the new girl

A new girl joined ‘the team’ at my old job…actually, I still work there…so, we’ll call it job # 1…anyway…this new girl, she got hired about 3-4 months ago, and for whatever reason, virtually the entire staff, save myself and the assistant manager, took a dislike to her. Not a hatred, but they were surprisingly quick to point out her faults and critique her effectiveness at the job, something that kind of surprised me. I thought she was actually quite natural and seemed to know what she was talking about. The fact that I found her attractive probably did paint her in softer tones in my eyes, but still…I thought she was getting a raw deal at the time. Time, however, has not been kind to her...and she has continued to struggle...but she has also had the misfortune of some pretty unkind luck (car accident...friend decides to sue her...) so, again, I still see the potential...but its hard to overlook the other 'stuff'.

Which brings me to today. Now…after yet another rough day (trust me, you don't want to know...), and having been at job # 2 now for over a month, I’m beginning to think that I’m ‘that girl’. After really putting my best foot forward to land the gig…my worst fears have been realized in the past 3 weeks or so. After a very productive training period, I was ready to be cast out on my own…out in the field…but complications and delays on my employers part slowed things down. More problems popped up. And soon, one thing after another was going wrong. Then I started making mistakes. Small ones, but ones I was confident I could avoid making…mistakes I don’t normally make.

I know a big reason for this is just being worn out. I don’t think I’ve felt this exhausted for so long since back when I was in school cramming for exams and writing 30 page papers back to back. Only this time, there is no finish line…only bi-weekly bail outs of survival moneys to get you through the next 2 week period. Sure…two to three times a year you get a week off (if you’re lucky) to recharge and recuperate…but then its right back on the wheel for another 1,000,000 revolutions. Look at me…5 weeks in and I’m a wreck…what’ll be left of me in 5 more?

But I’ve got to pull it together…I need this job…and I know I can do it…I’ve just had a bad string of luck, along with a couple of ‘iffy’ rationalizations on my part, but the worst is behind me…today, despite the early disaster it was…actually turned out…well…it was still another bad day in a line of bad days…but maybe, hopefully, I turned a corner today. In that time, I’m sure the job will get easier…things will start to come more naturally…and the stress and uneasiness of my first few months will be replaced by a comfortable detachment that will allow me to, as soon as my front door swings open at night, put the job to one side and relax.

Because right now…I just can’t for the life of me turn it off.

photo by: Lance W. Clayton

The Third Act

Is this the beginning of the end…or something else?

A burst of good fortune has seen me join the ranks of the 9 to 5 army…and if you can imagine what it might feel like to be an hourglass that is turned over as soon as the final grain hits the pile…then you might understand how I feel these days. Or…if you’re a ‘Simpson’s’ fan, think about the episode where Lisa gets a pony and Homer has to work at the Kwik-E-Mart. I don’t have a moment to spare…and any spare moments that should be, aren’t because I’m stressing about not knowing what I’m doing at work. Meals missed. Body confused about when its time to sleep…and after not feeling the cold grip of the flu for quite a while, I’ve been struck down twice in the past 2+ months. This last bout I’m just now getting over lasted 4 days, with your friendly neighborhood loather fighting valiantly for the first 2 days before falling victim to a lethal combination of fatigue, malnutrition and cold fucking weather. Lucky for me, I just don’t have time to be sick, nor can I afford it with a shiny new job…so a dedicated regime of soup and bread eating, water drinking, and layer wearing has gotten me back to a functional level. Though I doubt that’s the case for my writing…

Hopefully this little intermission has done me some good. Like any vacation, I’ve come back feeling worse than when I left…things really are crazier than ever…and I haven’t felt this alone in a long time…but I’m so focused on not letting this job win, that everything else just seems like ghosts on my shoulder. Its like I’m on rails right now…there is no other course, at least nothing that I can see…so I’ve just got to keep throwing more coal into the engine, smooth out the sharp turns, and keep this thing moving.


It really is just me now…but I can do this.