptastic 12 hour day today (essentially)…where I didn’t get home until 8:30…and had barely enough time to eat more than a sandwich, half a chocolate bar, a donut, a bottle of water and a juice box all day.

So my day was done, and I was off to the mall to renew my licence using one of those machines. After forking over another $80 I don't have, I decided if I was going to be broke, I might as well treat myself...so I picked up the Nirvana Unplugged DVD that came out a couple of months ago. I already have a copy on VHS, taped when it first aired in ’94…but the DVD has a few extra’s, and the enhanced sound and video…so I bought it.

So I’m sitting here, typing away, enjoying the show, and I'm feeling a little better. Seeing the show again after all this time (I still listen to the CD quite a bit...but haven't watched the ''tape'' in a few years) only serves to remind me why it is I'm sucn a huge fan of the band and of Kurt Cobain’s. There's just something about the guy. I’m not going to get into tonight...I'd like to...but...well...I really don't think I have the strength right now. Kurt is, and has been, a pretty big deal in my life...for a number of reasons...and that's about as well as I can put it. So if you were to say seeing this performance tonight has been good for my soul...that would be a bit of an understatement actually.

At this point, I'm just hoping my weekend, as weak as it is (I’m working tomorrow night…), will provide enough of a break so I’m able to face another week of my wonderful new job. Because right now...I feel Monday already...

that fine touch

Sorry about this being another post about my new job, but the damn thing has taken over my ‘entire’ life. From the moment I get up in the morning, until about 10:00 pm at night, I am ‘at work’…if not physically out on the road, or doing paperwork, I’m planning my next day, or simply trying to figure out how I’m going to make it through one more. Its quite a change.

Anyway, when I got the job, I was told that one of the requirements was a keen attention to detail…something that has never been a problem for me. I’m punctual, I have a pretty good memory (although I’m terrible with names…) and I’m organized…so I thought this would be one area where I wouldn’t have to worry.

Wrong.

For some reason, the sheer amount of details, and different kinds of details, and codes and forms upon forms…not to mention working with a device that requires a fair bit of ‘trial and error’…it’s been a lot for me to deal with, and to be perfectly honest, I’ve been struggling. Not mightily mind you…just leaving a clear trail of mistakes behind me…like a line of oil on the road from a leaky car. And there was another one today. It was my first time doing a certain kind of ‘task’ that requires a different ‘code’ to be entered into the paperwork. Well…I was told to use a particular code, but when I went to enter it, there was no option for that particular code on the form I was using.

Turns out…the code was for another form I was to use at the end of the day. And when I used that form, I put in the wrong code, instead of the one that I had been told to use. Confusing? Yes…which is why my head feels like its constantly spinning when I’m at work. If its not making deadlines and fitting multiple clients in over the course of a day…its confusing paperwork…and lots of it.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m still very grateful for the job, and still feel like I can excel at it…and with the company…but right now, I can't seem to shake that feeling of being overwhelmed. Its as if I’m in one of those funks that professional athletes seem to get into every once in a while. The sure handed Shortstop starts dropping balls hit right at him…or the hockey player who goes on a goal slump. It seems that no matter how hard I try, no matter how good a day I think I've had…something did go wrong…or will go wrong. I guess the only thing you can do is to keep ‘playing’ through it, and hope you find your swing…or you start catching everything that’s thrown your way like you used to.

walkie-talkie

I guess I have a loud voice. 90% of the time I’m able to keep it under control and talk like normal people talk…not too quiet…not too loud. 5% of the time, it really comes in handy. Being able to yell across a crowded room, or theatre (I should have been an actor) or across the street can be a useful trait.

“HEY MISTER! YOU DROPPED YOUR WALLET!!!! HEY MISTER…WAIT!!!”

But then there's the other 5%. There is nothing worse than one of those guys (or girls) who loves the sound of their voice so much that they just figure everyone else in the room wants to hear what they are saying. Those loud obnoxious gray haired men talking amongst their golfing buddies at the back table at the diner…carrying on like its 1:00 am at a sports bar…or the girl on the bus so deep into conversation on her cell phone she doesn’t realize everyone can hear what she’s talking about. But today I had a moment at the office where I was yapping away about a problem I was having with a client and got a ‘shhhhhhhhhhhhh’ and the old ‘keep it down’ hand gesture from my boss, the one where it looks like the other person is pressing down on an air cushion. No big deal really…but I was pretty embarrassed.

And that got me thinking…

Now I do enunciate my words and try to speak clearly when communicating…but I guess sometimes the volume level doesn’t quite register between the brain and the mouth. I think it might have something to do with my hearing. Both my mother and father can sometimes have trouble hearing…nothing serious, but it is noticeable…I also have a deaf uncle…as well as a Grandmother who is very, very hard of hearing…so its in my genes I guess.

Hopefully it was a one off thing…and its nothing a little Q-tip can’t fix. I mean, I was in a hurry…I had just wrapped up a rough day on the road, and I was using my outside/in the car on the phone voice instead of my inside the office in a giant room full of cubicles voice. I think it also might have something to do with the fact that I still don’t quite feel comfortable at the office yet, because I’m out on the road so much and am very rarely there…so it still feels foreign…like I don’t really work there…which makes me nervous…which causes me to talk loudly.

I guess it could be anything? I just REALLY hope I’m not one of ‘those guys’ and don’t know it?

Maybe I should just shut up now?



DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID???

sour home

I haven’t yet figured out if my apartment really feels like home or not. It’s been a year now…and some nights it feels like it…comfortable and secure…like its mine...but other nights, like tonight, it feels uncomfortable. Everything just feels uncomfortable and looks different. There's a cool weight in the air...an invisible fog. Its strange, I had a good day, but for whatever reason I’m feeling...I don’t know…shaky.

I sat down really wanting to write something, like I had something I wanted to say...but nothing seems to be coming. Its just one of those nights I guess.

blah

I wish I didn't care as much as I do. Sometimes it burns too hot. I just want to find that easiness that I knew when I was young. Then again, looking back, nothing was ever as easy as I'd like to remember it. You had fewer cares, fewer responsibilities, but that didn't make the ones you had seem any less important. 'My parents are going to KILL me!' you'd say, after getting a D in Grade 5 Geography. It felt like the end of the world. Or stumbling home drunk at 16 to find your father up watching TV. 'I'm busted for sure…' you'd think to yourself…images of the horrific brutality you thought you'd be subject to within seconds of encountering him dancing in your head as you turned the door knob. But you get through it…and stumble upstairs…you think you fooled him, but really, he remembers being 16 and sees a little more of himself in you that night…so he lets it slide.
But now…these days…there are just too many responsibilities…to much 'junk' to carry around…and it makes the joy really hard to find. I know I'm not looking in the right places…but to be fair, I have looked pretty much everywhere over the years. I've done my best to broaden my horizons, face my demons and admit my weaknesses in the hopes that I could overcome them, and to be the best person I can be. But it still isn't good enough. It just isn't.
I've become the person I am partially because of the experiences I've had…but sometimes its as if the whole world is yelling 'up' and I hear 'down'…or when I watch two magnets repelling each other with just enough force to keep them from touching…I can so relate to that! Things were going so well…and then…not so much.
I just wish I knew what to do next. Work is going to keep me very busy for the foreseeable future, yay for that (I guess)......but if I've learned anything in the past 6 weeks its that I need to find a way to get away from it when the day is done…a new hobby or some kind of outlet for my 'stuff'…


"Don't think of words when you stop but to see picture better." ~ Jack Kerouac

The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford

"Yeah...just ain't no peace with old Jesse around."


*****

After my first viewing, I was in a state of awe. After my second viewing, it felt like I had just woken up from some brilliant dream. By no means is this a perfect film…it is not without its flaws…but for sheer vision, scope, style, and for the ensemble performances, led by Brad Pitt and Casey Affleck…and for its lingering effect on me, I have no choice but to give it 5 stars.

Partially told using fine narration that wouldn't be out of place on a Ken Burns documentary, this is the story of the outlaw Jesse James and a young man who’s idolization of the James results in the two being forever entwined…in life…and in death. As someone who, over the course of my life, has looked up to a handful of famous men as role models, I know the pain in having the bubble burst. They’re only human beings after all. We all are. And none of us is perfect. We can’t be.

Many people won’t like this movie. Of the people I’ve talked to, maybe 2 in 10 enjoys it on anything close to par with me. It’s a filmmaking fans dream. And as a fan of the western, it is yet another example of this classic genre being reinvigorated with new life in the past 4-5 years. Once again, however, the role of women in the movie is that of wife, mother...and even then, they aren’t much more than extras. This is a film about a time and place…but its also a film about the dark heart of men…and those quiet voices that whisper our destiny into our ears…daring us to act.

A wonderful piece of film as art.

Michael Clayton

"I'm not the enemy."

"Then who are you?"



****

Very economical, stylized and well acted backroom legal film about the dirty work that gets done in the biggest law firms in the land. George Clooney is once again very good as a sort of ‘cleaner’ who goes in and handles his firms client ‘emergencies’…damage control if you will from behind the scenes. But when he is asked to ‘help’ with a particular case, Clayton is forced to take stock of what he is doing, and what he might become. However, it is the performance of Tilda Swinton, who deservingly picked up the Oscar for best supporting actress, that really gives the film its dark tinge. You can feel the anguish and torture this woman is going through throughout the film…and are right there with her at the end.

Perhaps a little over hyped…but not by much. If you liked Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck, or legal movies like Fracture, or watch Law & Order, and don’t mind a film that moves at a slower pace, then you’ll probably enjoy this film as well.

The Darjeeling Limited

“I guess I've still got a lot of healing to do.”




****


I really enjoyed this film. I’m a fan of the director, Wes Anderson, and his prior work, so I had a pretty good idea of what to expect. But in a surprising twist, this film was a lot more mature than his previous efforts. Not that his other efforts were entirely immature, but if you’ve seen Rushmore or The Life Aquatic then you know Anderson’s style is a little off beat, and a little ‘odd’…but Darjeeling’s oddness was rather muted in comparison. Just a really interesting story about 3 brothers who haven’t seen each other in a year, and all dealing with personal issues, who go on a spiritual journey through India on a train called The Darjeeling Limited. I thought the performances by the 3 main characters was very good, Owen Wilson in particular gave a very good performance, as he tends to do in his buddies films (Royal Tenenbaums). However, considering what happened to Wilson shortly after he finished working on this movie, the tone of his performance, and the movie in general is that much deeper…and gives the film a gravity that it still probably would have had regardless, but certainly doesn’t diminish either.


Very enjoyable movie…and I’m looking forward to a repeat viewing very soon…and to see what Anderson and Co. do next.

home safe

I made it. That, my friends…was tough. I'm still buzzing actually…the echo of an empty gas tank. There will be no 6 am bedtime tonight…but sitting here, after such a week…I really don't know what to think about it actually…
Part of me is proud…despite my faults and the mistakes I made over the course of the week…and there were a few…I can look back on it and know that I really did try my best. Sometimes it may not seem it to look at me…but when it comes to life, I really do give it all I've got. Some days…its not much. I'll be the first one to admit that I'm guilty of some laziness and hesitancy in my past…and my present…traits that somehow crept in over the years and sank their way into my skin…like tiny leeches. Subconscious even…you don't notice it happening…probably because your drunk and/or stoned most of your late adolecence and early adulthood…a gradual slide into the ooze. A general malaise. A pale life complexion. Like a pair of wet socks you can't take off. And its been smothering me for too long now…but right now, now now, all I want to do and all I'm trying to do is celebrate this little tiny moment and hope I keep making them.
I'm trying…
Modesty and respect forces me to bite my tongue when it comes to certain feelings…putting a ceiling on this, and other moments like it…but I can say with certainty that my faith in my fellow man still resembles a severely cracked windshield…and I'm still terribly isolated from the feelings of connectedness and community that seem to be everywhere around me in the people and faces I see in the crowd…I'm lucky to know the few souls that I feel like I do…each one possessing a special spark within that dazzles the eye. I don't have a lot of friends…at all…and while sometimes I get it and see why this is…other times…I really baffles me. I'm different…but am I really that different? Am I really standing here in the wrong room like an idiot…waiting for something or someone that's never going to come? Am I that guy…the lone wolf? And not in the cool, biker dude who competes on the arm wrestling circuit kind of lone wolf…or the guy who plays by his own rules, drives a sports car with only 1 other seat, and brakes for nobody kind of lone wolf…but in the shivering creature traveling across the plains, far from the pack kind of lone wolf. Its not as if I don't get along with people fine…I can be charming and polite…clear and articulate…a good guy...but something isn't connecting. Its something they see...but its also something I see…or, more accurately, its something that I don't see when I look at most people that stops me…thing is, I'm not entirely sure I'm right to be looking for it. Maybe I've set the bar way too high, and priced myself out of the market? Only man standing?
OK, now we're getting into a whole other cane of worms that, at 2:44 am, after a long 18 hour day, I really don't feel like opening.
Right now…in this moment…I can smile. I did good. Not great. But good.
And here I am…celebrating good.
Typical.


I'm going to bed.




photo from sustainabilitythoughts.org

A Bakers Dozen (Friends)

"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway." - Jerome Cummings

“What is a friend? I will tell you...it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself." - Frank Crane

"A good friend remembers what we were and sees what we can be." - Unknown

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." - Walter Winchell

"The only way to have a friend is to be one." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand." - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow ~ Don't walk behind me, I may not lead ~ Just walk beside me and be my friend." -unknown

“A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Hold a true friend with both your hands." -Nigerian Proverb

"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light." -Albert Schweitzer

"There comes that mysterious meeting in life when someone acknowledges who we are and what we can be, igniting the circuits of our highest potential." -Rusty Berkus

"A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails." - Unknown

"Friendship doubles your joys, and divides your sorrows." - Unknown

48 hours

Shit is about to hit the fan. Something isn't right. I thank you all for the support...not only the past few days, but this whole time...it means a great deal, and has helped keep me...tethered. Especially right now. I will get through this one way or another...

We all will.

jack said

Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind

Into The Wild

"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past."


****


Normally this is where I would give a review of the film, but last night was no ordinary night…and, it would seem, ‘Into The Wild’ is no ordinary movie…so this is no ordinary review.

Now I’ll preface this by saying that I got the book for Christmas and read it in about 3 days. I thought it was fantastic…but more than that, I really felt a connection to the main character, Christopher McCandless. I saw a lot of myself in him. A lot.

I’m what you might call a bit of an idealist. I have a real hard time with the way the world is…accepting the way money and power and material possessions have such an elevated importance in our world. It just bothers me. Or the fragility and mystery of happiness, life and love. Why must the most important aspects of humanity be so mysterous…so fleeting…so hard to hold? McCandless was an idealist in the purest, but also most reckless form. He was an intelligent, yet slightly naïve young man, who, for whatever reason, felt the need to be free from the life that he felt he was being groomed for by his parents and society…a life he felt he had little control over, and one he knew he didn’t fit into…so he just ran away from everything…his family…his life…and towards himself.

"If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed."

I can’t think of how many times I’ve dreamed of selling all my shit, packing up only the most personal and necessary items and disappearing. Hawaii…Fiji…Mexico…B.C….they’ve all been circled at one time or another…but sanity and fear put a stop to it before I ever really got going. It seems like I’ve been looking for ‘something’ forever…and while I have an idea what it is I need…its more a feeling than something I can identify physically…and its because I’ve carried this idea of ‘something’ with me for so long that I’m stubbornly unwilling to let it go…I fear that if I give up on it…there will be no return trip…and it, along with myself, will be truly lost forever. I think Chris felt this too. The fact that he actually went looking for his ‘something’ trumps whatever mistakes he made along the way in my opinion. As it turned out, the destination, while very important, was not as important as the journey itself…for it was the journey that gave him the perspective to allow him to find what it was he was looking for at the end of the road. He touched a lot of souls on his travels…including mine…which is probably why I broke down last night.

Its should come as no shock that I’ve been wrestling with some pretty serious shit the past few weeks. I mean...when am I not wrestling with something…right? But this is different. My new job has added a giant weight to my life…one I was expecting, but ultimately one I wasn’t ready for…and I’m really struggling to find my way. I’m trying desperately to get used to going to bed and waking up at completely different hours than I’ve been used to…which is compounding the problem(s)…I'm having trouble eating well...as well as the fact that I’m going through some personal stuff that I’m just not comfortable getting into right now. So to say I’m stressed would be a bit of an understatement. And its showing. But whatever it was that has been riding shotgun in my psyche the past 2-3 weeks finally reached over and grabbed the wheel last night…and proceeded to steer me right over a cliff.

I was a mess. (I really don’t know why I feel the need to share this…I actually was trying to keep this sort of thing from happening again…on here…and part of me wants to just depress the backspace button and hold it down till all this goes away…but I really have nowhere else to turn…so…)

I’m quite sure that the film (and my recollections of the book) had a lot to do with it…the key that finally unlocked that door if you will…but my God that door was bound to come crashing down at any time…its as if I could feel it coming unhinged over the past few days…ready to fall. But you know what? As terrible and as helpless as I felt last night…I feel like I got it out of my system (for the most part), got a good sleep, and rebounded with a pretty good day today. To look at me, you wouldn’t have guessed what I went through only 10-12 hours before.

I don’t know if it was just the timing of it…or what…but I have a feeling that something about this story really hit a spot in me that doesn’t often get touched…and brought out a part of me that I had been trying to bury and ignore…to put to one side to deal with ‘some other time’. Well…some other time turned out to be last night…

"What if I were smiling and running into your arms? Would you see then what I see now?"

As for the film, it was very good. It doesn’t quite capture everything the book did…but the film, and the performances of certain characters really added an element of humanity to the story that I wasn’t expecting. As for McCandless…many times throughout the book and the film, I just wanted to give the guy a good shake and tell him his head is the clouds, and he’s being reckless…that there’s another way…but then there’s that part of me that remembers how I felt during those lonely nights at University…or sitting alone in my bedroom in my parents basement…or sitting outside, late at night, staring up at the stars…and I don’t blame him one bit for doing what he did. Part of me wishes I had that kind of determination…that kind of desire…the resolve to see something…want something…or feel something…and to go after it with 100% of your being…and damn the consequences. Who knows…maybe I do, I just don’t know it yet? Maybe this is where all this is headed?

I think everyone should see this film. Many people will watch this film and think that McCandless was an idiot to do what he did. That’s fine. This movie isn’t for them. They can’t understand what it feels like to feel trapped by life…to be a prisoner of ones own frustration...with the world…or with themselves. Or maybe they do...but this movie does nothing for them? That's cool. But for those who feel a little more, and know that there’s more to this world than having the best job, and the biggest house, and the fastest car, and the cutest boyfriend/girlfriend…it will open something inside them. I’d be surprised if it doesn’t, because there is something very ‘human’ about this story…something you can’t put into words…even though I’m trying to…something that you just feel…not only for Chris McCandles…but for yourself as well.

"Happiness only real if shared."

the rain

I don't like today. I feel empty…weak…like I can’t catch my breath. I’m nervous…maybe even a little scared. Yes…I am scared. I’ve got a good idea what it is. Not one thing in particular…but the whole equation. Everything. It’s pressing down too hard right now. It’s always there…along with the questions. All those questions. Sometimes I’m able to cover it up and put it out of sight and out of mind…find the silence and float in it as long as I can.

But not today.

Today they circle me like a fleet of hungry vultures…sensing weakness...drunk off the stench. Why is it I don’t know what I’m looking for? Why can't I be sure? How come I can’t ever answer that question without having to stare out at a brick wall of doubt? Why is it so hard to find…so hard to touch? Its enough to make you want to detach…to just hide from it all…the joys and the pains…to try and forget that you don’t…you haven’t…you can’t.

And the worst part about it is that I can feel it…out there somewhere…that thing I’m looking for. That’s why I still wake up every day. One more day. It used to be because I had to. Now there’s something else driving me…something stronger. That’s why it gets to me…why it brings the rain inside.

I’m tired.



photo by: Rachel Wachs

you?

You know how sometimes you do things that you know you shouldn’t do…things that you know you’ve done before resulting in harsh consequence…a thing like staying up until 6 in the morning after working nearly 17 hours the previous day (shit…I don’t think I’ve EVER worked that long in a day…)…anyway…a thing that, the last time you did it, was probably a significant factor in you getting sick now that your able to use hindsight’s telescope on the proceedings? And you were just sick...again! But here you are...again...sitting at a computer screen, listening to music on headphones...

But it’s the first time you've felt calm in weeks…quiet on the inside…while alarmingly tired on the outside. You just want to stretch it out a little longer. You’ll be out in 10 minutes you keep telling yourself…you can feel it…but now…in this moment...the air is still.